


Love Me Or Burn Me

by Lishah21



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Artist Clarke, Bottom Lexa, Depression, Domestic Fluff, F/F, First Love, Fluff and Smut, Happy Ending, Healing, Major Character Injury, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Lexa, Self-Harm, Sex, Shop Owner Lexa, Suicide Attempt, Top Clarke, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2018-11-04 02:44:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 74,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10981713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lishah21/pseuds/Lishah21
Summary: Indra Woods and Abigail Griffin have been best friends since they met in high school. They both have lovely daughters each and they have the best of careers. But the only problem is, they aren't getting younger. Enter their daughters, the stoic and disciplined Alexandria Woods, whose deepest darkest secrets keep her from falling in love. Clarke Abigail Griffin, an aloof and playful Artist, who can't take things seriously, whose life remains stagnant and drinks her sorrows away. So Abby and Indra decides to play cupid by giving them both an ultimatum, marry each other and get the funding they need for their respective careers, or, struggle for the rest of their lives. Sure, Clarke and Lexa would accept the terms, just not each other and would do everything in their power to burn each other to the ground until love gets in the way.





	1. Chapter 1

“Oh Indra. How I missed the good old days.”

 

“Come on now. I've always been with you since the day you ran into me with that dumb mirror of yours. Afterwards, we got our life in check, loved and loss our husbands and we still have our beautiful daughters with us. Yet, you still had my back and I had yours. How is Clarke anyway?”

 

Indra Woods, New York’s most successful lawyer and owner of her own law firm, sat in the restaurant sipping on her champagne with her best friend Abby Griffin. Abby was New York’s finest surgeon and both woman was definitely successful in their respective fields. They would meet every Sunday when the two of them were free from their jobs to have a day for themselves. They were there for each other when Indra's Husband committed suicide, having witnessed so much death while serving in the army, and Abby stood by her side, giving her the friend she needed. 5 years later, Indra was the one to help Abby pick up the pieces in her friend’s life when Jake Griffin, Abby's beloved husband and also her friend, was killed in a car accident. Indra had been there for Abby every day, including her daughter Clarke, who was distraught and hurt. She still is after 2 years since her father's death. Yet, through all the tough times, they still remained the best of friends, now reaching a point whereby they weren't getting any younger.

 

“Clarke has been coping. Ever since Jake passed… she never took anything seriously. She has been pestering me to lend her some money to start her own art gallery, but I don't see how she deserves any cash to go and do what she wants. Until she takes control of her own life, only then will I sponsor her with the cash needed instead of her going out to parties and such with Raven and Octavia.”

 

“Hey… at least your daughter does socialize with the world. Lexa hasn't left her shop since forever. She doesn't speak to me much, doesn't attend dinners or even go out with friends anymore. I have no idea what to do to get through to her. She has been wanting cash from me as well to help her open a bigger shop, but I refused, saying that if she doesn't open up to me, then I won't help her.” Indra sighed.

 

“I assumed she didn't take it well when you had that conversation with her?” Abby raises an eyebrow.

 

“She went off radar if that's what your asking. No calls or text. Whenever I stop by her shop, she's always gone. Go upstairs to her apartment, she never answers the door. I tried asking Anya for a key, but apparently, she confiscated it all and shut herself off from everyone. Lexa works alone now and she knows that I try to stop by after work and so she closes up to avoid me. Honestly Abby, I feel like I don't even know her anymore. Lexa has never been herself since that day. I just wish she could open up and talk to me. I am her mother after all.”

 

“Maybe she just needs time. Or maybe not. How long has it been since you know…”

 

“3 years from today. I know. I've been giving her space and all, but with the scare she gave me recently, I can't trust her to be on her own anymore. She made the doctors chase me away or anyone who wanted to visit her away. I mean I've tried asking either Raven or Anya to go over, but even she refused them.” Indra takes another sip from her glass of wine.

 

“Well, Clarke isn't exactly nice to Lexa since the day they stopped being friends in middle school. Can't say that what my daughter did was great, but I'm sure a lot of it is from what Lexa had been put through since then until now. Just never understood why Clarke would do such a thing.” Abby sighs, leaving both woman to think over life.

 

“I think I have an idea.” Indra states out of the blue.

 

“Uhhhh if it's us old farts going to a bar and getting drunk with hot naked young men, I'll pass. Trust me, the last time you came up with an idea like that, we were taking the walk of shame.”

 

“Oh come on Abby. You haven't even heard what I have to say. Jesus woman. Was it really that bad?” Indra feigns being hurt.

 

“Jesus okay. I'm just saying if were going that kind of way, might as well we sit in a retirement home and play cards than have fun with young unmarried men in a club.”

 

“We have needs my friend. Okay, anyways, my idea is simple. We get Clarke and Lexa to marry each other.”

 

Abby stares at her friend for a split second, before bursting into fits of laughter. Indra really felt like killing her best friend right now. It wasn't a bad idea really. She just needed to convince Abby to get on her flow.

 

“Your kidding me my dear. Clarke doesn't even take care of herself, getting wasted every night on my money because she has no job, and putting her artistic skills to waste and you want her to marry Lexa, who is the complete opposite? You have been drinking too much my dear darling of a friend. Last time I remembered, the two of them could burn each other alive in one go if we put them in the same room.” Abby laughs and snorts her drink out.

 

“Oh come on Abby. Think about it. I want Lexa to be happy again. To stop hiding in her shell and head out to the world and open herself up again. You, on the other hand, is tired of Clarke not doing something with her life and I'm sure you want what is best for her. So, we each give them an ultimatum, and if they don't comply, they suffer the consequences. Simple as that.”

 

“And what is your ultimatum for Lexa?”

 

Indra smirks arrogantly, knowing exactly how her plan would work.

 

“Lexa left my company for a reason, because it's not what she wants to do. So, I said I would help her start her own business, under my name, and so her shop is currently under my name, and I can choose to take it away at any time. She would lose it all, and force her to come back and work with me, which will definitely push her further away, and no doubt she will do everything to ensure she gets to keep her shop.”

 

“You're really serious on this, aren't you?” Abby dead pans Indra.

 

“Yup.”

 

“Well, you have a point that we aren't getting any younger, and definitely am sick and tired of Clarke's bullshit. Sure. I'm in. We get them to listen to us, and make them marry each other a year from now. And have grandkids after.” Abby smiles devilishly.

 

“You know I love you. But, we have to be firm with them. And trust me, they are a perfect fit for each other. Just that they have to come to terms with them being with each other. And both of them are stubborn as a mule. So, I’m sure they can work it out together. There was always a pull between them Abby. You and I saw it, Jake and Gustus saw it. They just kept beating around the bush. Lexa isn't the same as she was Abby. And I'm worried for her. She never smiles anymore, she never talks like she used to. And here she is suffering all alone. And I still do believe that our daughters still love each other. Just that life got in the way.”

 

“I know. It hurts to see them both like this. I still remembered that day they sat at that big oak tree when all of us were out on a picnic when Lexa was 12 and Clarke was 10. They kissed and said that one day they would marry each other. God, they were so cute. And they came back to us saying that they were married and wanted to be married forever.”

 

“Oh yes. I remember. Hahaha the good old days.” Indra smiles at the memory.

 

“Well, I think I would go with your plan Indra. It's about time we set things straight with them both.”

 

“I agree.”

 

“Well then, it's time to pay our daughters a visit.” Abby smirks.

 

“Nostrovia!”

 

“Nostrovia!”

* * *

 

 The darkness of the room was something that Clarke found comforting. Not because she enjoyed being in the dark, but it let her sleep through her pounding hangover. That was basically her lifestyle. Sleep through the day, leave at sunset and party the night away. She had multiple flings and she would practically choose one to her liking for that night before coming home in the wee hours of the morning drunk. She wasn't surprised that her roommates didn't bother her. She had been that way and they just left her be. Rolling over onto her side, she looks at her phone and sees a single message but her one and only mother. She cursed under her breath, not wanting to see her mother for reasons only she knew herself. She didn't even have the face to even meet up with her mother. Clarke huffed out loudly, knowing that it was futile not to see her, and so, she dragged herself out of bed, grabbing her jeans and t-shirt that she realized haven't been washed in a week or two, and slips in on, not caring about the alcohol smell of yesterday.

 

“Clarke! Get your ass up. I made breakfast and you better come out of that room because Mama G is sitting in the living room.” Raven hollers from behind her room door.

 

Clarke stops dead in her tracks. No way was her mother here. She texted 45 minutes asking her to meet at the café downtown. Fuck.

 

“Be right there.” Clarke groans, as she straightens up her hair.

 

“You better. I ain't busting your fucking door again because it costs money.”

 

Clarke remembered exactly what happened the last time, knowing that she got so wasted, she locked herself in the room, never came out for two days and Raven, her best friend since college had to break down the door, scared to a point that Clarke had killed herself when she only refused to get out of bed. Octavia, her other best friend, was a little softer, and she usually spent most of her time at her girlfriend’s place. Not that she even bothered anyway. But today, she felt like it was judgement day. She knew if her mother was meeting her in their shared apartment, she was getting the shits of it. Unlocking the door, Clarke trudges out into the living room, and was immediately met with her mother's stone cold eyes. Shit. Her mother would only give her those eyes if she meant business.

 

“Mom.” Clarke said simply.

 

“Clarke. Haven't changed a bit I see?” Her mother folds her arms, Raven walking out with a cup of coffee.

 

“Here you go Mama G. Anything else you need?” Raven smiles, and Abby turns to her with a soft smile.

 

“That will be all Raven. Just give me and Clarke some privacy for a while would be great.” Raven smiles back.

 

“Sure thing Mama G. See ya later Clarke.”

 

Raven makes her escape out of the apartment, sparing Clarke a smirk before closing the door behind her. Clarke knew it was going to be a conversation for later no doubt. Sitting down on the couch opposite her mother, Clarke looks everywhere around the room but her mother's eyes that hasn't left her.

 

“What are you doing here mom? You never come to the apartment. Not ever.” Clarke begins, seeing that the tension in the room was growing.

 

“Pretty much here for business. I'm sure you have been having quite the fun for a really long time Clarke. But I am getting pretty sick and tired of your attitude. For years, I've tried to get you to do something with your life, but it always turns around to come and bite me right back in the ass. So, I'm going to give you a proposition right now. Firstly, I know you have been living with my cash that I deposit to you every month, and I think it's time I'm going to withdraw that. Seeing that the money I have been working so hard go to waste on your drunken nights out, you don't deserve any of my hard-earned money anymore. And the cash that your father left for you to start your own gallery will be held by me until further notice.”

 

“THAT’S BULLSHIT! YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?”

 

Clarke screamed in outrage. This wasn't how she expected her conversation to go with her mother. Sure, she felt a tad bit of guilt with her living off her mother’s money, but not allowing her the cash to do her dream was outrageous.

 

“Watch your mouth young lady.” Abby scolds, her anger raging over.

 

“Dad left that money for me. In which I have every right to withdraw when I turn 25.” Clarke hollers again, standing up in the process, ready to revolt against her mother.

 

“SIT DOWN!” Abby yells, making Clarke snap her mouth shut and sit down immediately.

 

“I am tired of your bullshit. So, your father left it in my name as the first person to receive it. Now, as my proposition to you, and I suggest you listen carefully, I will continue funding you and when you do turn 25, I will give you the money that you will get if you marry the one and only Alexandria Woods a year from now.” Abby was deadly serious in her tone.

 

“Lexa?” Clarke whispers.

 

Clarke’s mind was racing. Her thoughts immediately drifted back to her childhood crush, her first love that she had kept her feelings about her for a long time locked away. She hadn’t seen Lexa in a long time, ever since they left for college, and Raven’s girlfriend, Anya Malyarova, a blonde Russian whose looks were to die for, was best friends with Lexa. She remembered the certain occasions when Anya would mention Lexa’s name to Raven when she was over at the apartment, stating that Lexa had shut off from the world, and Clarke never took interest in it for it wasn’t her place to butt into the conversation. Memories of the shy girl flooded her mind, and she wondered why her mother had made such a strange request.

 

“Yes. Lexa is currently in the same predicament as you, only thing is, she is far more responsible than you. In fact, she has been doing well with her life, and of course you remember Indra. She had come to an agreement with me that both of you will get what you want if you both marry each other. Take it as an arranged marriage of convenience. You get your money for your gallery, she gets what she wants from her deal with her own mother.” Abby said simply.

 

“Out of all people, you had to pick her?”

 

“As far as I’m concerned Clarke, you are not making the decisions around here anymore. From tomorrow onwards, you will be living with her and you will be working for her. You will get your money, but half of what I have been giving you. The rest would be when you work for her and you will be paying most of the stuff on your own from now on. You run out of cash, too bad.”

 

Abby stands up, finishing her cup of coffee and making her way towards the front door, leaving Clarke speechless. She didn’t know what to think of the whole situation at all.

 

“Oh and Clarke, I suggest you start packing what you need to bring over. I’ll be here at 8 am sharp tomorrow to pick you up. And if you’re late, I can assure you I will cut you off completely.”

 

With that, Abby left the apartment, leaving Clarke speechless again.

* * *

 

 Indra walks across the busy street of New York, having taken the day off in order to get into her daughter’s shop without missing her, and she knew Lexa would revolt against her every step of the way through her conversation that she had replayed over and over again in her mind. Abby had already texted her that she had gotten through with Clarke, making Indra sigh happily that one party had been pushed to the plan, leaving one more which was going to be even harder. She was literally going to blackmail her daughter for doing this, but if Clarke could be the one to get through to her daughter to open herself back up to the world, then she was going to risk it all to get her daughter back to the land of the living if it means having to lose her completely eventually. Well, she already feels like she has lost her daughter. But it was worth a shot.

 

Standing outside the cupcake shop, Indra takes a deep breath and enters, the smell of the delicious desserts filled her nose. Lexa was nowhere in sight as usual, but she knew her daughter was open and she was in the kitchen baking perhaps. Tapping on the bell at the front of the cash register, Indra smiled at the sound of her daughter’s voice coming through.

 

“I’ll be right there.” Her voice seemed chirpy, and Indra hoped at least her mood was somewhat good, and not just a façade to keep up for customers.

 

Waiting patiently, the doors to the kitchen swings open, and abruptly stops, her daughter’s face turning stoic, her green eyes betraying no emotions as she saw her mother standing right before her.

 

“Nice to finally see you Lexa.” Indra states, making Lexa step out and over to the cash register.

 

“You never leave the office this early. Neither do you take an off day. So, what exactly are you here for?” Lexa asked straight to the point, her tone as cold as ice.

 

“I’m not the enemy here Lexa. I came here because I care about you. Don’t push me away like you do with everyone else. I know what you’re going through and I need you to stop hiding from everything. You think I don’t know what you are doing?” Indra pushes, knowing she had hit a sore spot.

 

“Get out.” Lexa seethes.

 

“No. I am your mother and I say when I will leave. You leave me no choice Lexa. I came here to offer you a proposition, In which you would have no choice but to take. Seeing that this shop is under my name, I can choose to take it away at any given time that I desire.” Lexa’s eyes go wide in horror.

 

“Now that I have your attention, this is what I’m offering you. Marry Abby’s daughter a year from now, Clarke Griffin, and I will give you the money to start up your own cupcake business on a larger scale, with a bigger space and you can work on your own with the crew you need and the line of cupcakes you wish to do that you always dreamed about. I won’t disturb you ever again, and you can do whatever you want. But only if you marry her.”

 

“And if I refuse?” Lexa’s eyes were burning with fury and anger, knowing her mother was playing a very dangerous game with her.

 

“Then I will see to it this shop is taken away, and I will drag you back to the firm and you will work as a lawyer like you were supposed to. I gave you every leeway to live your dreams, but if you can’t even life for yourself, then I have no choice but to step in. You can hate me all you want. And continue doing so until the day you learn to live again, you are under my care and my money and my property. So I would suggest you take the first option. Also, Abby will be bringing Clarke over tomorrow at 10 am sharp. So I suggest you close the shop and help your future wife settle in. I hate to be the bad guy here Lexa. So, I suggest you get things ready for her tomorrow. Don’t disappoint me.”

 

Before Indra could leave, Lexa slams her hand down on the counter. “Is this some sick joke that you and Abby Griffin are playing? Why can’t you people just leave me alone? Why is that so hard to do? Did Clarke put the two of you up to this?” Lexa hollers, making Indra glare from her position.

 

“I would watch your tongue if I were you Lexa. You are treading on very dangerous waters right now. And the answer to your question, Clarke hates it as much as you do. But don’t fret, she would be getting along just fine with you. Take it as a marriage of convenience. You get what you want, she gets what she wants, both of you get to live your dreams. Simple as that. And you better open the door tomorrow Lexa. Because if you don’t, I will be sure to destroy this shop.” Indra states simply and leaves.

 

Standing outside, not glancing behind her shoulders to look at her daughter, Indra sighs as a tear falls from her eye. Her baby girl, was gone. No emotions, no feelings, nothing but an empty vessel with a whole lot of rage that came out of her. She didn’t mean to be harsh, but she knew it was the only way to get her daughter to listen. She wanted to be soft and caring for Lexa, but she couldn’t do it just yet. Not until her daughter opens back up again to the world, only then could she get back to her lovingly. She hoped Lexa could see the goodness in her actions, and hopefully not burn herself to the ground in the process than she already has.

 

And she truly hoped that Clarke could be her salvation to let her daughter feel love again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts and meetings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: DESCRIPTION OF SELF HARM

The apartment was quiet, the snow blanketing all of New York, and the fireplace beamed to life. The bottle of whiskey and vodka sat side by side on the coffee table, a small glass placed at the edge and a knife beside. Lexa stared at the crackling fire before her, her eyes never leaving it. Her body had switched off, her head had slowed down, the alcohol Swimming around as she stared on. Her thoughts however were running wild ever since her conversation with her mother. She wished she hadn't opened the shop that day. She never understood why everyone wanted to help her. She knew her mother wanted her to open up, to talk to her about her troubles. But she couldn't. She had grown accustomed to the silence, the loneliness of her heart, that she withdrew into it as her safe haven. She felt safe being alone. No one to bother her or hurt her. She felt safe shutting the rest of the world off. It was just easier to deal with the pain. Her eyes fluttered over to the knife on the table, and she felt the comfortable feeling of its presence come back to her. Pulling her sleeve down, she stares at the scars on her wrist, counting each one of them. 7 in total for every night she cut herself. And she would cut only 7 and no more beyond that number each night. That's the number she felt she needed to remember. She started off, slicing into her skin, watching the unhealed wound from yesterday reopen, drawing blood as she heard the ambience of screams fill her ears and her head.

 

It was the sounds that she grew accustomed too after being in the mood. Cut after cut she did, and eventually she reached her goal, the knife tainted in her own blood and she took the glass of whiskey, downing its contents. She leaned her head backwards onto the couch, closing her eyes and sighing. She didn't feel the throb of her wrists, she felt numb. If anyone saw her like this now, they thought she was crazy. She remembered the last time she was admitted to the hospital, having taken the prescribed pills with the alcohol, causing her body to shut down, her best friend Anya who still had her apartment key to come in and find her sprawled on the ground. She remembered begging not to tell the rest of the world, her mother, and when Abby Griffin walked in, she told her not to say a word about what she saw. If she saw anything. She didn't need the pity from anyone. As her thoughts continued to run, her head eventually brought in the images of Clarke Griffin. The girl whom she grew up with and eventually drifted apart. She remembered how it felt to be in love with her, despite all the things that happened. Clarke was her first crush and love.

 

She sighed again and opened her eyes, wondering how her childhood crush would react to this situation and predicament they were in. She wondered why her mother and Abby had set them up into this mess. They hated each other. They could even burn each other to the ground if they had the power to do so with their eyes. But then again, they would have just left each other be. Well, maybe she would. Not Clarke. Clarke was a pain to her existence, and she hated her. It was an on-going battle with her, all through middle school and high school, and she was free eventually when she took of to college. She was free of the girl. Never saw her afterwards until her Mother called her on the phone, stating that Jake Griffin had passed away, and she got on the next flight out to New York. At the time, she was studying at Harvard Law School in Boston, and because she cared for Abby as a second mother, she came back. She remembered walking into Clarke’s home, people dressed in black standing around, her mother holding Abby in her arms in the corner of a room, and Lexa wandered around, eventually finding Clarke sitting on the swing in the backyard they used to play in.

She remembered walking out, and pushing all her feelings aside, for everything that was done to her, and she walked up to Clarke, standing there in the silent bubble around them, staring at the lake nearby.

 

_“I’m sorry about Jake. I wish it didn’t happen but I am sorry for your loss Clarke. He was a great man.” Lexa said softly._

_“He was. And I am sorry too.” Clarke sniffled._

_Lexa stood there, trying to find the right words to say to her, knowing that she had been in the same position years before when her own father passed on. Clarke never moved her head or her eyes, continuously staring ahead, letting the silent tears fall down her cheeks. Lexa didn’t know if she should touch her, but her heart got the best of her and she placed a hand on her shoulders, give it a slight squeeze._

_“You’re not alone Clarke. If you ever need to talk, I would be willing to listen.” Lexa states, despite their history, wanting to give Clarke the option to have a friend she could talk to._

_“Just leave me alone Lexa. I don’t need anyone or any help. Just go and never come back. I don’t need your sympathy. And I don’t need your pity. Especially from you. Just get out of my face.” Clarke cries, and Lexa holds her anger in, never uttering a single word before she left._

_She never saw Clarke after that again._

Lexa pulls herself out of her thoughts again, the fire before her again drawing her attention and she took the bottle of vodka instead, taking a swig and downing it. She wondered what Clarke would be like now. Sure, she had heard about Clarke on rare occasions when she used to go out with Raven and Anya, but that all stopped when she drifted away. Lexa told herself that she wanted to keep her shop, and she would push everything aside once they were married, giving Clarke her freedom to do as she pleases, and she could be on her own again. She reminded herself again and again, that this was just a job, and no feelings would ever be involved. A year was all it took, and tomorrow, she would begin her torturous life with Clarke.

 

“I wish you were her Costia. You would know what to do.” Lexa whispered letting a tear roll down.

 

With that, she let herself slip away into the darkness.

* * *

 

 “Woah… slow down bitch. Your telling me your moving in with thee Lexa Woods? As in Lexa from High School?” Raven gapes at her friend. Raven had been the closest to Lexa, seeing that great minds think alike and Lexa had been the one to introduce Raven to her current girlfriend Anya when they went to college.

 

“Well, she is the only Lexa Woods in the world. My best friend who hasn’t sent me a text in fucking forever.” Anya groans on the couch.

 

“Hey! She's my best friend too ya know!” Raven glared at Anya.

 

“This is ridiculous. My mom is fucking crazy. Like she just dropped everything on me, and because I have no fucking job, I can’t afford to live on my own and not pay rent with you guys. Well my mom pays for my share of rent here. Fuck! The last time I saw Lexa was at my dad’s funeral, and I fucking chased her away okay? I can’t marry her. She’s… fuck I don’t know.” Clarke paces back and forth in the living room. Her friends knew not to press any further on her father whom she had missed dearly.

 

“Well for One Clarke, you are getting a job with Lexa. Secondly, why don’t you apologize to her first thing when your crazy mother and future mother in law leaves, and make peace with her eh?” Luna smiles from the love seat, Octavia was sitting on top of her lap.

 

Clarke sighs and stops her pacing. She doesn’t really know what to do or say when she moves in with Lexa tomorrow morning. Sure, she was pissed her mother was being overly ridiculous, but she wasn’t about to cross the line with her mother when it came down to business with her. She wasn’t worried about her marriage to her childhood crush. But what she was worried about was how Lexa would react to all this. She already was treading on thin lines with her mother, she didn’t need an enemy out of Lexa. She wouldn’t be surprised either if she was thrown with hostility by the woman. She didn’t know what Lexa looked like now. Lexa was the shy loner in school, who had no friends, who was always picked on by everyone, not because she was a bitch or because her attitude. She was picked on because of the thick glasses she wore, the sweaters that clung to the thin frame of her body, the ripped skinny jeans, and sneakers that made her look nerdy yet beautiful at the same time. People picked on her because of her being the shy social outcast who couldn’t form coherent words around people, and because she was a teacher’s pet, everyone hated her.

 

“I destroyed her. Fuck, I was the one, with all the dickheads of the school then, picking on her, bullying her, and I treated her like shit. She was my childhood friend, crush, first love and I blew it all out the door when I was too much of a chicken shit to stick by her and protect her. What would she think of me? Okay fine, don’t answer that. But still, I was a dick to her when she came over to me at my dad’s funeral, offering to be a listening ear and a friend, and I told her to literally fuck off and never come back. In which, I haven’t seen her ever since then.” Clarke sighs, plopping her ass down on the couch.

 

“It’s been what… four- five years now Clarke? It’s a long time ago. I’m sure she’s moved on past that Clarke. She may be a fucking genius despite having started school late and joining us young kids, she’s not even the nerdy girl she used to be Clarkey.” Raven muses, making Anya chuckle.

 

“She’s a hottie now Clarke. I’m deadly serious. My best friend is literally the talk of the town. And she would be rolling in dates if she just got out of her little shop of horrors.” Anya jokes, making Clarke groan even more.

 

“Jeez… thanks for the support assholes.” Clarke could only roll her eyes.

 

“Okay jokes aside Clarke. Look, just try to be there for her yeah? She’s been through things that some of us can’t even imagine, and she just needs a little push and support. Just be there for her in every way you can.” Anya mentions again, her tone deadly serious, and that had Clarke paying attention at a hundred percent.

 

“What you mean been through things? What happened to her?”

 

Her friends immediately kept quiet, not wanting to breach the subject at hand that they had spilled out. Apparently, they knew something that Clarke didn’t, seeing that she was always hung over and enjoying nights out in her drunken stupor, Clarke really never paid attention to her friend’s conversations.

 

“Look Clarke… it’s not our place to tell. Maybe she might tell you, if ever, and we only know the basics of the story. She was in a really bad accident over a year ago. We don’t know what actually happened, but I’m guessing Mama G, and Mama Woods know more about it than the rest of us.” Luna answers on behalf of the group.

 

“Jesus. Was it really that bad?”

 

“Like we said Clarke, we only know the basics. Maybe if you could talk to her and be a friend to her again, she might open up and tell you what happen. And maybe then we can understand why she shut herself off from the rest of us.” Anya finishes, and Clarke nods her head in approval.

 

“You know, I still can’t believe you actually loved Lexa. Like fuck, how could we have not known?” Raven jokes, making Anya smirk at Clarke.

 

“Well, it's not like were fucking dating or anything. And what we had died a long time ago. People move on. I bet she has a girlfriend right now and is being forced to marry so she can keep whatever it is her Mom decides to let her keep. We can positively conclude that we hate each other and could literally kill ourselves at the sight of seeing each other.” Clarke rambles.

 

“What if I told you she's single and ready to mingle?” Luna wiggles her eyebrows at her, making the whole lot snicker in delight.

 

“You know what? Forget it. I'm going to finish packing and be done with it.” Clarke berates before standing up to leave.

 

“Sure Clarkey. Don't forget to pack your toys with you. I heard that Lexa is a top judging by her looks.” Raven hollers, and the laughter that spills into the living was all that she needed right now.

 

“God save my soul.”

* * *

 

 “So, Clarke, how long has it been since you last saw my daughter?” Indra sat in the front, Abby being the one to drive them over to Lexa’s place, seeing that all four of them needed to have a long discussion on a contract Indra had written out for them.

 

Indra and Abby would only use it to scare their daughters into believing that they would actually take away most of their rights in which they weren’t that evil to do so. Indra was hoping that Lexa hadn’t revolted, and closed up the shop and fled the country. Well, that would be her daughters last resort if it came to that. But she highly doubted Lexa would do such a thing. She may have her limits, but she enjoyed the comfort of her own home rather than go anywhere else to start over.

 

“Since dad died…” Clarke’s voice trailed off, and Abby turned her eyes briefly towards the rear-view mirror, watching her daughter stare out the window.

 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

 

Clarke sighs before replying, cutting Indra off. “It’s okay. It’s nothing to worry about.” Clarke was definitely not interested in the conversation at hand.

 

Clarke was far more worried and nervous about the fact that she would be meeting Lexa so soon. Her thoughts were going around, wondering how Lexa would be, how she would react, would she hate me still? Would she still even remember her? Duh of course she would idiot. You told her to go away, and pretty much pissed her off from then on. Well, she did see Lexa again a couple months later when her mom had needed a partner to go with her to Indra’s function that she had at work. She remembered seeing Lexa, standing alone on a balcony, overlooking the city. Clarke perhaps thought that maybe she could go over and apologize, only to have a tall male walk up to her, immediately wrapping his arms around her waist, and she leaned onto his shoulders. Clarke knew she wasn’t supposed to feel jealous. And she knew again she fucked up there and then when she had the chance to apologize.

 

She knew her heart was messing with her, and her love for Lexa never actually died. She did think about her from time to time, wondering how her crush was doing. Perhaps married with kids? A loving husband who could take care of her and love her perhaps? She always thought as such until her mother showed up the day before and went hell on high-water with her. That’s when she knew Lexa was single, and no doubt what her friends had told her last night had spiked her curiosity about the lonely brunette. She felt sad in a way that Lexa had been in a car accident, and she wondered what drove the shy girl to keep away from everyone because of it. So many questions ran through her mind, yet she didn’t know if it was in her place to ask. Before she could let her mind wonder more, the car pulled to a stop outside a cupcake shop she had seen many times before. She knows now that the cupcakes brought over by Anya when she came to her previous apartment had been from here. Lexa’s place. How the desserts had tasted so good, done with pride and passion, along with love, and now she knew who was really behind them.

 

It had been Lexa all this time.

 

“Were here. A fair warning to you Clarke, Lexa can be very abrasive. So just let us handle it okay?” Indra speaks up.

 

“Sure.”

 

Making their way out of the car, they entered the cozy shop, the smell of pastries filling her nose as they ventured towards the back of the kitchen and towards the stairs. Lexa had left the front door unlocked, knowing that they would be coming over. She took in her new work place, seeing it as a simple yet delicate display at the front, and simple in the kitchen, before reaching a door at the back, which Abby opened with ease.

 

“Lexa?” Indra shouted from the bottom of the stairs as they made their way up into the living space before them.

 

Clarke took in the size of the apartment, clearly spacious but definitely not used often since everything doesn’t seemed to be used or out of place. That was her guess. It was simple yet dull, most of the curtains closed, and only the main one opened to provide a bit of light in. It smelled of roses in there, clearly by the candles that were placed around the area, and Clarke deduced that Lexa was a fan of candles. Abby gave Clarke a brief smile before the three of them made their way to the couches and Indra left in search of her daughter. The fireplace was roaring, seeing that it was winter outside, and it was a comfy toasty feeling that made Clarke feel safe somehow. She knew why Lexa would enjoy being alone up here. It was warm and quiet. But one thing that Clarke noticed was the fact that the apartment held no pictures whatsoever. It was as if having them was a sin. She knew Indra and her mom had pictures every around their home, but Lexa didn’t have a single spec of it in sight.

 

Just then, shouts came from down the hallway towards the bedroom, and Abby sighed as she turned in the direction of the noise. Clarke whipped her head over in the direction as well, and after the slamming of the door, Indra emerges out, and that’s when Clarke stopped breathing completely.

 

Alexandria Woods, also known as Lexa, the shy nerdy girl she saw and grew up with her entire life, was beautiful beyond all means and walks of life. Her brown hair was cascading down the side of her shoulders, her eye liner making her green orbs stand out considerably, her jawline was definitely built by the gods themselves. And her body, gone was the frail girl and out new was a masculine figure, muscles that could be seen flexing under all that cloth, and her legs… fuck her legs were meant to be worshipped. Clarke couldn’t take her eyes off of her and she had to pinch herself to snap out of it.

 

“Lexa please… the harder you fight this, the worse I will make it for you.” Indra warns her daughter in a serious tone, making Abby look at Clarke.

 

“Sure. Whatever.” Lexa’s voice was beautiful, but her tone was icy cold, and Clarke understood why Indra had mentioned that she could be abrasive. Well, she really is.

 

“As you both know, and since we are all here, I guess the both of you have come to an understanding that the terms we have set for the both of you will take effect from now onwards. Which means, you two will be getting married next year on the 21st of November. Which means you two have over a year from now to accept that there is no changing of your situation at hand. Clarke, you have agreed to work for Lexa since you will be living here under her, and you will listen to her when it’s during work time. After that, you are free to do whatever you wish. However, as your mother, and now that you have a fiancé, you for one, are not allowed to sleep with anyone else, two, you will no longer leave to go out to parties on your own without Lexa. If she doesn’t want to go, then you jolly well better sit your ass at home. This is her place for now until both of you can come to terms with chores that you both want to segregate among yourselves.” Abby states firmly, making Clarke roll her eyes.

 

Lexa sat there quietly, her eyes burning into her mother’s head, and Abby imagined Indra on fire in her own daughter’s head.

 

“As for you Lexa, I believe your mother has explained to you her side of the deal, and I hope you can come to accept it. Which now I will leave Indra to settle the paperwork with you.” Abby looks to Indra who pulls out a small stack of papers.

 

“This is a contract written by Abby and I, and the terms of your agreement is written inside. Meaning to say, that this apartment is under my name, and I have every right to withdraw the shop and the apartment if the two of you fail to live up to the rules of the contract. To put it simply, what’s yours is hers and what’s hers is yours. And to ensure that both of you don’t break your contract and make me do the unthinkable, we will be having bonding nights every weekend to ensure the both of you live up to expectations. Failure to comply, from either of you, then I will see to it that both of you lose your end of the bargain with us.” Indra explains, only for Lexa to grip the end of her seat tightly until her knuckles turn white.

 

“You didn’t give me no bargain mother. You stripped me of my rights if that’s how you’re putting it. Being your little pawn to your game.” Lexa seethes, making Clarke gulp down at the brunette’s daring tone.

 

“Don’t push your luck Lexa. I mean it. I gave you an easy way out. Don’t make me drag you back to the firm and you can live your life as my second if that’s how you want to do it.” Lexa scoffs, totally ignoring anything else before her.

 

One thing Clarke had noticed through her own observation, was the fact that Lexa kept rubbing and digging her nails into her left wrist, making Clarke wonder why she would do that. She could easily play with anything else to control her anger, but it seems her wrist was far more entertaining.

 

“Now that we have established everything, Indra and I will be back tomorrow to collect the paper work, and leave you both to decide on what you both would choose. And this is our cue to leave.”

 

Abby stood up along with Indra, both of them passing worrying glances between Clarke and Lexa, before they took their leave. Indra and Abby didn’t say two words to each other until they entered the car, and drove away.

 

“You think our little contract plan will work?” Indra grins at Abby who chuckled.

 

“Oh, it better work. At the most, we will find both their dead bodies in the morning. You know, I actually would like to come back tonight to have a look at the two of them. Just to see how they cope with each other and the contract.”

 

Indra smirks. “Shall we?”

 

“Oh yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Hope you guys like the start of the fic. So, I have to say before hand that things will be going up and down. Clarke and Lexa can be friends one day, and they could be assholes to each other the next. It will get angsty, it will get lovely as it goes on. Sometimes it can take a turn for the worse or it could be of the best. Just a warning, it will be unexpected. So, if you guys have the patience not to kill me so soon, it would be appreciated. ;D oh and of course if you know me, I take time to explain things and people so it will be done over the course of the story. Love you guys and all the comments given :X


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings could be bad. Or perhaps good?

Clarke stares at Lexa for close to an hour, and the silence between them was deafening. Lexa hadn’t moved an inch, making Clarke worry if this woman was actually still alive, or died in that position. Both of them didn’t want to move or even make a sound, scared that one of them would flip a switch by accident and a bomb might go off. Lexa on the other hand, was trying to calm her racing heart. She hadn’t seen Clarke in ages, ever since Clarke told her to never come back, and now, faced with her yet again, Lexa didn’t know what to think. She didn’t know what to say or do, and she could tell Clarke was itching to say something. Being the bold person she really is, Lexa takes the leap and faces Clarke.

 

“Spit it out Clarke. We have been here for an hour. I’m sure your dying to look at that paper.” Lexa’s tone was soft yet stern in a way.

 

“Okay so… you are okay with this thing? Whatever it is our god forsaken mothers put us up to?” Clarke looks at Lexa hesitantly, scared that the older brunette would throw a fit at her.

 

“Do I look like I have a fucking choice or say in this?” Lexa snaps back, making Clarke growl.

 

“Look… I’m not trying to be the enemy here. We are going to be stuck together, at least we could try to be friends.” Lexa immediately snaps her eyes up to Clarke, staring her dead in the eye.

 

“Friends? Really? How about I repeat to you the last words you ever said to me? I’m sure you remember it right? Or how about the fact that you and your little band of popular misfits beating me to a pulp every day after school because you were too much of a coward to stand up for a friend, whom you thought wasn’t important the day you decided to ditch her. Because you were afraid that if you stuck by some nerdy loser like me, they would pick on you too. You think I have forgotten everything Clarke? Like it’s done, sealed and forgiven? Your wrong.” Lexa argues back, making Clarke ball her fists up and stood up to level her eye with Lexa, both of them standing extremely close to each other, the coffee table being the only thing separating them.

 

“At least I admit to my fucking wrong doings Lexa. Yes! I admit I was too much of a coward back then and I am sorry. But I see right through you Lexa. You lash out at anyone who tries to help you, get through to you because of what? What is it that you being on your own makes it better? I may be a fucking hypocrite Lexa, but you’re a fucking liar. You want to pretend in front of your mother that your above everybody else, that you have control of your life, but you don’t. So forgive me for trying to at least lessen your miserable pain of me being around and being a friend than an enemy. I hate this as much as you do and I’ll be damned if I have to live with your arrogant ass that only knows how to make things worse with her own mother.”

 

Lexa staggers back, clearly taken aback by Clarke’s words. She never had anyone stand up to her like that before, despite her mother, and truly she was at a loss for words. She didn’t know what to think. Clarke realized that she had taken it a tad bit too far, and realizes her mistake immediately. She shouldn’t have approached Lexa that way. In that moment, Lexa stumbles back into the chair, her chest suddenly constricted, and the air in her lungs gone. Clarke panicked. Lexa was going through a panic attack. She could tell from the signs, and she jumped over the coffee table, immediately taking Lexa’s hands and placing it on her heart. God… she hoped this worked.

 

“Lexa… breathe. Feel my heart beating Lexa…” Lexa still struggled to breathe, her tears sliding down her face, and Clarke didn’t know what she said in her words had triggered the brunette to be as such.

 

“I… can’t… I… can’t Clarke.” Lexa gasped for air, and Clarke had to do something quick.

 

“Lexa… I need you to count with me okay? 1. Inhale. 2. Exhale. 3 Inhale…” And Clarke continued to count, slowly, until Lexa fell into line.

 

Lexa’s hand was slowly relaxing over her chest, her breathing slowing down, her hands no longer shaking and her tears had come to a stop. Lexa was relaxing, and Clarke continued on still until Lexa was comfortable enough. After another 45 minutes, Clarke looked at Lexa who had calmed down, and she moves to stand up, letting Lexa know she would be right back. Digging through the kitchen for a glass, Lexa appears in from behind, and opens the cupboard for her, making Clarke grin with a sheepish look and set about getting her some water.

 

“I’m sorry.” Was all Lexa said. Clarke looked at her again, trying to decide on the words that she wanted to use.

 

“I’m sorry too. For everything. I know it sucks that my mom is being a dick with your mom, and I wish I didn’t have to be the one to disturb your peace. She’s never usually like this. I mean, I do feel bad for living off her money, but yeah… I wish it didn’t have to be a burden to you. So, I’m sorry too.” Clarke sighs, rubbing her neck.

 

“I… haven’t had a panic attack in a long time. But… thank you, for bringing me back. Can I ask?”

 

“Wing it.”

 

“Why did Abby force you into this? I mean my mom came in yesterday, telling me I had to marry you or I she would take away my shop and bring me back to the firm. I don’t know why she did it, but I guess it’s because I tried asking her for some extra cash to let me open a bigger place than this pathetic shop downstairs. What was yours?” Lexa looks over to Clarke who began chuckling.

 

“Well, I guess she got tired of my shit. Me out drinking and partying, using her money that she gives me for rent and stuff every month. So yeah I kinda deserve it for that. Plus, I still had the balls to ask her for money that my dad left behind for me to start my own art gallery and shits of life and stuff got in the way. So yeah…” Clarke tries to choke back on a sob wanting to escape her throat.

 

The memories of the past bubbling up in her head, her demons threatening to spill out into the world. She realized then that Lexa was just the same as her. Both wanting to do things they dreamed off, but life got in the way and now their mothers were pulling the strings in their lives.

 

“Life sucks huh?” Lexa states, making Clarke smile.

 

“Well, can’t say I despise it. At least now I got a job if you would let me? I mean I can’t bake for shit but, hey, I can do cash fairly well. Scouts honor I won’t steal. Oh, and also won’t steal your cupcakes.” Clarke tries to joke, and Lexa gives a small smile before nodding.

 

“That I can live with.”

 

Silence forms between them, making them uncomfortable again. But Clarke feels this awkward tug, wanting to ask Lexa something stupid.

 

“Hey Lex… what happened between us? Our friendship?” It was a question that had been burning through her mind.

 

“Life. You had your friends. You were always the outgoing one of the group. I was the one who chose to be alone. We were different. And still are. Just that one of us grew up faster than the other. We went our separate ways and we lived with it. I still hate you for what you did to me all those years ago in school. But, for once… I’ll put my pride aside and try to be friends again with you. It’s not something I can forgive overnight for. And to at least appease our mothers.” Lexa barely said it aloud, leaving it as a whisper, and Clarke, she knew it was the only thing that they could start off with.

 

There was anger still in Lexa, sadness at how she was treated, and Clarke understood. She would at least try to be civil with Lexa. She knew things won’t be that easy, and to earn Lexa’s trust was a whole other thing because they were practically strangers at the moment, having spent years apart despite them sharing the same close friends. She could live with that for now. Maybe perhaps one day they could be how they were before things happened. But in the pit of her stomach, despite her last pain and heartbreak, maybe she could open Lexa back up, and they could be something more. Clarke had always loved her, more than a friend. But all those would have to wait, for now they had a contract to sign, and their careers were their first priority. Clarke wanted her gallery, and Lexa wanted a bigger shop for her booming business. And that would have to come first.

 

“Well… then let’s start again. Hi. My name is Clarke Griffin.” Clarke turns to smile at Lexa, holding her hand out for Lexa to shake.

 

“Nice to meet you Clarke. My name is Lexa. Lexa Woods.”

 

Lexa took Clarke’s hand, gripping it tightly as they looked at each other in the eye. Clarke noticed then, how Lexa’s eyes had remained the same beautiful green she had always loved since young, but not alive like it used to be. There were barriers built around them, emotions such as sadness, pain and suffering swirling around in them that Clarke wanted to know, but when their hands felt a spark travel through at the contact, just like the first time they held hands as kids, the immediately withdrew them and silence befell them again.

 

“Okay… I think we need to firstly stop being so awkward and silent. Umm.. maybe instead of standing here… could I at least get a room to rent? So my stuff ain't in the way of your front door and one of us won't go tumbling down the stairs and breaking our necks?” Clarke tries to joke, but only ever receiving a small hesitant smile from Lexa.

 

“Yeah sure. This way.”

 

Lexa brings Clarke over to the hallway she first heard Lexa and Indra arguing and Lexa opened the door just opposite of her room door, letting Clarke in. Clarke took in the view, assuming it to be the guest bedroom for nice cleaned sheets were placed, her work desk in the corner of the room and a small walk in closet to the side which was empty. Lexa was definitely a clean freak, judging by the lack of dust in the room. But of course, she had a day to prepare for Clarke's arrival, so that thought was pushed out the door.

 

“This was a storage room before. But since you're going to be living here, I cleaned it out and changed the sheets. Was supposed to be the guest bedroom but since I don't have any guest, well Anya used to be, so yeah…” Lexa explains hesitantly but keeps quiet afterwards.

 

“I'd say, it's pretty cosy than what my room used to look like. Cramped and all. But hey, this works fine. Again, I'm sorry for intruding and making you do all this for a person like me. But thank you.” Clarke tries to smile again, and only in return did she receive a nod from Lexa.

 

“It's your home now. So, just… be comfy. Ummm… work starts at 9 tomorrow for you. And if you need anything, just knock on my door. I'll be in my room.” Lexa turns to leave and Clarke catches her wrist.

 

“Hey… like I said… we can be friends. If you need someone to talk to.. I'm here.” Clarke states before letting her go.

 

“Thanks… but I'll be fine.”

 

Lexa said nothing more and walked across to her room, closing the door shut, and immediately locking it. Clarke sighed. She was frustrated with everything, wanting to literally burn everything down to the ground. Even Lexa. The woman could be soft at times, could be abrasive, or even completely shut off from the world. Clarke, found it aggravating that despite the effort she put in to be friendly, Lexa had retreated to her own room. And here she thought she had been making progress.

 

“Right… let's just unpack and go from there. Simple enough.”

 

Oh how Clarke wished it was.

* * *

 

 Lexa locked the doors to her bedroom and scrambled over her made up bed, running towards her desk and struggled to open the holder for her medication. She didn't know why she had been so edgy around Clarke. She felt like an idiot. She didn't know why but she felt safe around her. She felt emotional. She had never been that way in a really long time. And that's what scared her. She never wanted to feel. She couldn't. Feelings were bad. They would destroy her. Love is weakness.

 

“Love is weakness.”

 

Lexa repeated it over and over again, shaking on her bed as she waited for the feeling to pass. She wanted to be friends with her. But she couldn't. She couldn't accept it. The memories came flooding back to her like an open watergate. The taunts, the hits, the pain. It filled her head. The blonde woman she loved way back when laughed at her. Hit her. But yet, every time her friends walked away, the blonde lingered behind. She saw the pain in Clarke's eyes as if she wished she didn't have to be the one to do it. And it hurt Lexa more than anything else. She wanted to kill her, hurt her for all the things she had done to her. But somewhere in the deepest parts of her heart, she knew Clarke was sorry. The tears that cascaded down her face dripped onto the sheets. She never felt like this in a long time. When she was still young and naïve. She had grown up that day. No, she hardened herself up. To not let the world infiltrate her. She was made of stone.

 

Eventually, her emotions got the best of her, and she broke down crying. She placed her face in her palms, letting her sobs be quietly muffled. Somewhere deep in her heart, her feelings for Clarke never vanished, and now, everything came bubbling back up as if it was yesterday when they shared their first kiss. Yes, she remembered when they were young, they made a promise to marry each other despite what life had thrown at them. When they held hands walking back to their mothers, saying that they were each other's Wife, and now, it was happening. She didn't know whether to feel happy or sad about it. She was conflicted. Just as she was about to lay down, she heard a loud yelp from the living room. Immediately wiping her tears away, Lexa gets off the bed and rushes out, finding Clarke on the floor holding her foot and a big box in front of her.

 

“Are you okay?” Lexa scurries over and immediately bends down, looking at Clarke's big toe.

 

“A clumsy idiot is what I am. Damn box Raven packed for me with my art books and supplies landed on my toe when it slipped from my hands. I'm so going to fucking kill her for this.” Clarke grumbles as she opens up her hands to look at her big toe.

 

Lexa saw the redness forming and she immediately got up off the floor and grab a small towel, taking out the ice cubes in the freezer and placing it in the towel before heading back towards Clarke. Lexa rolled her eyes, seeing how much of a baby Clarke could be. Settling down in front of Clarke again, Lexa swats Clarke's hand out of the way and takes her foot, placing the towel of ice on her toe. Clarke immediately freezes, looking at Lexa with wide eyes as the beauty before her took over handling her toe. Lexa’s cleavage was showing from the way her long sleeve shirt which was pretty thin, hung open, and Clarke had to bite back a moan, not wanting Lexa to think otherwise. Her tan olive skin made her boobs stand out more, and her black lacey bra… oh fucking shut up Griff!

 

“Clarke? Are you okay?”

 

“Wha…” Clarke snapped out of her trance, and stared Lexa in the eye. She prayed she didn’t notice her staring at her breasts.

 

“I said, are you okay? You were zoning out.” Lexa eyed her suspiciously.

 

“Ehhhh yeah. Just enjoying the feeling of the ice on my toe. Sorry to scare you…” Clarke really felt like punching herself in the face.

 

“I see. How about we get you over to the couch, and I’ll move the rest of your stuff to the room?”

 

“It’s okay Lexa. I can handle it. It’s really heavy. I don’t want you breaking your back. Or let it slip from your…”

 

Lexa huffed and said nothing more, standing up and again bending over, picking up the box with such ease, her arm muscles flexing considerably, and she walked away towards the bedroom. Clarke moaned slightly, her center definitely itching to be touched as she watched the goddess before her walk away. Clarke was right. Lexa was no longer the shy and scrawny nerd. She was an amazon warrior no doubt. Probably a commander of a strong elite army who would bow before her and fight to death for her. She had it bad for her childhood crush no doubt. It’s only been a few hours and she was already struggling, becoming somewhat of a lovesick puppy. How could she have destroyed this woman all those years ago?

 

“Your welcome.” Lexa comes back out of the room, approaching the remaining boxes and getting them to the room.

 

Clarke makes her way over to the couch, hopping like an idiot and sits down, placing her foot up and relaxing down on the couch. Lexa on the other hand, cursed under her breath as she placed the last of Clarke’s boxes on the floor in her room and looked around. 8 boxes in total. And she immediately blushed when she noticed the box of sex toys that was open to the far right of the room. She knew Clarke was a party girl, and wasn’t surprised that Clarke would keep such things with her. Only problem was, Lexa felt her body heat up considerably at the thought of Clarke taking her on the bed with her collection of toys, and ravish her all night. Love is weakness. Lexa repeated in her heated, stopping her thoughts from going further and she exited the room, shutting the door behind her. Walking back into the living room, she found Clarke laying on the couch, the towel of ice still on her foot, and she looked through the contract their mothers had given them.

 

“You know, apparently, they put us up on a stay cation in the middle of fucking nowhere in Canada for a weekend as our 6 monthsary? This is fucking ridiculous. Worst of all, they expect us to have two kids as a minimum and four kids as a max. Can I kill your mom too after I murder mine?” Clarke looks over at Lexa, who groans miserably.

 

“Those two bitches would be the death of me.” Lexa huffs, walking over to sit in front of Clarke, taking the contract from Clarke.

 

“Oh, and they also said that I had to propose to you at a dinner we will be attending whenever they feel like it being done. And anything else we decide to do, we are basically on our own. Oh and the fucked up part is that wherever you go, I have to go, and wherever I go, you have to go. And she even quoted they have eyes and resources to tell if we left or not.”

 

“Fuck my life.” Lexa huffs, turning the pages again.

 

“Indeed. Maybe when our moms return, I'll murder them in cold blood in your kitchen. How many knives you got?”

 

“More than enough for murder if that's what your asking.” Lexa was still reading the conditions on the last page, when Clarke tapped her shoulders. “What?”

 

“I have an idea.” Lexa eyes her skeptically.

 

“I'm listening.”

 

“Actually… I don’t have one. I lost my train of thoughts.” Clarke grins sheepishly, and Lexa all but scowls.

 

“Will you stop messing around? We are stuck. There is no way in or out. If we don’t get married by next year, I will lose everything. I sure as hell do not want to be back with my mother at her fuck forsaken firm, and I sure as hell would not want to give up my shop. So it’s either you start getting on with the flow of how this shit is going to be, or so help me I will burn you alive myself.” Lexa scolds, making Clarke bite her tongue. Damn, Lexa was hot when she acted that way.

 

“Fine. Fine. I will go along with this shit, only because I do want my money too for my forsaken art gallery and not have to suffer with my mother living with her. So, we sign it?”

 

“I guess so.”

 

Both woman got to work, signing all the lines needed to and they sighed together, knowing that their fates had been sealed. But somewhere inside their hearts, they didn’t feel hate or anger at the situation. They reveled in it, knowing that they would be in each other’s good hands. It was somewhat unspoken that they actually liked the feeling of being engaged to each other, and that this was better than having to be married off to someone else they didn’t know. Lexa knew she shouldn’t be feeling safe and calm with her childhood crush, but it soothed her no doubt. Once everything had been signed, they looked at each other.

 

“Well Clarke, Congratulations. Your officially engaged.”

 

“Congratulations to you too Lexa. Your engaged too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Well, its not going to be an easy ride. Clarke as mentioned is a playful person, while Lexa has her reservations and her walls built up. So things would be slow, but of course knowing me, I like to throw in stuff here and there making it look like they are good terms. Of course as the story progresses, I will explain further on their past, and the mysteries that surround them both. And not to mention Indra and Abby pulling tricks up their sleeves :) hope you guys enjoyed it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look in the past with a taste of pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: BULLYING AND VIOLENCE

_“Hey Clarke! You’re missing the action.”_

_“What action? I was from English class Murphy.” Clarke walks over to her locker, placing her books inside, finally done with the day. She sighed, knowing her friends were off doing something stupid again._

_“Come on. The little nerd is getting it good today.” Clarke stops her movements._

_She knew who the little nerd was. Lexa. Her childhood crush whom she loved still. Despite her having a boyfriend, she knew her heart always belonged to her. Closing her locker, Clarke takes off running with Murphy, heading down the corridor and towards the school gym. They knew the teachers wouldn’t pass by the gym at this hour, and everyone who was in her social circle would be there. She cringed at the thought. She wished she didn’t become the person she was, but because of her parent’s social status, and the people surrounding her were homophobic assholes, she had no choice but to join them and pretend to be someone she isn’t. Opening the doors to the gym room, she could hear the sounds of students laughing, some clapping while others cheered on._

_There in the middle of the room, was Lexa, sprawled on the floor, blood dripping from her nose, as she looked up at Finn Collins, her boyfriend, who was smiling like the arrogant asshole he was. Lexa had been crying, begging to be set free, but Clarke knew well enough that it was far from over. Standing in the crowd was Bellamy, Octavia’s brother, whom she refused to speak with ever since she found out of his act of bullying, and she refrained from ever being near him. To the side was Emori, Murphy’s girlfriend, and a few other boys and girls who hung out with the popular club. Finn, who kicked Lexa right in the rib, causing her to cough out blood, laughed even more._

_“You see Lexa! This is what you get from being a teacher’s fucking pet. Because of you, the rest of us have to work harder to pass our fucking exams. When will you ever learn to keep your fucking gay brain to yourself?” Finn sent another kick, and Clarke’s heart skipped a beat when she heard the sound of bones cracking._

_“Hey! Chill Finn. I still want some fun with this piece of shit.” Murphy laughs before heading over to Lexa, yanking her up by her hair before punching her in the face._

_Clarke knew Lexa was destroyed on the inside. Ever since her father, Gustus, killed himself a couple of months ago, Lexa had been the prime target to bullying. Not just from them, but others whom she never knew off. Most of them were afraid of her at first, seeing that her dad was in the military, and no doubt was a well-respected man. He didn’t take shit from others, and he would definitely bring hell down upon those who touched his daughter. Clarke remembered how soft the man was when she was around with her mom and dad at their place, and Clarke always thought that Lexa was the prettiest girl alive. But she was too much of a coward to stand up to these people around her. She didn’t want to end up like Lexa._

_“Babe! Get over here. I’m sure you want to take some steam off, don’t you?” Finn calls for Clarke, and she puts on a brave face for herself, showing that she actually did enjoy it, but the sick twisted feeling in her gut made her want to throw up. This wasn’t her._

_“Come on Clarke! Take a hit. She’s all yours now. Make the bitch bleed harder. That will show her who’s in charge around here.”_

_Clarke stared down at Lexa, tears threatening to spill from her eyes as she stared down at the woman before her. Bruises forming, cheeks swollen, lips busted, her glasses cracked and on the ground in pieces. And that’s when Clarke saw those beautiful green orbs, sadness filled her eyes, and the pleading look she gave from the ground made Clarke cry inside. She could choose to end up like her, or she could be a coward and hit her._

_“Let it go Clarke. You can do it.” Bellamy laughed as her held his girlfriend, Gina, close to his side._

_Clarke closed her eyes, and she swung her arm around, landing her fist against the girl she loved, right across her cheeks. Lexa yelled out in pain. It wasn’t pain from the hit. It was pain from her own friend, her own childhood love, that had brought her hand down upon her. Clarke stood up, only for Finn to come over to her and grip her wrist, showing her how to hit harder._

_“Finn… I've already let my anger go on her. I don't need to waste more energy on a loser like her.” Clarke states, wanting to be rid of her predicament._

_“Come on babe. Just one more punch, and we can leave this loser here all alone like she belongs. In the dirt.” He laughs and pushes Clarke forward. Lexa was already on the floor, clearly crying from the pain, wishing and willing it to stop._

_Clarke swallows down the bile in her throat, and bends down on the ground, yanking Lexa up by the hair. It wasn't sadness or plea in her eyes now, but anger and rage. Clarke knew Lexa would hate her forever. Taking a deep breath, Clarke willed herself to punch Lexa across the face, and Lexa drops down to the ground completely, letting out a pained moan._

_“Come on guys. Let's leave the bitch here to rot. Daddy can't help her no more.” Murphy exclaims and the whole lot of them left._

_Clarke made an excuse to use the bathroom to wash off her hands, and said that she would join them at the car later, if they wanted to wait for her. Finn scoffed and left, stating he had somewhere to be and Clarke left on her own. So, Clarke waited in the bathroom until the others left, before heading back towards the gym. Finding Lexa again, still struggling to gather her things on the ground, Clarke walked over to her quietly before bending down close to her._

_“Lexa…”_

_“Get the fuck away from me…” Lexa seethed, pain and anger written all over her tone._

_“I'm sorry… I had to Lex. If they knew I was bi, they would destroy my parent’s reputation. I can't afford their names to be tarnished…”_

_“Save it Clarke. You're no longer my friend and never will be. And here I thought you had the guts to stand up to people like you used to. Now… I was wrong. Your nothing but a hypocrite. So just go…” Lexa grips her ribs hard, grabbing her books and bag, trying to stand up. Clarke reaches her hand to grip Lexa's arm, only for Lexa to push her away hard._

_“GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! DON’T MAKE ME TELL ABBY AND JAKE OF WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! YOUR DEAD TO ME!” Lexa screams at her, willing herself to stand up and walk away, leaving Clarke on the ground, watching the love of her life walk away._

_She knew it was her fault and she deserved it. She was a skank and a hypocrite. Her parents were good people in town and no doubt they would be looked upon as wonderful people by others. Indra, Lexa's mom was well respected still, being the hotshot lawyer she is and the people she had helped. They blamed her Lexa liking girls. They blamed Lexa herself for being different. And it broke her heart over and over again. She knew Lexa would never forgive her. And maybe never will. She would have to live with it for the rest of her life._

_And hope that one day, Lexa might have a heart for her still._

* * *

 

Clarke snapped out of her thoughts as a customer left the shop with two boxes of cupcakes in her hand. She rubbed her neck, feeling bored out of her mind, yet somehow, her thoughts lingered back to the memories of the things she has done. It's been two weeks since she had moved in with Lexa, and the brunette hasn't said two words after explaining to her how to run the front of the shop. Lexa had a routine. She would bake, close up with Clarke, and at night, she would cook, making enough for two before retreating to her bedroom. Clarke had tried talking to her a few times, but only received yes or no answers, making it hard to actually strike a conversation with her. Her mom and Indra had returned the night she moved in to get the contract, which she still thought was total bullshit, and they had been as such ever since. Clarke didn't know what to do in order to make the brunette forgive her. Lexa could easily ignore for life and no doubt she was doing a good job at ignoring her. She knew what she did was shitty, but she was getting tired of the silence.

 

She had tried everything she could, cleaning up the apartment, washing the clothes, and everything that she could possibly do to earn the brunette's voice, but it didn't seem to be enough. Things weren't progressing at all and she really had the urge to pick a fight with Lexa just to get her to talk. What made matters worse, was the fact that Lexa was always on her mind 24/7, how her perfect body was embedded in her mind, and how it would feel to make love to the piece of art that was currently behind in the kitchen. Clarke admitted, she thirsted for Lexa. But she didn't have any right to do so. She was a bitch and an asshole, a bully still in Lexa's eyes, and she was going to suffer being around Lexa. Her jokes didn't work at all, and Clarke was literally talking to a wall. Clarke decided that maybe she should make dinner tonight, and see if that would get the brunette talking. That would work.

 

“Clarke!” Lexa hollered from behind, making Clarke jump up from her seat.

 

“Yes boss?”

 

“I'm not paying you to sit around and stone at the fucking wall. I called you three times to take these batch out, but you seemed to be stoning. Get your head out of your ass and get it on display.” Lexa scolded before returning into the kitchen.

 

“You know, a little please and thank you would be nice too.” Clarke grumbled, following Lexa from behind.

 

“I would if you weren't staring into space.” Lexa bit back, getting back to her icing on the table. Clarke sighed, taking the stuff out and placing them on display before bringing the tray back.

 

As usual, Lexa hardly acknowledge the fact that she was staring at her and Clarke lost her screw and temper. “Okay this is bullshit Lexa! You have been ignoring me for fucking two weeks. We were supposed to be making an effort to act like civilized people around each other, yet you keep rejecting my efforts. What is it that's bugging you?” Clarke asked, clearly frustrated.

 

“If I recall, you were dead to me.” Lexa was still doing her work, clearly uninterested in the conversation at hand and Clarke decides to make a bold move.

 

“What do you want me to do huh Lexa? To beg down on my knees, asking for forgiveness? To kiss your feet and wash your hands every fucking day just to get you to talk to me? Kay I get it, I was a fucking hypocrite. Yes, I was too much of a coward to stand up and yes… yes it hurt me to see you that way. I…” Clarke bit back her tongue.

 

She couldn't say the words. Not the words of I love you, but the words that I still care about you even after all this time. That you were always in my heart and that I have never stopped thinking about you. But Lexa was so different, so gone, that she highly doubted Lexa would even care. She had scarred her that day. Scarred her so badly, Lexa had claimed her dead to her. Thing is, even if she was getting married to someone, she would at least try to love them. But with Lexa… she was a different scenario altogether.

 

“I just want to be left alone Clarke. Our situation is just a marriage of convenience. You want your gallery, I want my dessert shop. That contract is just for our mother’s eyes. Nothing more.” Lexa said softly, her eyes still not meeting Clarke's.

 

“Is there someone else in your life Lexa? Because if there is, I will get my mom to back off. And get your mom to understand that you have someone else that you love in your life.” Clarke said it as a whisper, her heart aching at the fact that Lexa might belong to someone else. Who loved her and treated her right.

 

“There isn't anyone… just… go outside please… I need some space.” Lexa was trying her best not to break down in tears. She couldn’t feel. No matter how much she wanted to.

 

Just then, they heard the sound of the front door open, the bell ringing in its wake, and the all to familiar voice that sounded made Lexa scowl. Clarke eyed her skeptically, knowing that this was definitely someone the older brunette recognized, and she wanted to know why Lexa felt such animosity towards the guest. Lexa trudges out, leaving Clarke standing there with her arms folded to the side, and the conversation started.

 

‘Lexa love, you promised we would go out on a date. You owe me that for supporting your cupcake business when I come to visit every month.’

 

‘Honestly, I couldn’t really care. Even if you stopped coming, I would be more than happy.’ Lexa replies back coldly. Clarke moved closer to the door, trying to hear the ongoing conversation with the mysterious woman, and Lexa was getting pretty agitated just by her tone. Not that it wasn’t always agitated. But still.

 

‘Nope. I’m not leaving until you accept a date with me.’

 

“HONEY!” Clarke hollers, emerging from the kitchen doors, and a big smile on her face as she looked at Lexa, who had her eyebrow perked up at her. “Do you need any help baby? Sorry I took so long at the grocery store. Long queue. But I did get your Butterscotch Cookie ice cream.” Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa’s waist, pulling her close to her body, placing a soft kiss on Lexa’s head before looking at the woman standing in front.

 

“Ontari. Meet my wife, Clarke Griffin. Clarke this is Ontari. Her company buys cupcakes for functions every month and she was just about to leave.” Lexa stands closer to Clarke, letting the comforting and protective feeling wash over her, feeling safe and warm. She relished it, and Lexa felt herself give way into Clarke's embrace.

 

“You…. Your… married?” Ontari staggered around her words.

 

“She is and would like to be left alone. My wife is clearly not interested in you and would love it that you can scoot your sorry ass out the door. It would gladly be appreciated.” Clarke said coolly, her eyes never leaving Ontari’s and the woman shared a quick glance between the two before walking out of the shop.

 

Clarke smirked as she watched the arrogant office woman not realizing that the brunette beside her had settled into her side, feeling the warmth radiating from her body and Clarke felt her heart race. It felt serene, it felt calming. Soothing, like they mended together into a lump of mush. They fit together perfectly. Clarke didn't dare move from her spot. She wanted to relish it for as long as she could before they would part ways and never be close like this again. Lexa on the other hand, was afraid to me. She loved this. To feel safe and wanted, to feel protected and loved. To never feel lonely again. Lexa rested her head-on Clarke’s shoulder, hoping to have it a little longer when a loud explosion happened. Lexa immediately moves away, rushing into the kitchen which was clouded in heavy smoke, and her cupcakes were everywhere, the oven was in flames. Clarke bolts in behind Lexa, immediately covering her nose as the alarms went off, and she darted around for a fire extinguisher.

 

Lexa had already beaten her to the punch, scrambling from the storage room and because she was in a daze trying to get to the fire, she didn’t see Clarke near the oven, taking a cloth with her and whacking at the flames as if it would distinguish. Lexa presses down on the handle, the icy cold liquid dousing the fire, and Clarke screams when the cold engulfs her, making Lexa stop immediately before looking at the scene before her. There Clarke stood, completely in white, on her eyes blinking and moving, making Lexa stare at horror. The fire was out no doubt, but she couldn’t help but laugh. She actually laughed. Clarke looked at Lexa, clearly in disbelief that Lexa was capable of finding something extremely amusing and funny, and it made Clarke happy. Lexa was full on laughing.

 

“Oh, so you think this is funny? Do I look like I was on fire to you?” Clarke states, wiping her face with the towel in hand.

 

“I’m… so so sorry. I swear… this is really funny.” Lexa snorts again and buckles down laughing, the danger clearly out of her mind and the image before her eyes was clearly amusing.

 

“Well then… maybe a little smear would make us equal?” Clarke takes the white stuff off her shirt in front, and immediately walks over to Lexa slowly with a huge grin plastered to her face. If this is what it will take to hear that beautiful laugh, she would do it over and over again just to make the brunette let loose.

 

“You wouldn’t dare!” Lexa who was still giggling away, looks at Clarke with wide eyes.

 

“Oh I think I would.” Clarke smirks, and Lexa pulls the fire extinguisher up, ready to protect herself.

 

“I am your boss Clarke. Don’t make me cut your pay!” Lexa backs up slowly, and Clarke ignores her words, running forward and lunging her hand at Lexa.

 

Lexa screams and giggles, dropping the fire extinguisher, and Clarke trips over the fire extinguisher, falling into Lexa and both woman go crashing down onto the floor. Clarke smears the white stuff over Lexa, the brunette laughing and begging to be let free, making Clarke laugh as well. Lexa finally gave up struggling, and settled down, trying to catch her breath, before her eyes met ocean blue ones. In that moment of time, everything had stopped, and Clarke glanced between Lexa’s green orbs and her full lips that were kissable. God, Lexa was perfect. Lexa at the same time, had her eyes darting back and forth between Clarke’s lips and her eyes, finding their situation extremely inappropriate. She wasn’t supposed to be thinking about this. She still felt the hurt, the pain, the anger that she harbored for Clarke all these years, yet, here she was thinking about tasting those lips. She felt fire burning between them, the electricity that ran through their bones, connecting them together like a power plant, and Lexa felt the surge of confidence to just take Clarke there and then.

 

An ongoing battle raged on in each other’s minds, debating on whether they should or shouldn’t do what they wanted to do. But lust and desire took over, prompting Lexa to shift her head up, and Clarke immediately surges down, taking Lexa’s lips into hers. Fireworks shot up in the sky as their lips met, hunger and lust filling the room, and despite the burning smell that was still lingering heavily in the kitchen, Clarke felt herself travel to heaven in that moment of bliss. Lexa tasted like strawberries, her hot lips pressed together softly, and the slow motion of her lips made Clarke moan slightly. Lexa didn’t waste any time, and she opened her mouth slightly, giving Clarke permission to deepen the kiss when she was ready. Clarke didn’t wait a second longer and dived in for the kill, their tongues colliding together like the ocean waves in the middle of a storm.

 

“Hello? Is anybody in here? This is the fire department!” The sound of a man hollered from the shop front, prompting Lexa and Clarke to break apart as fast as possible.

 

Both woman who was out of breath scrambled to their feet, Lexa not sparing Clarke a glance walked out into the front and greeted the men who had made their in. The fire alarm had been set off, and Lexa had forgotten to switch it off, making the fire department show up at the shop nonetheless. Clarke wiped herself down the best she could, but that seemed to be a hard task for her lips were still burning from the searing hot kiss she just received from Lexa. How her lips still tingled from the moment, how her tongue suddenly felt empty at the loss of contact. Lexa makes her way back into the kitchen, two firemen immediately walking forward to have a look at the situation.

 

“Well Maam… looks like the fuse on this thing shorted out and that’s how the fire started. You have to get a full replacement for this. Is your shop insured?” The taller man stands up to look at Lexa, who was biting her lip.

 

“Nope.” Lexa sighs, wishing she should have done it ages ago.

 

“Well, it’s going to cost a bomb but you would have to get a full replacement or it will blow again. Other than that, we checked everywhere else, your good to go. If there’s anything else, we will take our leave.” Lexa nods and follows the men out back towards the front of the shop.

 

Clarke saw the sullen look on Lexa’s face. Shits of it was, she wasn’t insured, and to have it fixed and replaced would cost Lexa a bomb. She knew it was not worth arguing with her about asking their moms for help, seeing that it would only add fuel to the fire between the warring woman’s, so Clarke was clearly irritated. Lexa was stubborn, she knew that, and there was no way Lexa could pay for this. Let alone Clarke herself. Lexa walks back in, clearly on the brink of tears, and Clarke knew this was not the time to be making jokes or even talking about their kiss that happened earlier. Lexa was in a bad state of mind.

 

“We will be out of business as off now until I can get someone to come over and fix this piece of shit. I have no choice but to close, so I can’t pay you until this thing is fixed. I’m sorry.” Lexa states, her head still trained on the burnt oven.

 

“Hey… don’t worry about it. We can figure this out together. Maybe first things first, we can head down to one of the insurance agencies and get insurance on this place in case shit like this happen again. Then we can work from there.” Clarke offers without hesitancy, making Lexa sigh.

 

“This isn’t your burden to bear Clarke. It’s mine and mine alone.”

 

“Didn’t we agree to be friends? At least I can help you out. That’s what I can offer. To be a friend and to help out anyway I can. Sooooo… why don’t you head upstairs, get yourself a drink, I’ll start on dinner, and while I make dinner, you relax in the shower? Clear your thoughts and start fresh tomorrow?” Clarke said cheerfully, only making the sad and closed off Lexa return.

 

“Very well. See you upstairs.” Lexa walks away, closing herself off to the world again, and Clarke waits patiently until Lexa is gone from earshot before she whips out her phone.

 

Clarke felt bad for Lexa. The laughter that she heard from Lexa the very first time had disappeared almost instantly, being replaced by the stoic and sad person she has seen this entire time. Clarke couldn’t believe how fast it took for Lexa to change her mood, wondering if Lexa was actually trying to avoid having feelings at all. Clarke wondered to herself, if Lexa had been more outgoing, letting loose to the world, she would have bet her ass that Lexa would be rolling in with woman left, right and center. But the beauty she had come to know carried the world on her shoulders, and simply couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. Dialing the number on the phone, Clarke smiles when the voice over the phone answers.

 

“Hey Clarke! What’s up?”

 

“Hey Wick! I need to call in a favor and you bloody owe me.”

 

“Jesus… fine. What do you need?”

 

“Well…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So... don't hate me because I initiated a little kiss between the two. Clarke may think she has made progress, but nothing is ever simple in regards to getting someone you hurt to forgive you all so easily. Lexa may have let it slip and slide but she's still not going to budge so soon :) things will get heated, and desires will come to play, but it could either be good, or it could be really really bad. Stay tuned ;)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You make me wanna die.

The water pierced her skin as she sat under the running hot water, burning her. Her knees were pressed up against her chest, and the blade in her hand was dripping with red. Lexa felt her hot tears mend with the hot water burning her skin, feeling hopeless. Her bakery was fucked up. She never had this problem. She was fine on her own. Always have been. But now, everything was messed up. No doubt that the certain blonde who crash landed into her life again was the cause of her misfortunes. If only the world could have just left her alone forever, she would be so much better off. She didn’t need to burden anyone, didn’t need to socialize with anyone, she would have been better alone. Lexa stared at her wrists, it’s beauty of smooth skin lost forever from the months of scars that collected over time and the cuts that were placed there every night by force. Her wrist burned along with the hot water, but Lexa paid no mind to the pain, her aching heart had been hurting enough.

 

Lexa closed her eyes, feeling the weight of the world crash down upon her. She didn't want to ask for help, she didn't need help. The memories of the past flooded her mind, beaten up day by day by the assholes of the school. How she had dragged herself home every day bruised and battered, ribs aching and hurting, with no one to turn to. Indra was away at work, only coming home in the evening to make dinner, yet she never allowed her own mother to see the problems she faced at school. Her dad would always tell her over and over again, a strong warrior overcomes all barriers when the right emotions are used in the correct situations. To never falter and show fear that is the enemies greatest weakness. Fear. Give them that and they will overpower you even more. Lexa took it to heart, and every time the same group of people came after her, she would put up a fight to ensure that her dignity and pride still remained despite being down on the ground. But that thought was replaced when her mind lingered to the night her weaknesses came crashing down, her heart shattering along with everything else. Images came to mind, and the voices filled her head.

 

_“You know the answer to that Lexa. I’m done with the chemo Lex. I just want to live out the rest of my days at home with the family.”_

_“Please don’t make me choose Cos. I can’t…” Lexa gripped the wheel of the car, her tears cascading down her cheeks as she stared ahead into the dark snowy road._

_“I’m not making you choose Lexa… I want you to go. I know you love me beyond this world and the next. But I only have a couple of months left. I want to be with my family. You deserve someone so much better than me Lexa. Your smart, beautiful and kind, anyone who loves you will be thankful for having you in their life. Maybe perhaps you should pay a visit to that childhood crush of yours. First loves are always the last loves.” Costia says in a teasing tone._

_“I love you and only you Costia… I…” Lexa turns to look at Costia, her tired smile breaching her face, her head shiny with skin and a beanie placed around it. Her tired eyes looked at Lexa directly in the eye, making her cry even more._

_Costia reaches over, cupping Lexa’s face with her palms and wiped the tears away. Costia knew Lexa would find someone new, who would love her and all her broken pieces that reside in her heart. Costia knew Lexa would be in good hands. She didn’t want to see the woman she loved so much suffer even more by watching her die slowly every day, and therefore, she made Lexa drive to their favorite spot on the bridge one last time together. Lexa closed her eyes, leaning into Costia’s touch before Costia moves forward and leans their foreheads together._

_“I will always love you Lexa. Always. But this time, it’s not you who has to choose to let me go, but I’m the one choosing to let you go.” Costia then proceeds to take out the engagement ring from her finger, and passes it to Lexa, closing her hands around the ring and pushing Lexa’s fist to her heart._

_“Don’t ever give up on love Lexa. Don’t shut yourself out. The past is the past. People change. You changed. Talk to her. You never know if she’s the one for you. But I’m guessing she is. You told me how you both felt a spark the time when you were kids. Now that my love, is a soulmate. One who belongs to you forever.” Costia smiles, and Lexa sobs._

_“You’re only saying that to make me leave. I don’t want too.” Lexa begs, her tears spilling down to her thighs._

_“Let me go my love… let me go. For I already have.”_

_Before Lexa could say anything more, Lexa lunges forward, Costia goes flying backwards as the whole car spins out of control. Everything was happening so fast, Lexa didn’t register the fact that the car had been driving into the river below. The coldness of the water pierced her skin, making Lexa struggle to get a grip of the situation at hand. Her mind was racing as she kicked relentlessly at the door to get it open. Costia was looking around as well, and she noticed that a school bus had hit them, perhaps because of the icy roads, that Costia saw the children screaming from the bus._

_“Lexa… the children. Save them!” Costia hollered, knowing she wouldn’t make it. Her foot was stuck, and with her failing health, she didn’t have the strength to do anything at all._

_“I am not leaving you!” Lexa was trying to get the seatbelt off of Costia, only to be stopped._

_“Save them Lexa. For me.” Lexa looked at Costia in the eye, and she knew this was it._

_Costia was dying. She was going to die soon and even if she saved her, she wouldn’t make it. But the children in the bus stood a chance. She knew that all too well. And Lexa made the choice. She kissed Costia one last time and smashed the window open, water flooded the car and Lexa took one glance before swimming over the school bus that was still half submerged in the water. The driver was knocked out from her side of the view, and there were at least 7 children in the bus, crying and screaming for Lexa to help. Wasting no time, Lexa moves to the back of the bus, and tries to unlock the hatch but to no avail, realizing that her efforts were futile. She swam under, searching for a way to get in, and found an opening, the window at the front of the bus had been smashed open and Lexa swam in. The bus driver was already submerged underwater, not knowing whether or not if he was still alive. But Lexa had a priority. She had to get the kids to safety. She swam up, her teeth chattering from the cold, and she moved to the back of the bus, tugging and pulling on the lever to open the door._

_Sirens rang in her ears, red lights flashed at the edge of the river, and hope was here. Lexa tried with all her might, and finally the door budged open. Lexa didn’t waste any time and she helped each child out of the bus. Her lungs burned, her hands were numbed, yet she kept going and going until all of them were out. Lexa pushed herself out of the bus, making a decision in her heart, and she jumped back in, swimming back to her car which now lay at the bottom of the river. Her heart stopped as she saw Costia’s lifeless body in the car, and she knew it was all over. She never gave her the chance to spend her final moments with her family. It was all her fault. And in her head, she made the final decision again with her heart. To drown and die, letting her soul find Costia in the afterlife._

Lexa pries her eyes back open, knocks at the door startling her from her thoughts.

 

“Lexa? It’s me Clarke. I ordered in Chinese. So, whenever you’re ready, food will be served.” Clarke hollers from the other side of the door.

 

“Will be out soon. Thank you.” Lexa wipes her tears, switching the water from burning hot water to cold, letting her skin cool after the burning heat scalded her back.

 

Lexa then wondered aloud to herself. “How can I love someone who hurt me all those years ago? She doesn’t even show remorse Costia. How can she be my soulmate? Love is weakness. Yet, kissing her felt so right Cos. How can I even forgive her?” Lexa wished that Costia was still around to tell her what to do.

 

Because right now, she didn’t know what to do and only the feeling of loneliness welcomed her.

* * *

 

 Clarke paced around the living room, waiting patiently for Lexa to come out of the bathroom. Not that there weren’t two, but Clarke was worried that Lexa wasn’t okay. She had been cooped up inside the bathroom for close to an hour, and living with Lexa for the past two weeks, Lexa was never a woman for long showers. She knew Lexa was an organized and always precise in her work, so when Lexa takes too long in a bathroom when she usually takes 15 minutes, that is something to worry about. She remembered standing by the door, really hot steam came out from the opening in the door at the bottom, a little too hot for Clarke's own liking. What the hell was she doing in there? Pacing the living for another 10 minutes, Lexa finally does emerge from the bathroom, eyes haggard and exhausted, her shoulders slumped forward and Clarke eyed her from top to bottom. Lexa was only using a pair of boy shorts and a long sleeve shirt, black too, which made Clarke slap herself. She so had to stop ogling Lexa as if she was just a piece of meat.

 

“You eating?” Lexa asks as she shifts over towards the take out, and Clarke cursed herself for staring.

 

“Ummmm yeah. So ummmm… I know it sucks about the kitchen stove and also the oven being a pain in the butt, I called in a favor from an old friend of mine who can help out your case. And maybe if you want, I could go with you to one of the insurance joints around here if you like.” Clarke sat across from Lexa on the floor, her eyes scanning Lexa’s features, wanting to see the brunette’s reaction.

 

“It’s fine Clarke. I will find my way around. Just need to look up some numbers I could call up to get them to come over and fix.” Lexa brushes Clarke away, making Clarke roll her eyes.

 

“Maybe just focus on getting the insurance Lexa. Like I said, a friend of mine will fix that kitchen to tip top shape and no doubt you can open again in a couple of days.” Clarke stubbornly stated.

 

“And you didn’t bother to tell me? You know it’s one thing to take advantage of someone in a dire situation, kissing them, and now you tinker around with my shop? Haven’t you got the jest that I don’t need your help or anyone else’s help for that matter?” Lexa replies darkly at Clarke.

 

Clarke was clearly at a loss of words. She would have at least expected a simple thank you or sure I would want you along kind of answer. But she totally goes the opposite. Okay, perhaps Clarke should have asked Lexa fist, but then again, she wanted it to be a surprise for her, to win her heart over, but this was going nowhere. Clarke realized then that this was going to take a lot more to earn the woman’s forgiveness.

 

“I was just trying to help…” Clarke knew to reply in a softer tone than her usual angry outburst.

 

“If you wanted to help me Clarke… you should have when you punched me to the ground. When you stood there looking at how pathetic I was everyday with your shitty boyfriend that couldn’t stop enjoying himself from taking his anger out at me. You could have helped me then but yet, you watched like a coward!” Lexa yelled.

 

“You think it didn’t hurt me Lexa? I hated Finn. I hated him so much. But because mom and dad were such good friends, best business partners with his parents, I couldn’t risk it. I didn’t want their parents to know how much of a dick he was.” Clarke was getting angry. Her fist clenched together, waiting to punch something.

 

“Then why not stand up for yourself Clarke? I pretty much a certain Abby and Jake would have stood up for you. You just didn’t have the balls to say anything. Same like you are now. You never change.”

 

“He fucked me until I was pregnant Lexa! He fucked me good, and when he found out I was pregnant with his fucking kid, he beat the shit out of me until I became fucking barren. I can never ever get pregnant again because of what he did to me. Before graduation that I never came to school for a month, my mum and dad knew what happened and yes! I was too late. I should have said something earlier but I was too much of a coward. And I knew I lost you as a friend because I never stood up for you. And I am sorry. And I will keep saying sorry until the day I die.” Clarke sighs, her anger finally dissipating. Lexa rubs her chin, eyes looking at the ground.

 

“I am sorry about what happen. I’m sorry Finn was such a dick to you. I hope he got whatever he deserved Clarke. Truly. But the fact that you had a part to play in it for all those years, I can’t just simply let it go. I just can’t.” Lexa stands up to walk away, and Clarke stares at her before yelling.

 

“THEN TELL ME WHAT IT IS YOU WANT FROM ME!”

 

“Leave me alone Clarke.” Lexa states firmly but Clarke wasn’t having any of it.

 

“Or what?”

 

Clarke challenged. Lexa never liked to challenged. Lexa looks over her shoulders, her eyes burning into Clarke’s. Lexa took the plastic cup right beside her and aimed it at Clarke. “Don’t push me Clarke. I will throw every miserable thing in this house at you until you bleed.” Lexa seethed.

 

“I dare you.” Clarke challenged even more.

 

Clarke wanted to know how far she could push the brunette's button, knowing that Lexa was pushing her away more than she let up and Clarke wanted to know why. Sure, she was making it entirely impossible for Clarke to get her forgiveness, but it was a challenge no doubt Clarke accepted. She was going to marry her and she would at least have wanted a simple marriage where the both of them could at least communicate with each other. Lexa was on the verge no doubt, of throwing something at Clarke, and she really felt the burning urge to do so. She knew this was going to be an all-out war, and she was more than prepared to take Clarke down if she had to. She had to put Clarke in her place and definitely, this was how it was going to be.

 

“What are you waiting for Lexa? Afraid I'm going to be the one putting you on the ground again?”

 

And the cup went flying. It missed Clarke entirely and Clarke moved forward, trying her best to get a pillow to deflect the next hit. Lexa scrambled over to the table, grabbing a cup holder and started throwing everything that came after with it, Clarke still deflecting hit after hit. One of the books that Lexa bad grabbed hit the radio near one of the stands, and the music blared to life. The irony of it was the music that fit the mood, angry and desperate at the same time, and it became a game of cat and mouse. They chased around the living room, items flying and breaking as Lexa hunted Clarke down, her anger fueling her adrenaline to get Clarke down on the ground. She wasn’t going to stop until she put Clarke down under her. Heading into the kitchen, Lexa took out the knives, and Clarke knew this was getting deadly.

 

“Your fucking crazy woman. Crazy!” Clarke hollered, and a knife went flying past her. It didn’t hit her at all for Clarke was quick enough to dodge the knife, and she sprinted towards Lexa, pushing her back into the living room and both of them went tumbling over the couch.

 

Lexa didn’t wait, and she tackled Clarke onto her back, pining her down to the ground when Clarke kneed her in the stomach, sending her onto her back growling. Clarke took the chance and jumped over onto Lexa, gripping her hands above her head and Lexa head butted Clarke. Falling backwards and holding her forehead, Clarke looked up at a raging Lexa, who jumped in mid air, her elbow coming down onto Clarke. But Clarke rolled to the side, and Lexa’s elbow hit the hard wood floor, making her scream up. Clarke rolls back onto Lexa’s back, pinning her again, and Clarke didn’t see the next move when Lexa back heads Clarke in the nose. Clarke tumbles back over again, and this time Lexa was straddling Clarke, and before Lexa could take a punch, Clarke stops moving. She accepted it. She accepted that Lexa needed to let out her anger towards her and Clarke only stared up at the woman before her.

 

Lexa saw the sincerity in Clarke's eyes and she halted her hand. This was the Clarke she saw in high school. The one who stood by with pain in her eyes, the one who didn't want to hit her yet she was seemingly forced to do so. This was the Clarke who kissed her when Lexa was 12 and Clarke was 10, being the one who said that one day they would be lovers and marry each other. Lexa's heart ached even more. She ached for she had lost Costia, yet Costia believed that Clarke was the one for her. For she had been the one telling her that people change. Clarke was hurt. She was barren because of the son of a bitch who had destroyed her in high school, and Lexa didn't know what to feel. She felt sorry yet angry. She felt hurt yet pity. She didn't know what was real or fake anymore. But those blue eyes that looked up at her was telling her that she accepted it. Accepted that Lexa was going to take her revenge on her. To hit her and beat her. To make her feel better about taking her revenge. But what Lexa didn't anticipate, especially by herself, was leaning all the way down and pressing her lips against Clarke's.

 

Clarke remained still, being caught off guard completely by Lexa's change of of demeanor. No way was Lexa kissing her. Soon, a song came on, and no doubt it made Clarke all the hornier. Oh god, was her sex pooling with wetness. No way was this song making her so ungodly turned on by what Lexa was doing.

 

“Take me I'm alive  


Never was a girl with a wicked mind  


But everything looks better when the sun goes down

 

I had everything  


Opportunities for eternity  


And I could belong to the night…”

 

Lexa yanks Clarke off the floor, and pushes Clarke up against the nearest wall, her hands traveling up alongside her hips. Clarke realized that Lexa was trying to be the dominant one of the situation, but only because she was angry, and Clarke decided she was going to be the one pleasuring her. Clarke grips Lexa's wrists, and pushes her backwards, immediately gripping her ass with their lips still interlocked together and slams her down on the dining table nearby. The house was already a complete mess, and Clarke couldn't be bothered with the amount of rubbish that was scattered around, and she moved up, immediately letting her hands go up to Lexa's breast, before grabbing the knife that was right there on the side, and rips Lexa's shirt apart, the feeling of dominance overwhelming her. Lexa rips her clothes apart, and proceeds to grip Clarke's shirt, yanking at it for Clarke to get it off.

 

“Then your eyes  


Your eyes  


I can see in your eyes  


Your eyes…”

 

Clarke takes a moment to stare at Lexa, her green eyes having gone dark with hunger and arousal, and Clarke throws her shirt onto the floor, pulling Lexa back up and carrying her across the room towards the couch. Clarke had every intention of fucking her hard, and she pried Lexa’s jeans off, her eyes immediately lands on Lexa’s black soaked panties. Fuck!

 

“You make me wanna die  


I'll never be good enough  


You make me wanna die  


And everything you love will burn up in the light  


And every time I look inside your eyes  


You make me wanna die…”

 

God Lexa was to die for. Her toned and tanned legs were on full view and Clarke was about ready to die there and then. She wasted no time in pulling them off, and now, Lexa was completely naked before her. Her pussy glistened under the living room light, and Clarke licked her lips, her own arousal sipping through to her jeans. If there was a god, this was his creation and the best he has ever done. Lexa erect nipples were all the more inviting, and Clarke raked her nails down her stomach, leaving streak lines in her wake. Kneading Lexa’s flesh of her stomach which expanded and contracted with her fiery touch, Clarke bent over and her tongue went into Lexa’s all too beautiful navel. Lexa’s hands made its way to Clarke’s hair, but Clarke was the one in control and she slapped her hands away, pulling up to growl at her. Taking her own bra off, Clarke uses it and ties Lexa’s hands above her head and to the nightstand beside the couch.

 

“Taste me drink my soul  


Show me all the things that I shouldn't know  


When there's a blue moon on the rise

 

I had everything  


Opportunities for eternity  


And I could belong to the night…”

 

Lexa whines, wanting to be touched more than ever, and Clarke slaps her stomach, prompting her to be quiet. Clarke moves back down again, biting and sucking on Lexa’s hot skin, leaving none of her skin untouched as she roamed over Lexa’s body. Dipping two of her fingers into Lexa’s entrance unexpectedly, Lexa arches her back and gasps, moans flooding afterwards as Clarke sucked down hard on Lexa’s nipple. This was the unthinkable. Clarke would have never thought of fucking Lexa hard, and never had she ever thought of her dominating over Lexa unceremoniously, making Clarke savor every burning moment into the back of her mind. Clarke sped up her ministrations, the tanned skin beauty below squirmed and moaned with every thrust that went in.

 

“Then your eyes  


Your eyes  


I can see in your eyes  


Your eyes  


Everything in your eyes  


Your eyes…”

 

And green met blue. Clarke’s breath was taken away by the sight of Lexa, her mouth opened wide, her screams filling the room, her eyes boring straight into Clarke’s as her orgasm reached its peak. It didn’t take much for Lexa to come undone, her juices coating all of Clarke’s hand, as she whimpered and wiggled around, for Clarke hadn’t stopped. Clarke was pretty sure the entire New York heard Lexa screaming her name in pure bliss and ecstasy as Lexa walls had clamped down hard when her waves of orgasms came in. Lexa panted so hard, Clarke thought she might pass out from a lack of oxygen. Clarke was in over her head. She knew there would be repercussions from this, and no doubt things will get worse. But she didn’t care. In this moment in time, she would relish everything and deal with it later. Lexa then manages to get herself free, and she immediately rolls them of the couch and onto the floor, lips crashing together like the storm of the seas.

 

“You make me wanna die  


I'll never be good enough  


You make me wanna die  


And everything you love will burn up in the light  


And every time I look inside your eyes  


You make me wanna die…”

 

Lexa unbuttoned Clarke’s jeans as their lips and tongues fought against each other in a battle for dominance again, but this time, Lexa wasn’t letting go. Not realizing that the two of them had rolled under the coffee table, Lexa goes to sit up, only for her to bang the back of her head and she grits her teeth out in anger, using all her strength to push it up and letting it crash down beside them, the glass of water goes crashing to the ground, and the pieces of glass go scattering around. Lexa desperately yanks Clarke’s jeans and panties away in one go, and smirks in achievement that her goal was right before her eyes. Lexa was a primal beast, diving in for the kill as her tongue took one lap up against Clarke’s already dripping opening. Clarke moans out loud, cursing as her clit went rampant and wild by Lexa’s hot tongue that was all so experienced. Clarke had to clench her nails deep into Lexa’s shoulders, eliciting a cry from Lexa, but she ignored the pain and drove her tongue into Clarke’s pulsing and wet slick walls. Lexa had wasted no time, adrenaline kicking into overdrive as she circled her tongue around Clarke's pulsing clit, driving her up so fast, Clarke had a hard time being able to catch up with her reaching orgasm. In a sudden turn of events, Clarke screams out profanities like glorious Statue of Liberty, as Lexa drove three fingers in and curled around the insides of her slick hot walls.

 

Clarke practically died right. God how Lexa made her want to die over and over again. Trying to catch her breath from her just exploding high, three knocks came at the door and Lexa looked up with hooded eyes. Clarke’s juices still coated her mouthed, and no doubt the words that came after was what had Lexa scrambling towards the front door. Naked.

 

“Police! Open up!”

 

Lexa pried the door open, only her head sticking out from behind the door, and Clarke, still sprawled on the floor, somehow managed to get the remote for the radio and switch it off, and the two-male policemen looked at Lexa with questioning eyes.

 

“Is everything ok in there maam? We received a call from one of the neighbors, stating that they heard things smashing, screams and very loud music coming from here.” The blonde officer looked behind and back at Lexa.

 

“Uh my apologies officers. My wife and I were having disagreements on placing the dining table in the living room, so we had a little accident and yeah. It won’t happen again.” Lexa smiled, hoping that her post sex hair was enough of an excuse to not have them question further more.

 

“Alright maam. You have a good night.” Both men bowed their heads before taking off down the hallway towards the stairs, and Lexa shuts the door immediately before turning around to look at Clarke who was on the floor staring back at her.

 

“Seriously? A disagreement of the dining table?” Clarke eyes Lexa skeptically.

 

“Shut up. This is your fault my apartment is trashed.” Lexa glares at her as she walks over to the nearby drawer, taking the Chinese takeout in her hands and walking over to Clarke, sitting down naked in front of her without a care in the world.

 

“Soooo… are we going to talk about what just happened… or no?” Clarke asks hesitantly, her eyes never leaving Lexa.

“Not tonight. Just… not tonight…” Lexa whispered back before digging into her meal.

 

Lexa knew she was in the wrong. She hasn’t forgiven her, yet her desires got the best of her and she went primal with them. She was going to suffer the rebounds of her deeds, and definitely she was going to have one long argument when it comes to tomorrow. She had to make a choice. To accept her ever growing affection for Clarke, or make it clear to never ever speak to her again. Let alone look at her. Then comes the question of forgiveness. Should she? Some part of it was still Clarke’s fault. But she was going to be married to her. Maybe Clarke was somewhat right. They could be civil in a way. Clarke still had the long road to redemption, but if she wasn’t going to open up to her, then Clarke won’t be able to redeem herself.

 

Tomorrow. Tomorrow they would talk. And clear things once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. So before you jump the gun and kill me for Lexa jumping the gun, trust me she made a very big mistake. And she will definitely have to clear things with Clarke next chapter and arguments will spew, heads will blow, and Clarke will make a bold move, something in which would make Lexa her guiding light and help her on the road to redemption definitely. It's about time I set them on the right path ;) hope you guys like it :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe words of a wise friend might just help.

“You fucked up Clarke. How can you still be such a dick about it? Are you literally a fucking turd?” Raven scolds, her leg brace being put on by Anya.

 

“Your siding with her? What happen to siding your Best Friend?” Clarke was hysterical.

 

“Don't start that shit with me Clarke. I'm fucking tired of your shit. You for one, are lucky Anya here hasn't busted your fucking balls yet if you had one. How tucking blind can you be? It's a big difference between you doing things for her than owning up to the shit you put her through. I told you from the very fucking beginning, Finn was a dick and an asshole that you could have avoided if you grew some balls to talk to Mama G about it. Sure you waited for him to make you fucking barren, but still, all that shit could have been avoided. You think Jake wouldn't have survived alone without a business partner?” Raven argues back, before Anya places her hand on her leg to calm her down.

 

“She's right Clarke. Sure, my brothers dick head friends picked on me, on Raven, but because we stood up and didn't let them get the better of us we survived. But your excuse isn't inexcusable. You had a choice. Just because Finn threatened you with a knife to your throat, you could have told Jake and Abby about it. I'm still surprised your fucking brain right now is still in your ass.”

 

Clarke huffed out loud in defeat. Not only did Raven get angry at her, so did Octavia. She just couldn't see reason as to why they couldn't understand her position.

 

“Then what is it that I have to do? Clearly you guys think I'm doing something wrong! So, tell me what the fuck am I supposed to do!”

 

“You know what your supposed to do Clarke. You hurt her. Own up to Lexa on what you did, and see where the road goes. I know my best friend. She doesn't like gifts or things done for her when she can do it herself. You know that. What she wants from you is for you to take responsibility and own up to your fucked-up shit and I'm giving you a heads up. Start by talking to mother of your beloved fiancé and your own mother.” Anya snapped before leaving to the kitchen.

 

“Go Clarke. Until you settle your shit, only then will we think about letting you back here.  It pains me to know you would hit someone like that, especially Lexa. Damn the girl helped me out even with her shit. She took care of me and O. My leg was fucked, and despite her broken bones, she carried me around when I was hurting. I owe that much to her. So, leave.”

 

Clarke sighed, on the brink off tears as she walked away, sparing one last glance at her friends who didn't even look back at her before she left the apartment, closing the door behind her quietly. Things had been great before her mom showed up. Her friends had her back, her mom never disturb her, but now, everything seems to be falling apart. After her sex craze with Lexa two nights ago, they were supposed to talk it out, yet, Lexa avoided her completely, getting to work on fixing her kitchen. Wick had come over as Clarke requested, and she left him to work with Lexa, who appreciated the help, but had asked to pay despite being in Clarke's name. Clarke slumped down on the floor by the stairs, letting the tears fall. Why couldn't she have been brave like Lexa all those years ago? Why couldn't she have told her parents about Finn putting a knife to her throat to her throat to silence her so as to not fuck up his parents work with her dad? She pushed everyone away when her dad passed, yet her friends had stood by a dick of a Monster who was a selfish coward who couldn't get her life straightened out. She lost her driving force in life, drinking and being a woman who got what she wanted when she wanted.

 

But that's not what she was. Wasn't it? Clarke questioned herself and her life. She used to be the selfless, caring and strong headed person her dad had always told her she was, but after those years, she indeed believed that she had changed. Not for the better but for the worse. She kept using an excuse to her own mother to get her cash to start a gallery that will never happen. She had lost her inspiration to draw and paint the day her father died. And yet, lie after lie, telling people that she had her artwork out for her to show the world was nothing but a blank piece of paper. She was nothing by a waste of space in this world. Clarke picked herself up and left the building, heading to the place she knew would be her place to think and relax. Four blocks down, Clarke stumbles into the bar that she would visit all the time, and when she sees the familiar face, she smiles.

 

“I'll be damned! You're still alive Clarke. I thought you died the night I sent you home.”

 

“Jesus Wells. Takes more than that to kill me. But yeah. Shits of life and here I am again. How's your dad?”

 

Wells Jaha, her closest friend who was extremely neutral in terms of taking sides, never taking them to begin with, and the only person who understood her from the very beginning. He was like a brother to her, and her shoulder to cry on friend.

 

“I bet. He’s good as always. Heard you got yourself a fiancé! She pretty?” Wells wiggles his eyebrows before pouring Clarke a glass of wine.

 

“You wouldn't believe it if I told you who she is.” Clarke smiles.

 

“Wing it.”

 

“Alexandria Woods.”

 

“Holy shit! You mean your first kiss crush? Seriously?” Wells stops his work and looks at Clarke incredulously.

 

“Yup. And life kinda sucks right now. And I really don't know what to do Wells. I feel lost. Like I just can't think straight.”

 

“Come on Clarke. Talk to me. What's going on?”

 

So, Clarke sat there for the next two hours, talking and explaining everything that had happened. How Lexa was still avoiding her, how her friends had turned on her, how everything was messed up and that she felt helpless and lost on what to do. Wells, on the other hand stood there and never said a word, he listened to everything Clarke said and eventually, when she ended, he laughed.

 

“What's so funny?” Clarke asks with a huff.

 

“I'm not taking sides here Clarke. This is my opinion okay? From what I see, and as your close and long-time friend, your trying to hard to earn Lexa's forgiveness. You see, things like this aren't easy to let go. She's hurt. Not to mention the fact that you have seen the cuts on her wrists, she's a broken soul inside Clarke. She's not going to forgive you for trying. She's going to forgive you when you do stop trying.” Wells smiles.

 

“I don't get you…” Clarke was baffled.

 

“Come on Clarke. If I was the one who hurt you, would you forgive me for being pushy and pressing to get your forgiveness? Me stepping into your space just like that and trying hard by doing things for you to earn your forgiveness?” Wells mused.

 

“No. I would never forgive you still for trying too hard.”

 

“Ah! So, you do get my reasoning. Listen Clarke, as mentioned, this is not an overnight deal. You're going to marry her and she deserves someone who can love her. The Clarke I know, gives people unconditional love without them having to ask you for it. You have a heart of gold Clarke. That's the girl I grew up with. Sure, things happened, Finn happened and you made mistakes. We are only human. But the Clarke standing in front of me, is just running away from problems and drinking to avoid them. Yeah, it's fun having you party all the time here, it's good business for me. But that's not solving problems Clarke. Its making bigger ones. And Lexa, I know, perhaps, still loves you deep in her heart. She's just guarding herself in fear of being hurt again and again. She would have kicked you out screaming if she didn't have a heart for you Clarke. You two were so close back then, hell, when I saw you two kissing by the big old Oak Tree, spying from my room next door, I thought you two were it. Like soulmates forever. Stop trying Clarke. And start living. I know you haven't drawn in years, but I think it's time you return to the wall and finish what you started.”

 

Clarke looks at Wells and finally realizes that this time, she couldn't hide anymore. Wells was right. She had been trying to hard that she lost herself in the process. She made bad choices from the start. But now, now she understood what it means to grow up. To stop running and stop making excuses. Wells had set her straight.

 

“Tell you what Clarke, since Lexa will take a couple of days to get her kitchen fixed, why don't you stay with me during those few days, maybe perhaps clear your mind and go back to the wall to finish what you started. Think things through. You know my words are true Clarke. And Lexa could be your future, your happiness again. Maybe perhaps if she's willing, both of you can start a family together. It's not impossible. It's just that you have to start seeing reason to things and not forsake them for the shits of life. Stop trying Clarke. Let it work its own cause. But you have to accept it in your heart and be the person you once were. Raven and the rest are dicks for taking sides even though I get that they are friends with Lexa too, I know, but for now, your main goal is to love and give Lexa the happiness she deserves if you two are to marry. You’re given a second chance. Don’t waste it because of your stupidity.”

 

“Thanks Wells. I really appreciate it.”

 

“You’re my friend Clarke. I want to see you happy too.”

 

Clarke gives a small smile before making her way out of the bar home. She allowed Wells words to settle into her mind, finally understanding what it truly means to have someone’s forgiveness. It wasn’t by doing things for others to make up for what has been done years ago, it’s the point of providing the comfort and the love selflessly. To put others before herself and to stop being the selfish smug you are. Clarke knew then, she had a lot of explanations to give to not only Lexa, but Indra and Abby. But first, she needed to give Lexa the space she needs, and when the time was right, only then will they talk.

 

So for now, she made her way over to her mother’s place.

* * *

 

 “So how can I help you Clarke? Your mother went out for a quick food run. Apparently, she plans to make me suffer by watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy.” Indra brought a cup of tea over for Clarke, before seating down on the couch in front of Clarke.

 

“I came here as a matter of fact, to apologize. And when I’m done explaining, I think it’s best if you call of the contract and the proposal.” Clarke says with determination in her voice.

 

“And why would I do that?” Indra perks up and eyebrow at her.

 

Clarke eyes immediately dart to the ground. Indra will kill her no doubt. And she braced herself for it. Indra would destroy completely for this, and she was going to answer for her actions. With a deep sigh, Clarke faces Indra and speaks.

 

“In high school, I had a fair share in Lexa being bullied. I did hit her a couple of times with Finn and the gang, and, I understand that what I did was inexcusable and unacceptable. Lexa deserves someone who can care for her and love her. Not a monster who hit her and destroyed her. I admit my mistakes to you Indra, and I am sorry for what I have done to your daughter. And I understand completely that if you would want to get me as far away from Lexa as possible, I would gladly accept and walk away without a question asked. I won’t take any money from my mother and the money from dad can be used for my mom on her own ventures and things she would like to do. I am sorry for everything.” Clarke turns her head back down to the ground, waiting for the yelling and the slap to come.

 

Yet, it never did.

 

“I know what you did Clarke Griffin. I’m not that stupid or blind to have not seen it. I was only waiting all these years to see how long it would take for you to finally admit it.” Indra smiles and Clarke whips her head up in surprise.

 

“Whaaat?? You knew?”

 

“Clarke, any blind idiot could have seen it. I saw it at the Oak Tree. The way the two of you looked each other in the eye. Kids can never lie. And even though you made mistakes Clarke, that doesn’t mean it makes you who you are. Your mother saw the same thing too. And I know what Finn did to you Clarke. And I am sorry it happened to you. As much as I can hate you for what you did Clarke… that wasn’t you. The Clarke Griffin I saw since the day you were born was the cutest and kindest soul the world ever got. You just lost your way, just like my Lexa did. Only thing is, she’s suffering on the inside, and no matter how much I try, she only locks herself away further. I came up with this idea to get the two of you together, because for one, I believed that you would be able to love her, and for her to be able to love you back. The night of the accident… was the night I lost her. The look in her eyes, was so dead. An empty shell of a person left.” Indra explained, leaning backwards into the couch.

 

“May I ask what happened?”

 

“Lexa was with someone back then. Kind and caring soul. Apparently, they went out one night to the bridge for a viewing or something like that. Snowing out like now, and a school bus skidded on the icy road, smashing into Lexa’s car and sent them all down into the freezing water below. The driver died, her fiancé died, but she saved all the kids in the bus. By the time I got to the hospital, they claimed she was suffering from severe hypothermia and they believed she wouldn’t make it. But she did. And so, she lived and she is the woman you see now today.”

 

Clarke nodded her head in understanding. Although, she believed that there was more to the story, but only Lexa would be able to tell that for it was her own secret.

 

“So you don’t want to burn me alive?”

 

“Back in the days, yes. I had every intention of having your mother skin you alive right before my eyes for hurting my little girl. But as time went on, and with that son of a bitch behind bars, well, it’s only fair that I could say you got what you deserve. Although Finn was released a few years back, he better learn his punishment. Karma is a bitch. But what I also do know, is that you didn’t deserve what happened to you, how I had to watch my best friend cry and cry that her daughter was made barren by a bastard, and therefore, I have no ill feelings towards you Clarke. But know this, if you ever hurt her again, or even lay a hand on her wrongly, I will make sure to end your miserable life. You got it?”

 

“I understand.” Clarke gulps down hard, nodding in understanding.

 

“I will speak to Lexa about this. Not because of you wanting her forgiveness, but because you two are going to marry each other, she needs to let you in as well. And I will talk to your mother as well. Have the two of you spoken to each other from the time you moved in?”

 

“No. She ummmm… didn’t let me in and I was trying to hard I guess. I’ll be staying with a friend for a few days, gives her space to think and also for me to get my shit together. And, I have a project to finish as well. Once she’s ready for opening, then, I’ll come back and work the front again and stay with her.”

 

Indra nods her head. “Thank you, Clarke. For owning up.”

 

“No. Thank you all for helping me realize my mistakes. It’s time I stop running.”

 

With that, Clarke left for home.

* * *

 

 Lexa was seated on the couch, staring at the fireplace as usual when Clarke came home. Clarke was being silent, not wanting to disturb the current bubble Lexa was currently in. Clarke felt this eerie feeling pass through her as she watched the brunette’s head stare straight ahead, as if it was a battle of wits on going between herself and the fireplace. Clarke crept forward silently, only to stop dead in her tracks when she saw the bloodied knife in her hand. Oh no… Clarke thought. The scars and lines on Lexa's wrist when the had angry sex the other time had proven her point right. Lexa was depressed. The accident must've taken a toll badly on her if she had been doing this more often times than not. Clarke wanted to talk to her, to let her know that she didn't need to forgive her if she didn't want to and that she would stay out of her way. But seeing Lexa as such, she thought otherwise. Maybe a few days away would give Lexa the space she needs.

 

So Clarke doubles back towards the front door, and opens it quietly, pretending to have just returned home. She jingles the keys and places them by the door, making as much noise as possible to give Lexa the time and need to gather herself before having to see Clarke. True enough, Clarke heard scuffling in the living room and then she saw Lexa standing in the kitchen, pretending to be looking at the cook book before her.

 

“Hey…” Clarke says softly, entering the kitchen cautiously.

 

“Hey. You're home early?”

 

“Yeah well… I met Raven and all at their apartment and stuff. Then went to the bar to meet another friend which I wanted to talk to you about.” Lexa's tired and sore eyes looks up at Clarke, and she knew straight off Lexa had been crying.

 

“What do you need?” Lexa asks, her tone betraying her.

 

“Ummmm… I know the kitchen won't be fixed until Monday, seeing Wick needs parts and all, and I was thinking maybe I could stay over at my friend’s place for a couple of days. I promise I'll be back the night before you open. I have something that I need to complete first and I promise to come back.” Clarke says softly, afraid that if she used a different tone, Lexa might break down there and then.

 

“Yeah… okay. Just be… safe.” Lexa says before turning to back face Clarke.

 

“Lexa… if you need someone to talk too, I'm here for you. If you want me to just stay dead or listen, I'm willing to do so. If you want to…” Clarke debates internally if she should walk over and stand close to Lexa, or stand where she was.

 

“It’s okay. I can hold down the fort while you’re gone. I think we both need some space apart.” Lexa says, controlling the tears at bay.

 

“Tell you what, in two days’ time, meet me at this address, and it’s your choice if you want to come or not. I will be waiting there at 2pm, and it’s okay if you don’t show up. I completely understand. But I would appreciate it if you did. I’m sorry about the other night though. The furniture and such.” Clarke rubs her neck, clearly now wasn’t a good time or mood.

 

“I’m sorry too. I wasn’t thinking straight.” Lexa counters back, her tears flowing freely now.

 

“It’s not your fault.” Clarke says quickly before turning away.

 

“So I’ll see you in two days’ time. If not, in a couple of days the night before you open shop again. I’ll take my leave.”

 

“Ok.”

 

And Clarke moved out of the kitchen. She knew better than to talk to Lexa any further if she was as such. It pained Clarke that Lexa was avoiding not just her, but the world, and this was really not the girl she knew when they were only kids. Clarke prayed and hoped the Lexa would meet her at the address, seeing that she could finish the job she started years ago within a day or two, and it would be the perfect place for them to talk about everything. Lexa was her priority now, just like Wells had said. If Lexa was going to heal, then she had to be the one being her pillar of strength. And if she could ease Lexa’s heart, it would be a start for her to help Lexa heal herself. She was afraid of leaving Lexa alone, that if something happened, no one would be there for her. Despite Lexa being alone before, seeing her cut her wrists like that made her worry. She cared for Lexa, but if the woman was an emotional mess, it would be difficult to get close to.

 

Packing her bags, Clarke slips away from her bedroom to make sure Lexa wasn’t cutting again, she saw Lexa in the same position that she was in from when she left her. Only this time she could see the sobs that wrecked her body, and Clarke didn’t dare approach her. Being emotional could cause Lexa to go crazy again and she didn’t want that. Clarke finishes packing and makes her way back to the kitchen, Lexa was washing her face and wiping her eyes before Clarke spoke.

 

“I’m going.”

 

“Okay… take care.”

 

“I’ll see you soon okay?”

 

“Yeah… I’ll see you soon.”

 

And Clarke left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So yes I know some of you would want Clarke to own up to her shit and all, and I have decided to head in this direction as a start for Clarke to finally realise what it means to take responsibility. No things aren't going to be better overnight, but this is just a stepping stone for her to the road of redemption. It won't be easy for we still have Lexa's personal demons and issues that make it impossibly hard for Clarke to redeem herself, but soon, oh so sweetly soon, shits going to happen, and it will prove that either Clarke is worthy of Lexa... or... that Clarke can never really change :) hope you guys liked it and let me know in the comments what you guys would like to see ;)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Help is needed when help isn't wanted.

The ceiling was her best friend now. Even in the darkness, her eyes adjusted well to the blackness of the ceiling. She felt numb. Her heart was only beating because she made a promise to fall in love again. She was conflicted more than ever now. Her heart ached yet her body felt numb. Her eyes burned, yet tears never fell. She laid in bed, unmoving. She felt hopeless and despair. She felt the need to just slip away into a dreamless sleep and never wake up again. Lexa wanted to die. It was her fault that Costia died, it was her fault Costia’s family hate her for

Making their daughter die faster than she should have. Lexa was to blame. It was her fault. Her life was a fault. She had wanted to die so much earlier, until Clarke showed up in her life. Clarke had brought back feelings she felt before into her heart, and she was constantly battling her emotions because of her.

 

She hated her, wanted to burn her alive, yet now laying in bed, she felt her heart ache beyond anything else. Perhaps the feeling of loneliness and despair had driven her to the brink of insanity to feel the pain of the blonde taking off for a few days. She couldn't control her feelings around Clarke and she wanted to know why. Why couldn't she be angry at her? Why couldn't she be strong enough to suppress her needs, her feelings, her thoughts of the girl she first loved? Why was life trying to kill her so much? Hasn't it given her enough pain to last a lifetime? What made it worse was the fact that she felt jealousy and pain for Clarke was staying with a friend. For all she knew, Clarke was fucking with someone by now. It was funny really. Lexa noticed the change in Clarke's tone, how she conducted herself around her, and the pushy person who didn't give a shit about life, had suddenly changed. The way her eyes were full of concern when they were in the kitchen together, how her blue eyes wanted to break down her walls that she had built up high over the years. Clarke had a way of making her feel safe, feel warm, and she wondered why someone like her would even want to be married to her.

 

Lexa wanted to disappear from the world. It would be better for everyone. She was a mess. And she deserves life as it is. As she continued staring, she muffled voices coming from her living room, and that had her up on her feet in a matter of seconds. She wasn't expecting anyone and no doubt was she going to take risks on someone breaking into her home at this time of the evening. Quietly withdrawing a letter opener from her table top, Lexa opens the door as quietly as possible, before leaving the room. To her annoyance however, she found her mother and Abby in the living room, and she immediately threw the letter opener into the room before making her way over.

 

“What are you doing here mother? And how did you get in?” Lexa asks with a slight tinge of anger, before Indra sighs and looks at her daughter.

 

“We thought to come over. But seeing that Clarke has taken off for a couple of days, we came to check up on you and see how you were doing. And now that I have a key, you have no choice but to allow me in.” Lexa rolled her eyes and went over to the fireplace to start the fire, seeing that her Mother wasn't leaving anytime soon.

 

“Care for some dinner Lexa?” Abby asks politely and Lexa all but nods.

 

“How's the kitchen?” Indra asks, and Lexa sighs before sitting down in the small chair nearby.

 

“It's being fixed. Should be back to business by the end of the week.” Lexa was clearly uninterested in small talk with her mother to be honest.

 

“Clarke came by today. She seemed different. A good different. Did you two have a fight that resulted in her saying some things that got my attention as well. How are you doing honestly?” Abby looked over her shoulders, knowing her conversation with Indra that afternoon had her saying some disturbing things about Lexa.

 

“That's her problem. Not mine.”

 

“It is my problem if my own daughter is cutting herself. And don't you dare lie to me about it Lexa. Have you been cutting yourself?”

 

Lexa felt her heart stop immediately. No way had Clarke known about her cut wrists. Oh no… Clarke had seen her wrists when they had sex. Lexa immediately began to panic. No… they were going to send her away. They were going to make her leave her apartment to see someone. She couldn't. She was fine. She didn't need help. She was perfectly fine. Lexa's mind started racing. She couldn't let her mother see it.

 

“Clarke saw nothing. Perhaps you should ask her again if she is the one cutting herself.” Lexa knew her answer wasn't convincing enough.

 

“Then perhaps showing me your wrists wouldn't be a problem then?” Lexa immediately stands up.

 

“I think you should go mother. And let me make myself clear. I don't need help, I don't need anything at all from anyone. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. And as for Clarke, I don't know what she wants, but if she thinks this is a game, then too bad. I'm not budging anytime soon.” Lexa turned to walk away, only for Abby to jump in.

 

“Clarke came by to confess to your mother on what she did to you Lexa.” That had Lexa stopping in her tracks. “She told Indra everything Lexa. My daughter cares for you that she was willing to own up to her mistakes. Yes… what she did was not something that I am fond off or happy about. But she's trying to be better. And if she mentioned it to your mother, means she does have a heart and care for you. But you on the other hand Lexa, you need to care for yourself. This lifestyle that your living is unhealthy for you.” Abby tried to reason with her.

 

“You know, my life was just fine before you two showed up. I was fine dealing with things on my own. But you people have only given me more problems and headaches. So please just go and don't come back. I've already agreed to your terms and just leave it at that. And I swear upon my life I will change the locks on the doors. Just go and don’t come back unless necessary. I will deal with Clarke on my own.” Lexa states firmly, and disappears back into her bedroom.

 

She locked the door and flopped back down onto her bed, letting the tears fall. She couldn’t blame Clarke for seeing the wounds on her wrist. Hell, she would have caught her already cutting herself but Clarke being Clarke, didn’t push her boundaries and left her be. Maybe that was the reason why she left for a couple of days. Or perhaps it was something else entirely. She didn’t know for sure. Lexa wanted to feel angry at her for telling her mother. But she knew she had it coming and she couldn’t blame Clarke for that. But what sparked her curiosity was the fact that Clarke had gone to visit her mother to confess the things she has done, and Lexa wanted to know why. Maybe perhaps Clarke wanting her to meet at the specific location she had written down on a piece of paper earlier had something to do with it? Lexa didn’t know. What made Clarke have a sudden change of heart? Why couldn't she ignore Clarke the way she does with her friends, her mother, whom have been trying to push through to her for so long, but never seem to understand that she wanted to be alone? What has Clarke done to her heart now that made her feel weak around her? So many questions and Lexa was getting frustrated. She wanted to ignore it all completely. But curiosity got the best of her, and she was going to meet Clarke.

 

Yes, she was going to meet Clarke Griffin.

* * *

 

 “You can’t force a horse to drink water Indra. Lexa is in denial. She’s too far gone in her own bubble that no one can help her unless she helps herself first. I know you are worried for her, so am I. The fact that she got defensive in that instant, it’s safe to say she’s depressed and she’s not going to get help anytime soon.”

 

Abby sighs as she sits down on the couch next to Indra.

 

“I know… but I don’t want to have to walk into her room one day and find my daughter’s lifeless body on the ground from her cutting herself too deep. I just don’t know what to do anymore Abby. I can’t watch my daughter go down a destructive path to an early grave because of the things she keeps bottled up inside of her.” Indra wipes her tears away, leaning into her best friend’s shoulder.

 

“I know. But there’s nothing we can do. Until the day Lexa asks for help, there is nothing else we can do. Our only hope left is Clarke. And if Clarke can’t get through to her, then… Lexa is gone forever…”

 

Abby didn’t like telling the inevitable to Indra. She had watched her best friend suffer for far too long because Lexa wouldn’t give in, wouldn’t seek help from others and only pushes people away because of the depressive state she had dug herself into. That’s what people with depression do. They think their fine, but they aren’t and they push away anyone who cares about them because they believe that they don’t deserve the love or the help given. She knew Indra was hurting and feeling helpless, but this was the final straw. Nothing could be done to help Lexa.

 

“Maybe we should stop coming Abs. She’s not letting me in and I’m afraid that by us being here, she would do things that could harm herself even more.”

 

“Like I said Indra, if Clarke can get Lexa to help herself, then it’s a start. But if all else fails… we have to let her go. You have to let Lexa go… I know you don’t want too… but that’s a last resort. And I will pull Clarke out of this whole deal so she won’t have to suffer the heartbreak and brunt of Lexa’s choices.” Abby sighs, her heart-breaking inch by inch.

 

“I just hope she sees the light again Abby. Because my light for her is dwindling…”

* * *

 

 Clarke brings the cup of hot coffee to her lips as she stares up at the wall before her. She smiles as at it, clearly happy with herself at the current achievement of her work. She spent all morning working on it in the winter cold, and the passers-by had stopped to express their amazement at the painting on the wall that she had started years ago and was now close to finishing. She had an early night the day before, after receiving a text from her mother, on Lexa’s current state, and it broke her heart. She thought that maybe Lexa would at least open up to Indra or Abby, but that ship had sailed. She cringed at the thought of her future wife sitting in the dark room all alone, crying and suffering, and she knew part of it was from her and the others years ago back in high school. The psychological things they had put her through, it would have built up over the years, and with the accident she was in with her ex-fiancé, Clarke understood how much pain it caused Lexa. Abby had mentioned to her through text that nothing had gone through to Lexa and Clarke couldn't understand why.

 

Lexa was a woman of mystery. The shy girl who was full of giggles and smiles when they played together in their younger days had become a shell of a person she once knew. Sure, Lexa pushed Clarke away because of their history. And she couldn't blame her for that. But what she wanted to know, was why Lexa had pushed everyone away, because of the accident. Even in her own state of mind, if her lover died in a car crash, she would have been heartbroken yes. She would have taken time to move on yes. But to the extent of harming oneself, that Clarke couldn't understand. Clarke had googled about depression online, and the results that came out lead Clarke to believe that Lexa was suffering from Bipolar Depression. The angry outbursts of sex before Lexa settles down to eat, her mood swing having changed within a short period of time. She didn't see much else, but it was a theory she had in the back of her head. Perhaps when Lexa does show up tomorrow, she could talk to her about it. But first, she needed to explain her actions and also help Lexa to understand her current reasoning and hopefully be able to move on from there.

 

“I'll be damned. You're almost done. Think she'll like it?” Wells walks over to Clarke, carrying an extra bucket of green paint and a ladder with him.

 

“I know she will. I'm surprised myself I remember it so well just as if it happened yesterday. What took you so long with the paint anyway?” Clarke walks over to help him.

 

“Jesus Clarke. It's snowing and traffic in New York City is a bitch when it snows. Plus, I had to check up on my dad at the bar, just to make sure he doesn't burn it down while I'm gone. You know how he gets when he starts his olden days yapping to the customers. He never gets tired of telling his stories.” Wells complains before taking a sear beside Clarke.

 

“Yet you tell me time after time how cool his stories are you dufus.” Clarke laughs, making Wells roll his eyes.

 

“Alright. Alright. You caught me. So, did your mom and Indra stop by the see Lexa? How did that go?”

 

“Bad. Nothing new there. My mom suspects she's suffering from Bipolar Depression and that was my theory as well. Self harm, and then the outburst from time to time. Then retreating to herself and just shutting off from the world. She looked so hurt Wells. God, watching her cut herself, I mean fuck I wanted to stop her ya know? But with us both being in the shits of our current predicament, I’m afraid if I out her for it, then there’s no way I can get through to her.”

 

“Relax Clarke. Dealing with someone who is suffering from depression ain’t easy. I get it. Which is why, you have to make it a point to her that you aren’t pushing her buttons, but that you would be waiting on the side-lines whenever she’s ready to come out of her shell and ask for help. I feel like I let so many people down Wells.” Clarke sighs.

 

“Hey come on. Your dad would murder you alive if he caught you talking crap like this. He always knew you were good. Besides, just because Mama G and Mama Woods can't get through to her, doesn't mean she won't open herself up to you.”

 

“She hates me Wells! I think I should just run away. I can’t face her… No way in hell I can.” Clarke gets ready to leave, only to receive a smack across the head by Wells.

 

“Calm your tits down. You will be fine. She would be all dolled up in her winter clothes, looking cute and beautiful as ever and then you are going to bring her to this magnificent painting, tell her everything from A to Z, and no doubt kiss her on the lips like this…” Wells puckers up his lips, taking Clarke’s newly bought sketchbook and smooching the covers like he depended on it, making Clarke laugh.

 

“Your fucking gross. I don’t kiss like that. Cut me some slack here will ya?” Wells grins and he continues to make fun of Clarke over and over again.

 

After a while, Clarke gets back up on the ladder, bringing the green paint with her and she begins her work on the painting at hand. She smiled at the thought of how this was the day she always remembered as the happiest day of her life. Their last day being happy together. As a whole family. Clarke let her mind wonder along with the strokes, putting every touch being fuelled by her beating heart and the emotions that raged around her heart, wanting to give it the best and also the details to her finishing touches of her painting. Clarke stopped to look at the fresh paint that she had added to her painting on the wall, and her thoughts immediately ran back to the day it happened.

 

_“Lexaaaaa… you promised to push me on the swing.” Clarke comes running over to Lexa, who was seated on the grass, a book in hand, her favourites._

_“You promised to let me finish my book Clarke. It’s Nancy Drew and you promised to not disturb me when I’m reading Nancy Drew.” Lexa pouts, her glasses being pushed up so that she had a better look at Clarke who was on the verge of crying._

_“Please? I promise I won’t disturb you ever again.” Clarke pouts, her fingers playing with the ribbon tied around her waist that was attached to her dress._

_“Okay… only because you love me so. And I love you too.”_

_Clarke cheers before running towards the swing, Lexa smiles giddily and places her book down on the ground and runs after Clarke. Clarke was all the more giggling away, taunting Lexa to hurry up and chase her, and Lexa laughs, wanting to catch up to her best friend. Abby and Indra were sitting on the patio with Gustus and Jake, both men being childish as they arm wrestled away, making Abby scream at Jake as her husband was recovering his wrists from him hurting himself while trying to hammer a picture up. Clarke tries to hide in the bushes, not wanting Lexa to find her. But Lexa was still smart enough for her, and she crawls through the bushes behind Clarke’s hiding spot, before grinning and jumping onto Clarke from behind, causing the two girls to fall to the ground laughing in fits of giggles. Clarke then rolls over onto Lexa and lays her full weight down on her._

_“Your heavy Clarke.” Lexa giggles, adjusting her glasses._

_“Come on Lexa. Mom said that we would grow heavier one day, and when we get married, she said it would be you who was going to lay on me and you are going to be heavier.” Clarke teases with her tongue out, and Lexa pouts._

_“No! I want to be the one below. Because I want cuddles from you. And we can snuggle like we always do when you come over to my place and watch the stars.” Lexa whines, and Clarke giggles._

_“Okay! But you have to let me braid your hair first. Ooooh and we got to have lots and lots of lollipops.” Clarke grins widely, and Lexa smiles._

_“Yeah. We can have a whole house filled with lollipops. And mom and dad won’t be there to scold us for it.” Lexa smirks, and Clarke kisses her lips quickly._

_That’s when the two of them stopped to look at each other in the eye. Lexa was clearly in cloud nine, Clarke having kissed her as if it was normal for them, and how her lips tingled, making her palms sweaty and her body temperature increase. Clarke on the other hand, felt happy. Her best friend allowed her to kiss her and she felt this strange feeling inside. Clarke had been told by her dad that when she kisses someone on the lips, and if she feels strange, that means she was meant to be with the person. That it was called true love. Clarke still wasn’t sure about what love really is, but she felt a good strange with Lexa, and that was enough for her._

_“Are you okay Lexa? You look weird.” Clarke scrunches up her nose, a pout forming as Lexa looked at her from her own cloud nine._

_“I… can we kiss again? It felt… wow.”_

_Clarke giggles and leans back down again to place her lips on Lexa’s and they stayed there in that position, lips unmoving for a very long time. It was a simple but sweet kiss, more like pecks on the lips, and when she heard the sounds of their parents shouting at each other in fun, both girls giggled and they stood up off the ground, and headed to the swing hand in hand._

_“I want to marry you one day Lexa. Can we?”_

_“Sure. We can get married here. We could play with the swing, and we can get married under this big old oak tree. Dad said it would be full of flowers, and pretty lights. Oh, and we could bring our telescope and sit outside after we get married and watch the stars. Would you like that?” Lexa asks, as she pushed Clarke slowly on the swing._

_“But we must promise first.” Clarke jumps off the swing and comes around to Lexa, pulling her by her hands and they took a spot under the big old tree. “We promise now, that we will marry each other, and when we kiss like just now, we promise we love each other. That’s what dad told me when you kiss someone. You love that person.”_

_“Yeah. Papa G is right. Okay. We kiss now, and when were older, we will get married here okay?”_

_“Okay!”_

_Lexa and Clarke then kissed again, not realizing that their parents were watching from the porch, wide smiles on their faces as they watched their daughters fall in love at such a young age, and they knew they were meant to be. They were meant to last a life time together. It was the greatest day of all time, and when they went their separate ways back home, they never knew that everything would fall apart from then. And life just got in the way._

Clarke smiles sadly, knowing that if life hadn’t fucked them over, they would have been together by now. But she wondered, if they were still together, would they have grown to be the people that they are today? Or would they have changed to be different people with different personalities? Would they have lasted like they promised, or would they have fallen apart somewhere along the line despite being together? It was one question Clarke knew she would never get the answer to. But she was hopeful, that one day, Clarke would be Lexa’s source of happiness again.

 

And perhaps be in love and happy again.

* * *

 

 Lexa walks out of her shop, her eyes sparkling as she looks around the busy streets of New York. Snow was coming down in thick blankets, for it was early November, and she knew people were going out on their business, making sure everything was settled before the holiday season kicks in. Lexa knew she had to open her shop on Thanksgiving, as majority of the families had come down to her shop to make special requests on her all too famous Thanksgiving Cupcakes, and she was proud that it was sold out by the end of the day. But she couldn’t worry about that now. For today, in 30 minutes time, she was going to be meeting with Clarke. They hadn’t texted one another at all, and being alone again had made her feel empty. When Clarke was around, she silently enjoyed the feeling of someone being close to her. She may have felt anger and hurt towards her, the wounds reopened as if it happened only yesterday, but she couldn’t help but feel safe.

 

Lexa walked down the street, wanting to have a look at the sights again for the very first time in a long time, and not being the one who rushes down a street to buy groceries and come back home to her cave. A place where she could be who she is. A loser, a weakling, and monster. That was who she was. Walking down the bustling roads, people paid no mind to her presence, and Lexa continued on her way over to her destination. It was at least 14 blocks away, but she had a lot of time to spare and Lexa was a fast walker nonetheless, so it really didn’t bother her. She only wished she had bought some new winter clothes since the one she had was a little old and worn. The scarf around her neck helped slightly, but still wasn’t warming enough. Shoving her gloved hands into her pocket, Lexa walked down the streets, finally taking in the view and the things around her to heart. The shops that lined the streets, the office buildings, the clubs, the food joints. It was all there from the last time she remembered taking a stroll. She just never paid any mind or attention to it. Her head however, started kicking up a fuss, just as she let the light into her dark world.

 

_Love is weakness. Feelings make you weak._

The same voice in her head repeatedly waded its way through her. Having feelings made her weak. Just like she was when Clarke stepped into her life. Past feelings came back, be it love, pain, anger, hurt, happiness. All those emotions that she had blocked out from her world had invaded her heart, and the voice in her head wasn't happy about the new intrusion. Again, the conflicting battles that go on inside her mind had driven her to the edge, seeking out the one thing that helped calm it all down. Her wrists. It was a way of removing those thoughts from her mind, to kill the voices in her head and eventually in her own thoughts, she stumbled into a bustling and colorful street. Pulled out from her thoughts, the sight before her however, leaves her breathless.

 

Clarke was standing there in the middle of the street, just as said. She had a beanie over her head, her thick coat covering her body up, her scarf wrapped up snuggly around her neck and she held a cup of coffee in hand as she fidgeted in her spot, looking around for Lexa if she thought that she would show up. The curiosity sparked again in her own head, wondering why Clarke wanted her to come here, where there so many people and the bright colors that filled her eyes, made her a little excited. Lexa reminded herself that Clarke wanted to talk, and she would allow it before parting ways again. She should perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt. Lexa crosses the busy street, her heart beating faster and faster as she made her way over, and when their eyes met, Lexa felt her heart and lungs stop completely. The nostalgia of the moment reminded her of the very first time the two of them met in the middle of Lexa’s old house that she once lived with her family, and here they were again, as if for the very first time.

 

“I'm glad you came.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Not so much on the action yet :( but I'm working the story up to the shitstorm of it which I will say now, shits going down badly in Chapter 9 that you guys have every right to find me and murder me and perhaps skin me alive. For those of you who know me, I can get pretty evil. But of course rejoice later when I roll in the softer times. :) just bear with me, after Chapter 9, I promise no more shit. And a warning, its going to be very descriptive and graphic. :( read at your own caution. Hope you guys like this chapter. See you soon. :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I still do care even if the world is crumbling.

“I'm glad you came.”

 

“Me too…” Lexa nods her head, her words heavy in her throat.

 

The silence that befalls them made it extremely awkward between the two. Lexa for her part had questions as to why Clarke had a sudden change of heart, and Clarke on the other knew Lexa was dying for answers. She hadn't expected Lexa to show up at all, but she didn't lose hope at the fact that Lexa will eventually show. It was late afternoon, but the sun was blocked by the grey skies, snow blanketing the earth and Clarke motioned for Lexa to follow her down the street. Clarke's eyes were on Lexa from time to time, watching as Lexa took in the view around her, how her green eyes darted around, interest sparkling around. Lexa could lose herself in this street for a very long time. The people that were going around their own business, their artistic works were on walls, in frames and the small shops located along the busy street gave it an artistic touch. The vibrant colors that surrounded her made her heart flutter with joy. She never felt like this in a long time. The excitement, the wonder, the world showing its beauty to her.

 

Lexa had always assumed that everything was just black and white in her eyes ever since her her heart stopped feeling, and now, she felt as if it started beating again. Clarke led her down the busy street, and stopped from time to time, explaining to Lexa about the people that came there and what most artists did there. Lexa listened intently, snuggling up to her thick woolly scarf that doesn't seem to be doing a good job at keeping her neck warm. She was pretty much overdue on shopping for clothes to wear for the winter, seeing that she never felt like going out to socialize or get things besides the usual groceries shopping. She spent the rest of the time cooped up in her apartment, afraid that people might call her a freak, or look at her the wrong way and find her a walking target for bullying. It never really left her system. Even when Costia was still alive, she never admitted to the bullying, afraid that Costia would run away. She had kept a lot of things hidden from Costia, but she wanted to tell her the night they were got engaged. She chickened out. But Costia wasn't dumb. She knew what went on inside her, the raging emotions that finally consumed her whole after the accident, and she dwindled away with each passing day.

 

“How’s the kitchen going? Is it done?”

 

“It’s… done. Should be good for Monday. Just a little bit of cleaning left to do and be done with it.” Lexa replies softly, keeping the conversation simple and light.

 

“Lex?” Clarke stops, before looking over at Lexa who had stopped at the mentioning of her name, wondering what Clarke wanted to say.

 

“What is it Clarke?”

 

Clarke walks over to Lexa, their eyes never leaving each other's, and Clarke soothingly takes Lexa's hand in hers, rubbing it softly despite their gloves. Clarke wanted Lexa to feel comfortable, to let go and be able to just live a little, even if it's for a little while. She wanted to tell Lexa about everything, and to let her understand her thoughts and her actions. She wanted Lexa to feel safe enough around her, so that she won't go running away and leaving Clarke there without being able to tell her all the things she wanted to say. So slowly, she brings Lexa close to her warm body, placing her hands on her chest, before leaving Lexa's hands there, and enveloping her in a hug. Lexa stiffened in her embrace first, not knowing why Clarke had done such a gesture, but she softened up, allowing the feel of another person to give her the comfort she had long forgotten. Clarke realised then, Lexa had let her guard down, and fully embraced the hug, sighing as she knew this hug won't last forever. Clarke then takes it upon herself, and whispers her words into Lexa's ears.

 

“Sometimes its better to feel than not to. And I want you to feel again Lexa. So please, let me talk. Let me show you what I've been feeling.” Clarke smiles at her own words, and the nod that comes after was all that was needed for Clarke to explain her actions.

 

Slowly, pulling away, Clarke knew somewhere deep inside Lexa's proclaimed dead heart, still had that little spark in her that was just waiting to be brought back to life slowly but surely, and Clarke only had to put the pieces back into place. But before she could be the one to do so, she brought Lexa with her down the cold bustling street, never letting go of Lexa’s hand, and she brought Lexa to the one place she had started her life’s work. The one place she had always dreamed of finishing but never did, and now that it was, she wanted to share it with the one person she thought off when she first bought the space to begin with. Stopping across from the wall, Clarke pulls Lexa to a stop, and takes a deep breath, before turning to face the wall, and the silently gasp that fills her ears among all other noise was the noise she wanted to hear the most.

 

Lexa was wide eyed, shock, written all over her face as she stared at the massive painting on the wall. Lexa felt herself give way. The painting was of them. The day the two of them made a promise under the big old oak tree, where her 12-year-old self-had kissed a 10-year-old Clarke, making their little promise of marrying each other one day when they were older. It was the day she let her heart fall in love with Clarke, and had vowed to stay beside her through thick and thin, knowing that their love was real. That they were meant to be. And as quick as the oceans that crashed onto the shores, her mind flooded back to the memories that she had long stored away, never to be pried open again. She remembered it all as clear as day, and she knew that her love for Clarke since young never really died. Now she understood why she couldn’t shut Clarke out completely. For the memories of them as they were kids was what made their love meant to be. They were born into this world, made for loving each other. And the connection they felt every time their skins touched, that volt of electricity that surged between them like a beating lifeline, was the connection that was never lost between them.

 

“You painted this?” Were the first words that left Lexa’s still shocked body, and Clarke smiled.

 

“I did. I still remember that day as clear as the sun shining on the earth. The promise we made to each other, the one we sealed with a kiss. It took me a long time to figure out myself, and I was lost in the sea because I was blinded by my own excuses. But two days ago, I realised then, when I spoke to Wells, that his words were true. I was being an idiot. He told me that I was only clouding myself with my own lies and own excuses, that my loathing self was trying to avoid the problems that I myself created. I brought you here because I wanted to talk. I wanted to tell you that all those years of being a shit friend to you, I can never make up for. And I finally understand now, that the things that were done to me, was the karma I deserved for treating you as such. I could tell you over and over how sorry I am, but it can never turn back time for me to undo the things that I have done. For hurting you, for not standing up for you, for being the coward that I was. And now, I am not going to ask you for forgiveness Lexa. I’m not going to ever ask you off that because I deserve it. In fact, I shouldn’t even deserve the right to ever be friends with you again. For all that I have done, I will never ever deserve it. And I’m going to try and make this right, by going over to my mom and Indra tomorrow, to let them know that I won’t go through with their little deal, after I thought about it overnight. I’m not going to make that mistake anymore and I don’t want to be the cause of your pain anymore. I won’t ask my mom for the cash I was supposed to receive, because it will be given to you who needs it more than I do. You have your own business to expand, and I want you to be happy doing the things that you love.”

 

Lexa was stunned. She never anticipated the answer and the words that came out of her mouth. Clarke had changed and Lexa could see it. The selfless person she once knew was coming back. Lexa sighed and closed her eyes. Clarke was doing something that wasn’t for her own benefit, and Lexa was… elated. But she couldn’t accept Clarke’s offer.

 

“I appreciate it Clarke. I really do. And I thank you for it. But… you forgot to ask me one thing.” Clarke frowned. What in the hell had she missed out.

 

“What is it?”

 

“Have you ever asked me what I wanted? You wanted to do this for me, to give me the money that was meant for you for my business, was a kind thing to do. But you never asked me what made me happy. For the longest of times I spent hating you Clarke, there was always this voice in my head that told me I never could. That the girl I kissed for the first time in that picture, was really going to be my life. That blonde 10-year-old was my happiness. And because life got in the way, things dwindled away and we never saw eye to eye ever again. But now, after you came back, somehow in some sick twisted way, that feeling inside resurfaced. I don’t know what it is, but if you asked me what makes me happy, it’s not you running away because you don’t want to hurt me. You hurt me emotionally and physically, yet, deep inside, you never did. And honestly Clarke, I could never hate you forever. But what I do know now, is that you walking away again, will hurt me even more than you did years ago.”

 

Clarke couldn’t move. She couldn’t speak. She couldn’t comprehend the fact that Lexa had wanted her to stay. And even more intriguing was the fact that her last words punched her right in the gut. She never knew that with her giving Lexa the space and the freedom again would destroy her. Clarke understood then that she may have taken a long time to realise her mistakes, but that her decision to end what had brought them together would tear Lexa apart. Maybe Lexa did have a little bit of emotion in her heart. Maybe the loneliness, the pain and the turmoil going around in her current state of heart wanted them to try. And Clarke wanted to.

 

“Do you want me to stay? And go on as what we were before?” Clarke asked weakly, afraid of what she might hear differently.

 

“Just… don’t go. Maybe we can try to work on things…” Lexa closes her eyes and sighs, before opening them again to look over at Clarke. “I did miss you as my friend Clarke. I admit I do. But, a part of me is being selfish in wanting you to stay and be my friend. But the other part of me is going to be the reasonable one in which I can’t force you to do anything you don’t wish to do. And to leave is the decision you want, then leave. I won’t hold you back. My mother I can deal with about the arrangements that we won’t be getting married, and your mother…”

 

Before Lexa could continue, Clarke stops Lexa by cupping her face. “I will stay Lexa. I… I do care for you. And I do want to make this work. However long it will take… I won’t leave. Because I made a promise. TO care and love you for who you are. And I will keep my promises. No more running.”

 

Clarke pulls Lexa’s head forward, placing a soft kiss on Lexa’s forehead, happy as the world could be. She never wanted to leave Lexa. But if Lexa didn’t want her, she had no choice but to go. She had to be the selfless one. She had to put Lexa’s needs before her own. And this was the start. There was still so much work to do between them both, but, this they could start with. Lexa let herself feel, the warm touch of Clarke’s lips on her forehead, and she let a tear slip down her cheek. She longed for love, yet told herself she didn’t deserve it. Was she making a mistake in asking Clarke to stay? Would the voices in her head tell her she was wrong? Would they tell her love is weakness over and over again, and make her lose herself once again? She didn’t know. But maybe perhaps in this moment of time, the voices in her head were silent, and she could relish it for as long as it could last, before she runs back into hiding. For now, she could accept the care given, and won’t have those voices running her body for her. For now, she could be the 12-year-old self she had longed for, live in this moment, before it disappeared again when the voices came back.

 

Clarke shifted Lexa into her arms, wrapping them around Lexa, and letting the brunette rest her head on her shoulders. Clarke still wanted to talk to Lexa about her harming herself. But now, it was something that could wait, knowing that Lexa needed all the care and love that she never had for a very long time, fill her again. Clarke decided then, tonight, she would come home to Lexa, but she promised to help Wells with some stuff at his bar before she could call it a night. Maybe she could send Lexa home first, and come back to get her things, help Wells, and then go home to Lexa. Yes… she would do that. And they could spend Saturday and Sunday talking to each other, and getting to know each other all over again. Yes. Clarke thought. They could work on that.

 

“Will you come home tonight?” Lexa’s voice was but a mere whisper, and Clarke smiled.

 

“Yes. But I still have to help Wells. I promised him since I crashed at his place and made a mess in his living room. I’ll gone for a few hours, but if you like, maybe you can meet me at his bar later, and maybe say hi? He kinda misses staring at you from his bedroom window across the street when we played in the lawn. He says he misses your glasses too.”

 

And that had Lexa smiling. She remembered Wells commenting about her glasses every time he saw her. “Yeah. I could do that. I need to do some grocery shopping first though. And when you’re done, I’ll be there.”

 

Lexa pulls away to look at Clarke, her blue eyes boring deep into hers, and the grin that came after made Lexa giggle. Clarke wanted to hear it over and over again. And she would never grow tired of it.

 

“Before you go Lexa… there is one thing I need to talk to you about…” Clarke frowns, knowing this won’t be easy.

 

“Yes?”

 

“The cuts on your wrists Lexa… I know it’s not my place to ask but if we are going to make this work… I… I want to know why Lexa. Whenever you’re ready…” Clarke was threading on thin waters. Lex could flip the emotion switch at any second, and Clarke was worried.

 

Lexa was panicking. She didn’t have an answer for Clarke. She couldn’t. She couldn’t tell Clarke why. What would Clarke think of her? She couldn’t let Clarke know about the voices in her head. How they burned her heart and mind every time the thoughts came flooding back to her. Lexa didn’t want Clarke to think of her as a freak. Not again. Lexa stood there, the turmoil raging around her head and mind, and Clarke knew if she didn’t do something, Lexa was going to have a stroke if she left her be. Stepping forward slowly, Clarke gripped Lexa’s shoulders, and bringing her back into her warm embrace.

 

“I’m not asking you to tell me now. But when you’re ready. When you feel comfortable enough. I don’t want to see you suffering like this. Friends look out for each other Lexa. And I want to look after you. Whenever you’re ready… I’ll be there to listen. Just don’t shut off or hurt yourself.” Lexa stiffened again, her racing heart suddenly began to ease off.

 

Clarke won’t hurt you. She wants to listen to your troubles. Your pains, your aches and your episodes. She wants to listen to it all and care for you. Lexa didn’t hear the voices except for the one strong one beating in her heart. To trust Clarke.

 

“Not today. But I will tell you… when I’m ready.” Lexa whispered, and Clarke nodded, her hand still rubbing her back soothingly.

 

“You’ll be fine. I promise.”

 

And Lexa held onto those five words like a lifeline.

* * *

 

 “So, it worked? Like she talked?”

 

“I was quite surprised yes. I didn’t expect her to ask me to stay. I wasn’t even guilt tripping her Wells. I would never do that to her anyway. But you could see the sadness in her eyes Wells. She’s so broken, I don’t even know where to start. Like, I asked her about her cuts, and she just told me not today. She said that the last time we had crazy sex when we were supposed to talk after our crazy sex. Yet, here I am back to square one.” Clarke grumbles, placing the boxes of alcohol on the ground.

 

“Clarke! Remember what I told you. Lexa is different. She's been hit wave after wave of pain, it will take her time to come forward fully and tell the world what's been going on in her head. It's not easy for her and you have to be patient. You care for her, so you have to take things one step at a time. And please don’t rush her Clarke. It’s only gonna drive her away more.”

 

“I just can’t understand Wells, I feel for her, and somewhere inside her, she does feel for me. But why would she even want me to stay? I just can’t understand it.”

 

“Soulmates Clarke. Both of you have and always will be soulmates. Like the stories I’ve heard when I travelled to Asia for a couple of months, each person has a red invisible string tied together along with their soulmates. That string would never break, even in death, and no doubt that connection will always be there. It’s a freaky thing if you think about, but it also makes sense if you feel that tug or connection with her. When the first contact was made, that spark you two feels, it’s the spark of love. It’s always going to be there.”

 

“Why are you so wise?” Clarke smirks at Wells who could only laugh.

 

“Take that up with my dad. He’s the wise one who keeps telling me this.”

 

Laughing again, the two of them headed back outside to the bar with the orders in hand and made their way over to the counter top. There was a crowd already in the bar, and Wells had to jump in, helping his father do a drink or two and Clarke slowly clears the bottle from the boxes and arranges it nicely for Wells to take.

 

“So, Lexa’s coming to meet you here?”

 

“Yup. She said she was going grocery shopping first, and then when she’s done with the stuff at home, she’ll drop by. I told her I said you missed her. And I also happened to mention how much you missed staring at her glasses and I kept the ass part out of the convo. See! I’m such a nice friend.” Clarke wiggles her eyebrows at him.

 

“If you ever mention me staring at her butt from my window, I will have to reconsider our friendship Clarke.” Wells frowns, only for his dad to walk up to them.

 

“You stare at every girls butt Wells. It’s not a surprise you had a crush on dear old Alexandria Woods. I admit, she was a hot one.” Thelonious Jaha winked at Clarke, who buckled down laughing as Wells groaned and hid his face before it turned red.

 

“Dad! Not in front of her fiancé!”

 

“What? It’s the truth. And a heads up for you Clarke. You might want to make an escape now. Mr. Dick is here.” Thelonious points at the entrance with a glare, and Clarke immediately stops moving.

 

No way was he here. No bloody way. Clarke turned to look at Wells and Thelonious, both of them urging Clarke to head towards the back room immediately, and Clarke made a run for it. Wells had been their neighbor when they were young, along with Lexa’s family, and they looked out for each other. But tonight, was the definition of helping and protecting her. Wells made Clarke sit in the back room while he dealt with the threat outside, and Clarke shuddered in fear. No way could he be here. Clarke paced the back room, biting her nails, hoping Lexa wouldn’t come so soon. She knew he would find her eventually, despite her moving away from that small-town Lexa, Wells and her lived in, and no doubt he would have found her. She remembered what he said to her, how he would destroy her for destroying him.

 

Clarke remembered the look on his face, how he vowed to come after her and everyone she ever loved, and he wouldn’t stop until his last breath. Clarke saw it in his eyes. And with the years that passed, she was sure enough he would come looking for her. She just never thought it would ever happen. She was to arrogant and over confident to think he would ever come after her. And now, she was beyond scared. She was hysterical. She needed to get to Lexa.

 

“Clarke? He’s gone.” Wells comes back 10 minutes later, and Clarke sighs thankfully.

 

“Thanks Wells. I appreciate it.”

 

“Nothing to worry about Clarke. He doesn’t deserve you. My dad is keeping a lookout with some of his old buddies there at the bar. So, I suggest you head off, call Lexa to meet you somewhere else and go home okay? If anything happens, you call the cops or you call me or my dad. Or if anything, you get Lexa and both of you come straight here okay?”

 

“I will Wells. Thank you.” Clarke embraces him in a hug, and he hugs tighter.

 

“We got you covered. Now go.”

 

Clarke grabs her things, and makes her way out through the bar. Thelonious friends were looking around, and Clarke knew who they were, and she knew they would be looking out for her until she was a safe distance away from the bar area. Clarke double checked her surroundings, her phone in hand, trying to call Lexa. Walking out onto the main street, Clarke makes a sharp right turn, walking as fast as she could before someone grabs her from behind and drags her into the alley way beside the bar. Thelonious buddy who was sitting outside had been looking out in another direction when he made his move and dragged her backwards before slamming her into the wall. Clarke drops her phone when Lexa all but answers.

 

_“Clarke? You there Clarke? Clarke?”_

Clarke stares into the eyes of the man who took everything away from her, and the evil smirk he had plastered to his face, made Clarke cower down in fear.

 

“It’s been a long time Clarke. You thought I wouldn’t come for you now did you baby?”

 

“Finn…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Now as I said last chapter, I'm going to be putting up a warning sign at the very beginning with what's to come next Chapter. It's going to be really really descriptive and graphic, so to those of you who read the tags, you will know whats coming. I won't spoil anything now, but shits going down and bear with me for this one chapter. After that, It will be smooth sailing and the angst will die down completely. Just try no to kill me before I get there :) hope you guys enjoy this chapter and I promise to make things better :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karma comes back to bite you in the ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: DESCRIPTIONS OF VIOLENCE

Lexa was close to her destination no doubt, walking 15 blocks down from the apartment was a long walk, but somehow, she missed it. She missed walking at night when the people were out and about, and she remembered the time she used to take walks like that with Costia. Out in the cold winter night, just smiling at everything and anything as they took their stroll out and about, but that was nothing more than a memory now. But she wasn’t entirely alone. She had Clarke with her. Clarke and her were going to be friends and they will be working on patching their friendship back for now. Lexa however had doubts on opening up on the past to Clarke. She could tell Clarke was worried about her.

 

One part of her, the voices, had told her that it was a bad idea. That by getting help from her, would result in them hurting her even more. Her voices in her head had shut her down for being brave, for being the one to open up to Clarke, and she fell into the conflicted zone again. Yet, the other half of her had told her to take a chance, the one being the form of Costia’s voice, to put aside the other voices and follow her heart. Honestly, Lexa didn’t know what she wanted anymore. She only wanted was for someone to be there with her. Just to have the feeling of someone being close to her. Lexa had craved for that when Costia passed, yet, she never found it in herself to seek comfort from others, and blamed herself over and over again for events that she knew she had no control over. Still, she took the blame for it all.

 

Nearing the bar that her old neighbor Wells Jaha worked at, Lexa’s phone vibrates, seeing Clarke’s name and face appear, and she quickly answers it, knowing it was never Clarke to call her first.

 

“Clarke? You there Clarke? Clarke?”

 

And the name that came through the phone made her heart stop. Her blood turned to ice, the sheer terror in that name sent chills down her spine. Lexa froze in her spot; the memories came flooding back to her head. No way was she dreaming about this. It wasn’t possible. Yet that name, that horrid name came to her ears and Lexa surged forward, taking off into a run.

 

Finn.

 

Lexa could hear them talking, but her head and her heart was pounding furiously, her heartbeat thumping so loudly, she felt them in her ears as she ran across the street to the other side, receiving honks and horns from the cars that passed her angrily. Lexa kept the phone to her ears, trying to find the place that Clarke was held at and three other voices came through the line. Finn had four people there with him. Clarke was going to get hurt. She couldn’t allow that. She had to get her out of there. Costia would have done the same thing. No one deserves to be hurt. And for Clarke, she couldn’t let the only person she still had feelings for get hurt.

 

Clarke was her friend and one who would care for her.

* * *

 

 “Finn… how?”

 

“Didn’t take a lot. Apparently, your little hook ups with people all around have been pretty helpful. Not to mention me being the smart person I am hiring a private investigator to tail you. I have to say Clarke, you should have stuck with me and not ratted me out like the whore you are.” Finn smiles, and Clarke looks at him in disgust.

 

“You deserved it. You hurt me, you hurt people like Lexa, Raven, Octavia, and all the other people in the school because you thought you were the big dog, thinking that you get away with everything because you thought mommy and daddy got money. What happened then Finn? Did mommy and daddy bail you out or did they leave you to rot?” Clarke challenges.

 

Finn could only growl in anger, and the next thing Clarke knew, was the fact that she was on the ground, her face pulsing with pain. Finn had hit her. Like the coward he is. Clarke felt her head spin from the impact of his punch, and anger raged inside of her. Just then, she saw three other men step out from behind the shadows, none of which she recognized, and she knew they were with Finn. She was doomed.

 

“See Clarke! It's one thing to walk alone, it's another to have friends who are loyal to you.” Finn smirked, and the three men laughed.

 

“You don't know what friends are Finn. You never knew because all you were was a fucking asshole who deserves nothing but shame and loneliness. You destroyed my future, you caused me the pain of losing the one person I ever cared and practically love. So, no. You don’t deserve the luxury of ever having friends. Or people who love you.”

 

Clarke seethed. Finn could only ball his fists up, ready to strike again. Clarke waited for him to kick, to beat her like he did, causing her to lose the child in her womb, and destroy her insides, preventing her from ever being pregnant again, yet it never came. But the thing she heard was the sound of Finn’s nose cracking and his screams of agony as he tumbled to the floor. Everything happened so fast. Lexa was there, her hand bleeding from punching Finn right in the nose, his blood coating her knuckles, and Lexa stood in front of Clarke. Clarke scrambled to her feet, the three men looking down at Finn while they waited for their friend to tell them their orders.

 

Clarke felt Lexa’s hand on her face, her eyes desperate to look into Clarke’s and when their eyes met, Clarke knew Lexa had heard her. Lexa had come for her. But that's when the guilt set in. Not only did Lexa come, she had put her in grave danger. And Clarke was going to suffer for it. This was her mistake. It was going to cost her. Before Lexa or Clarke could do anything else, Clarke watched as Lexa was yanked backwards by all three men, and she screamed. She wasn't screaming out of fear, she was screaming for Clarke to run.

 

“RUN CLARKE! RUN!”

 

One of Finn’s friends advanced towards her and Clarke made a choice. She ran. She didn't, no she couldn't leave Lexa behind. Not with the bastard that destroyed her life. That destroyed their lives. But she had to. She had to get help. She wasn't going to make the same mistakes again and she wasn't going to be the one to stand to the side and watch on. No. She couldn't and she wouldn't let that happen. So Clarke ran with her life, Lexa's screams drowning away as she ran, and ran back to the bar she did.

 

Not this time. I won't leave you Lexa. I won't.

* * *

 

 Lexa didn't know what got her here in this position, but she was scared beyond life itself. Pinned against the wall, Lexa struggled and fought for dear life, trying her best to get away, but her efforts were futile. Finn stood up from the ground with a grunt, one hand to his bleeding nose, and Lexa knew she was going to die tonight. The anger in his eyes, the fury and rage that had settled upon her was inevitable. Finn walked up to her and punched her right in the stomach, taking the wind out of her as she coughed and gasped, trying to draw air into her empty lungs.

 

“You and Clarke? Pathetic. Always knew you were a slut. I'm surprised you stuck around with her you little bitch.” Finn punched her again in the face, Lexa kept her mouth shut, not wanting to make herself look weak in his eyes. Copper filled her mouth as she took another hit from Finn's abusive hands.

 

“So Lexa, how do you manage to worm your way into Clarke's pants huh? Let me tell you something whore, the day I fucked her, and got her pathetically pregnant was the best day of my life. But the stupid bitch had to rat me out. So I thought her a lesson. I beat up your precious little girlfriend until she was nothing but a body to be put in the grave. Such a shame. Too bad she got away because of you. And now, I'll end like I should have done years ago.”

 

Finn smiles again, his eyes showing all the evil bastard things he could do, and he snapped his fingers, and Lexa instantly felt the pain in her shoulders. Crying out, Lexa was thrown to the ground, the searing pain in her shoulders making it impossible for her to get up or move. Just when she thought that the pain would remain there, Finn did the unthinkable thing any monster would do. He kicked her, over and over again in the ribs, her stomach and it wasn’t just him. The other three men with him joined in the fun, and Lexa cried out in pain. Memories of high school came back to her like a flash flood, the teenagers that stood around her, hitting her over and over again relentlessly, calling her names, making fun of her, taking their anger out at her. But the current predicament she was in, it was ten times worse.

 

At least Clarke got away. She couldn’t allow her to get hurt. Despite Clarke not wanting to be the one to hit her, she knew Clarke didn’t have a choice. Hearing the words from Finn on what he did to her disgusted her to the core, yet, she wished Clarke was here with her. The look in Clarke’s eyes made her realise that Clarke wasn’t the bad guy. She saw the guilt in Clarke’s eyes and she knew that she needed to forgive Clarke. She was going to die, at least she could do was forgive the woman who told her that she was sorry. And that Clarke had meant it. As the life force drained out of her, she was flipped onto her back by Finn, a dark look glassed over his eyes.

 

“See you in hell bitch.”

 

Finn gripped her throat with all his force, and Lexa couldn’t fight anymore. Her lungs screamed, her throat burned and her vision began to blur. She struggled slightly, everything beginning to fade when the pressure on her throat was lifted. Lexa tried to breathe, but her body felt too numb to move. Turning her head to the side, her blurry vision landed on the one person she never expected to see. There was scuffles and shouts going on, too distant for Lexa to hear despite the proximity of it. She was sliding in and out of consciousness, her eyes fighting hard to stay awake. But in front of her, despite her dying body, Lexa saw those blonde locks of hair, that pale smooth skin that felt like fire on her own when touched. But what came into view despite the blur, was those beautiful blue eyes.

 

Clarke came back. She came back for her. Lexa never thought the time would come that Clarke would actually come back. She felt warm hands cup her face on her cold skin, and the voice that faded in and out like a dream. Eventually, the darkness called to her, and the last thing she heard was Clarke’s voice in her ears. The sweet soothing voice that she would never hear again.

 

‘Hold on Lexa… just stay with me… help is coming…’

* * *

 

 Clarke barged into the bar area, hysterical and lost, startling the patrons around her and Wells saw her running over. Clarke was losing it, needing to get help as soon as possible, and even if she didn’t get help, she would literally head back and die for Lexa. Oh god, Lexa was all alone. She needed to get back to her fast. Lexa was going to die if she didn’t. Running over to Wells, he seemed to understand her panic and her racing mind, and he didn’t need to question her any further when Thelonious rounded his buddies up, at least a group of 10 men, and some of them were still in the police force, making Clarke breathe a sigh of relief for now. But her heart was hammering with urgency to get back to Lexa, and that’s when rage filled her. Finn was laying his hands on her as we speak, and she needed to kill him. She wasn’t going to let him do the same things he did to her to Lexa.

 

Clarke runs to the back of the bar, grabbing the baseball bat that was there which belonged to Wells, knowing that he used to play baseball in his free time and she bolted back out the door, the rest of the men trailing behind her. Clarke was out to kill and she would kill a man if she had to in order to protect Lexa. Whatever is left of her. Clarke scurries out into the cold winter night, running and running until she reached the alley again, and her hear stopped. The sight before her eyes sent her screaming out to gain their attention, and Clarke surged forward without hesitating. Finn was choking Lexa on the ground, the brunette completely powerless and she knew something was all too wrong. Lexa wasn’t moving or fighting back. Wells joined her shortly behind along with the older gentleman behind, and Finn’s friends scurried backwards, coming to a stop when they realised they had come to a dead end. Clarke only had her eyes fixed on Finn, and when she got to him, Clarke took one large swing, and the crack of a bone sent Clarke over the edge.

 

Finn was knocked backwards, this time his nose broken for sure, and he shook his head, clearly zoned out. Clarke brought her bat down on him, over and over again in her rage, hitting every spot that she could on his body, screaming at him over and over again that he was nothing but a bastard. Blood splattered the ground, Finn begging like wimp, wanting Clarke to stop.

 

“I’m going to kill you! You hear me Finn??? I’IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!”

 

Before she could take one more strike, Wells comes up behind her and grips her hard, pulling her away as Clarke struggled to break free from his grasp.

 

“Stop Clarke! Stop. Lexa needs you. Stop!”

 

Lexa. Clarke dropped the bat, staring at the lifeless body to the side, and Clarke snapped out of her thoughts. She got free from Wells, skidding to the ground beside Lexa, and Clarke cried. She actually cried her heart out. Lexa was barely breathing, her eyes half closed and glazed over, and she laid there on the brink of death. Clarke cupped Lexa’s cheeks, so cold to her touch, and Clarke kissed her forehead.

 

“Hold on Lexa… just stay with me… help is coming…” Clarke continued rubbing her cheeks to warm them up but it was no use.

 

Lexa looked as if she was battling death, but her eyes were still slightly open, and her heart was still beating at least. Clarke let the tears cascade like a river down her cheeks, the sounds of the ambulance in the distance making hope glimmer slightly. Clarke didn’t care about the blood splattered on her clothes, her face, the ones that belonged to the bastard on the ground. She only cared about Lexa. And she would only care about her.

 

“Stay with me please… I can’t let you go like this Lexa. Please… you and me promised remember?” Clarke caresses Lexa’s face, but nothing seems to be working until Lexa’s eyes closes completely.

 

Clarke went hysterics. She went numb. No… Lexa couldn’t be gone. The paramedics that rushed over pried Lexa from her grasp, and Clarke fought to get to her. Sensing that Clarke was close to Lexa, one of them allowed Clarke into the ambulance, but still keeping her at bay, Wells shouting after that he will meet her at the hospital. Clarke couldn’t think but only nodded at Wells. Finn could be dealt with later. Lexa was important now. Nothing else. Holding onto Lexa’s hand for dear life, Clarke watched in slow motion as they worked around to assess Lexa’s situation. She was alive, but air wasn’t reaching her lungs, prompting them to stick a tube in to get the oxygen flowing.

 

The entire trip to the hospital went in slow motion, and Clarke herself was being checked out, seeing that she had a nasty bruise on her face that was already swelling slightly from being hit by Finn. Lexa seems to be in far worse shape, and Clarke felt guilt all over her wrecked self. If she hadn’t been with Finn, Lexa wouldn’t be here in this ambulance right now. She would be at home or perhaps with Clarke right now walking home. Lexa had come to her rescue, buying her time to get away and get help, but only getting the brunt of it because of herself. This was all her fault. She resigned her fate and if Lexa never forgave her ever, she understood. There was nothing that could be salvaged for their friendship. Not ever. Reaching the hospital, Lexa was wheeled through the emergency doors, and Clarke followed along as best as she could, her hand never letting go of Lexa’s. It only got to a certain point when the male nurses had to pry Clarke back, making Clarke fight with them to let her through, and her mother shows up at the front to see the ongoing mess.

 

“What the hell Clarke? What is going on?”

 

“Mom please… you have to let me in. Please please please…” Clarke cried in her mother’s arms, Abby clearly lost at what was going on and she rubbed her daughter’s back soothingly.

 

“Tell me what happened Clarke? What happened?”

 

“Finn… he came back looking for me. He… he got me in the alley near Wells bar, and and, Lexa… she was coming to meet me. He got me in the alley but Lexa came and punched him and I got away. I went to get Wells and Thelonious, and when we got back… Lexa was on the ground… please mom… you have to save her please…”

 

Clarke begged, and Abby sighed. This wasn’t how the night was supposed to go.

 

“Clarke, I need you to come to my office okay? You’re going to wait there until I get you alright?”

 

“Ok.. ok..” Clarke stood shakily in her mother’s arms, and they walked away slowly. Clarke couldn’t lose Lexa. She just couldn’t.

 

Not when her heart still loved her.

* * *

 

 Indra rushed into the hospital like a mad woman, clearly worried and lost in her own world. She rushed around with Wells and Thelonious who had met her by accident at the parking lot when they got to the elevators, and Indra recognizing Thelonious straight off, they stopped to greet each other. Wells had filled Indra in on her side of the story about what happened, and she was grateful for their help. Her daughter had been taken in when Abby had called, stating that Clarke was on the verge of breaking down completely when she found her being held back by the male nurses. And when Indra heard the name Finn over the phone, she lost her cool. She was out the door in seconds and drove all the way down to the hospital without a care in the world, and here she was now.

 

The three of them made their way up towards the waiting room, and when Abby and Clarke came into view, she rushed over, immediately enveloping in a hug with Abby before she bent down in front of Clarke. Her blue eyes were lost to the ocean of emotions and Indra ached for her. Her future daughter in law was a mess. The guilt residing deep in her heart was enough to last a lifetime and Indra knew it would take a lot for Clarke to come back out of that bubble at the moment.

 

“Clarke?” Indra asked softly, and Clarke’s eyes shifted to hers, tears forming again.

 

“It was my fault Indra… I failed her. I failed everyone. Because of me she’s in there… I’m sorry… I’m so… so sorry.” Clarke sobs, and Indra wipes the tears off her face.

 

“No. You didn’t fail her Clarke. You came back for her. You saved her from death’s hands. You saved each other. So, don’t you ever dare say that you failed. If you left her there alone and never came back, then that’s where you failed. But you didn’t. You came back and you saved her okay? Remember what you promised? You promised to take care of her. So you are going to take care of my daughter because she’s a fighter and she will fight. Don’t blame yourself anymore Clarke. Because it was never your fault for that bastard of an animal.”

 

Clarke cries harder, and immediately drops her head on Indra’s shoulders, Abby coming over to wrap her arms around them both, providing comfort for each other. Clarke let herself be rid of the guilt, letting the feeling of protectiveness and care was over her, and renewing her mind of being there for Lexa. She made a promise. And she wanted to keep her promise. Lexa was going to be okay. She repeated those words in her mind for the next couple of hours, Indra then began making calls to ensure that Finn never saw the light of day again, and that he would receive the harshest of punishments when his trial would come whenever he gets out of the hospital. He was transferred to a different one, one where the cops could watch over him, and everyone was thankful for that. As the hours passed Clarke drifted over to Wells, sleeping on his shoulders as they waited patiently for the doctors to call them.

 

Clarke wished the rest of them were here with her. Raven always knew how to lighten the mood, Anya was always disturbing everyone with her spit balls, Luna and Octavia would bring them food and such to ease the tension. But they out casted her, taking sides and blaming Clarke for all this. The only people who didn’t was Wells, Indra and her own mother. They knew that it was something they had to live with, and over time forgiveness and understanding would settle in. Clarke appreciated it that Indra didn’t blame her. She was expecting to be hit and burned and skinned alive. But Indra… Indra came in like the strong woman she is and she set her straight. And Clarke thanked her for that. Soon enough, the voice that filled the waiting room had her on her feet in mere seconds.

 

“Alexandria Woods family?” Dr. Lorelei Tsing, one of Abby’s close friends and surgeon stepped into the waiting room and Indra, along with Clarke and Abby stood in front of her.

 

“I’m her mother. Her fiancé.” Indra points to Clarke so that she may hear it too.

 

“Your daughter made it out of surgery. She has 4 broken ribs, multiple fractured ones as well from the impact of the kicks and also bruises along her stomach. As for her face, a busted lip, another cut above her right eyebrow which was easily taken care off, but, the more pressing matter is her neck. It is a possibility she won’t be able to speak or swallow as the pressure or force the male attacker did was pretty hard in layman terms. In which, could cause swelling in the brain from the low oxygen level travelling through due to the strangulation. We did a CT scan and we found nothing so far, but we are going to monitor her condition just in case something forms or pops up after she wakes. For now, we can only allow two of you in. And there is one more thing I wish to speak to the three of you about.” Dr. Tsing stared between Indra and Clarke.

 

“What is it?”

 

“It came to my attention that her left wrist, has some very disturbing cuts. It was marked in sets of seven and those cuts were made by self-infliction. I believe she did this to herself. Is there by any chance she is being abused or that perhaps had been in a traumatic situation that caused her to be this way? Depression is a serious issue.”

 

“She was in an accident over a year ago. Most of us had tried to get through to her but… none of us could. She shut herself out from the world.” Indra states, making Clarke’s heart ache even more.

 

“If that is the case, we could set up a counselling session for her, and maybe get her to work on those feelings that she keeps inside. As of now, she shouldn’t be left alone and someone should stay with her to take care of her. She could be a danger to herself or others. Perhaps a loved one or a nurse to care for her…”

 

“I am her fiancé and I sure as hell can take care of her. So do not think that my fiancé is crazy in the head to actually kill herself and not be able to take care of herself. She just needs time and that’s all. There is no need for a nurse or anyone else when that job falls to me. Thank you for your help and your concern, but my mother's and I would like to see her now please.” Clarke said in a very dark tone that Indra and Abby instantly noticed.

 

Dr. Tsing gulped somewhat, looking at Abby for help but Abby only shrugged her shoulders, seeing that the way she phrased her sentence had ticked Clarke off. Clarke knew the doctor only wanted to help, but Clarke knew better than to allow the person in front of her to think that Lexa was incapable of anything else then hurting herself. Clarke didn't mean to be rude. The doctor was only trying to help. But knowing that she had tried to get Lexa to talk had been a task, getting someone else and being forced to see someone without her consent would make things worse. She couldn't afford to have Lexa shutting herself off. Not when she made progress.

 

“Ah right. This way.”

 

Dr. Tsing led Indra and Clarke down the hallway, Abby trailing slowly behind, seeing that she had access to the room whenever she wanted to, she allowed Indra and her daughter in first. Indra was the first to walk into the room, and it broke her heart at the sight and state her daughter was in. She was by her bedside in seconds, and Clarke, Clarke just stood at the entrance of the room, not allowing herself to look up and move forward into the room. Abby comes up to her daughter, rubbing her back lightly and kisses her forehead.

 

“It’s not your fault Clarke. It never was. She saved you, and you saved her. So go in there and be with her.” Abby whispers, and Clarke looks up for the very first time when she stood there. Her mother was right. Lexa did save her.

 

And it was her turn to save Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. SO I decided to change the way I wrote this out, and I couldn't bring myself to be an evil bitch. So I stuck with this and at this point of time, Clarke will fall into place and finally come to understand that the actions she made in the past was going to come biting her in the ass again. Moving forward with this, Clarke will finally understand the meaning of taking responsibility and becoming the selfless person she once was. Now, going forward, will be the process of healing and tender loving care, which will then lead to the two of them falling in love :) See ya guys soon ;)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forgiveness and a friend helps to forget momentarily.

Clarke walked over towards Indra, her eyes fixated on Lexa's sleeping form. The cast around her neck, the tubes running through her arms and the monitors placed around made Clarke hold back the tears that threatened to spill. Lexa didn't deserve any if this. Indra saw Clarke standing there awkwardly, and she came over to Clarke, bringing her over to the chair that was placed there, and sat her down. Indra ached at the thought of seeing Clarke looking so guilty over her daughter, and she made a choice to give Clarke some time alone with Lexa. Perhaps the words that needed to be said could be passed to her daughter quietly would be enough for Clarke to express the words that she longed to talked to Lexa about could said without her there. Indra gripped Clarke's shoulders, as if letting her know that she was heading out, and left quietly to join Abby outside the room. Clarke immediately let the tears fall, shifting to sit on the bed beside Lexa, leaning down to place a soft kiss on Lexa's forehead before taking her hands in her own and Clarke sob.

 

“I'm so sorry Lexa… I am so sorry. I realized my mistake too late. I should have been with you when we were in middle school. I should have stood up to him and never let him hurt you. This was all my fault… just please come back? I… can't let you go just like that because of my mistakes and I want to be there for you Lex… I promised myself to take care of you and I failed. But I want to be there for you this time Lexa. So I need you to wake up… so I can tell you how much I care for you. And to protect you for the rest of my life. I need you more than anyone I have ever needed in my life Lexa… please come back.”

 

Clarke cried, wiping the tears away and she shifts back into the chair. Wanting to untangle her hand from Lexa’s Clarke realized then that she couldn’t. Clarke looked up to Lexa, her body unmoving, yet she felt Lexa’s hand encase hers and Clarke tightened her grip. Green eyes opened slowly to the world, and Clarke felt her heart jump out of her throat. In that moment of time, nothing else mattered and Clarke brought Lexa’s hands to her lips, kissing them repeatedly until Lexa moved her hand slowly to cup Clarke’s face. The warmth that radiated from her hands made Clarke lean in to her touch, and slowly, she closed her eyes, letting the moment last for as long as she could. Lexa was awake. She was here. The softness of Lexa’s thumb rubbing her sore cheeks eased the pain almost immediately and Clarke silently let her tears fall. She didn’t dare open her eyes, afraid that this moment was nothing but a dream. A dream that she would eventually wake up from, but when a cough filled the room, Clarke was up almost immediately, her eyes landing on Lexa’s and she sighed in relief that Lexa was okay.

 

Lexa wanted to speak, but her throat hurts so much, she had to take her time to swallow. Seeing Lexa’s struggle, Clarke whipped out her phone, and allowed Lexa to use her free hand to type slowly.

 

‘Water.’

 

Clarke stood up and walked to the small cabinet at the side, pouring Lexa a small cup and returning to her, placing the cup at her lips and helping her to drink slowly. Lexa was in pain, and Clarke remained as patient as possible, making sure to stop whenever Lexa wanted a break, and finally the cup emptied, leaving the cup at the side before returning to her.

 

“Hey… how are you feeling?” Clarke ran her fingers through Lexa’s hair, soothing the brunette below her with her gentle touches as Lexa typed.

 

‘Hurts.’

 

Clarke cried, seeing how much pain Lexa was in, and Lexa lifted her other hand despite the immense pain, gripping Clarke’s neck and making her lay her head on Lexa’s shoulders. “I’m so sorry Lexa. I am so sorry. Please forgive me for leaving you. I should have stayed. I… I’m sorry.” Clarke feels Lexa tap her head twice, and moving up to look at Lexa, her eyes were filled with her own unshed tears, and Lexa lifted up the phone to her.

 

‘I forgive you. For everything.’

 

Clarke went wide eyed, clearly shocked at the words written in bold, and Lexa let a tear fall, before a small tired smile breached her lips. Clarke didn’t know what to think. She didn’t know what to say. Lexa had forgiven her and she was shocked. For the longest of weeks being with her, Lexa hadn’t made it easy for her to seek her forgiveness. It wasn’t until she stopped trying, and with everything that happened, she knew Lexa would never forgive her. But here she was now, sitting before the woman who almost died in the hands of a man who destroyed her life and her own, was forgiving her. With a renewed determination in her head and her heart, Clarke leant forward and kissed her cheeks, before proceeding to kiss her forehead, before taking her hand and placing it over her own heart.

 

“I promise you Lexa, I will take care of you. I won’t let anyone or anything hurt you ever again. I promise I’ll take care of your heart Lexa. I’m never letting you go again. Every pain or hurt that you feel, would be mine too. We’re going to get through this together and I’ll promise you the sun and the earth too. I’ll be with you forever. Until my last dying breath.” Clarke saw Lexa’s hand moving, her own tears coming down and Clarke waited patiently for Lexa’s reply.

 

‘I don’t need anything else Clarke. I just need you to stay. I’m messed up. But, you deserve better than my selfish needs.’

 

“No Lexa. You’re not selfish. I want to be here for you like I should have been. I’m not going anywhere. And whenever you’re ready to talk, when your healed, we can work it out together. As a team. You and me okay? I’m not leaving. Ever.” Clarke smiles, and Lexa closes her eyes, sighing before typing again.

 

‘Thank you, Clarke.’

 

With that, Clarke smiled, and she shifted around, getting into bed with Lexa and laying on the edge, removing her phone from Lexa’s hand and taking her hand in Clarke’s. Clarke squeezed her hand softly, and Lexa closed her eyes before drifting off to sleep again. Clarke stayed awake for a little while longer, and she too eventually fell asleep beside Lexa.

 

And this time, Clarke was at peace.

* * *

 

 “I guess we made the right decision on getting them together huh Indra?” Abby rubs her chin, watching their daughters fall asleep together in bed.

 

“Yeah. It was the best decision ever. Clarke admitted to her wrong doings, came back for Lexa, and I guess I can say that that is love right there. They were meant to be Abby. Just like we predicted all those years ago.” Indra sighs happily, folding her arms.

 

“Yeah. Jake and Gustus would be proud of them both. I guarantee that.”

 

Indra nods and the silence befalls them. They knew everything that happened between their daughters until it lead up to that moment. Clarke had stayed with Wells as his suggestion to clear her head, having received the brunt from Raven and the gang, and Abby was utterly disappointed. Taking sides wasn’t the best thing to do, but Wells had thankfully jumped in and talked some sense into Clarke, and Abby couldn’t be happier. Indra listened as well to the story, and she felt a slight tinge of anger from Anya. Anya who had sided with her girlfriend because of Clarke’s actions, who was Lexa’s best friend, hadn’t even tried to get Lexa out of her shell despite her daughter pushing people away, and yet, she had the guts to fall in line with the rest to kick Clarke out when she needed advice. She knew Anya had been a good kid for her daughter and a good friend, but not helping Lexa on her own initiative made her heart ache. She had expected more, but it seems she had to take back her words.

 

Just then, Indra and Abby heard the soft chatters from a group of people approaching them, and true enough, Raven, Anya, Luna and Octavia emerged in the hallway, after Wells had called Raven, who was a frequent party goer with Clarke last time. The four of them came over, but Abby held her hand up, silencing them immediately, and they stopped in their tracks.

 

“Wells called us. We heard about Finn so we came.” Raven states quietly, and Indra looked at Abby before looking back at the rest.

 

“You ladies may go home. Lexa is resting. She can’t talk either. So it would be much appreciated.” Abby stated sternly.

 

“Ummmm Mrs G? What is Clarke doing in there? She hurt Lexa! How could you let her be with Lexa after what she did to her in high school?” Anya asks, and this time it was Indra’s turn to reply.

 

“Oh I clearly know what Clarke did. In fact, she came over to me personally and told me every detail of what she did. Which is why she’s in there. The fact that you are her friends, and what Clarke and Wells told me about what you said to Clarke, it really breaks my heart. Even if it was my own friend who made mistakes, I wouldn’t be choosing sides and telling my own friend to get out of the apartment for past mistakes. So don’t pretend that all of you were doing a good deed by protecting your friend whom none of you have ever tried to get her to open up, and clearly the only one who can is Clarke. She took a lot of shit yes, but I don’t think she would do what you guys did to a friend. So as Abby said, I think you guys should head home. Until the day you earn their forgiveness, don’t bother coming over here again. And I mean it.” Indra turns her head away, looking back into the room, not wanting to look at their faces.

 

“We’re sorry. We didn’t mean to put it out that way.” Octavia answers on behalf of them.

 

“You made my daughter look as if she was the monster. That, I cannot forgive. She made mistakes, we all have in our life. But what you did isn’t something that I can say was right. So please leave.” Abby states, and the group of them exchange glances, looking inside the room one last time before leaving.

 

After a long silence, Indra turns to Abby. “Did we do the right thing?”

 

“As far as I know, they need to learn too. Until they learn what it means to be a good friend, we can let them in again. For now, though, let’s just concentrate on helping our daughters get better. We have a lot of work to do to get them back to their old selves.”

 

“Maybe we don’t need to help them Abby. I think the two of them would do it on their own. We can only stand to the side and provide the support when needed. Lexa however I worry for though. I hope Clarke can handle it.” Indra sighed.

 

“She will. Lexa will open up. Give her time. Clarke will get her back. She just needs to give her and provide her with the comfort and love that Lexa needs, and she will come back. Time is all we need now.”

 

“I hope your right.”

* * *

 

 Clarke checks around the hallway, looking around for any of the staff on duty that she might think will turn her in for what she was about to do. Blinking and spying one last time, Clarke moves out of the corner and walks normally towards the room Lexa was in, and she smiles when she realizes that there wasn’t anyone in her room. Lexa was so much better now that it had been five days since their attack. Clarke had stepped out to get some fresh air when an idea popped into her head and she just had to do it. She knew Lexa would love it beyond her wildest dreams, but if her mother or any of the staff caught her, she was doomed. Knocking on the door before opening it, Clarke smiles when she sees Lexa playing with her phone, her geeky glasses that were on for she couldn’t use her contact lens at the moment and Clarke swooned at the sight of her looking so adorably cute. The old Lexa was coming back and Clarke was happy. Lexa couldn’t move much, her three broken ribs hurting her like a bitch, and her other injuries were still in the processing of healing, making Lexa completely bedridden.

 

Clarke found it amusing when Lexa got bored, and she had a habit of switching channels randomly as she found it fun clicking the buttons again and again. Of course, her mother scolded her for trying to destroy the remote, but Lexa had gotten so bored, Clarke was afraid Lexa might just start eating the bed and the pillows. Clarke pads her way over, a devilish grin on her face, and Lexa perks up and eyebrow at her in questioning. Clarke places the stuff on the portable table, and Lexa smiles happily like a child. Clarke knew the goods she brought would make the older brunette happy.

 

“Is this real food?” Lexa’s voice was still raspy and hoarse, but she was talking at least, and she was able to swallow solid food slowly now unlike the past few days where she could only suck down liquid, and even that it hurt.

 

“A triple decker cheeseburger, all nice and greasy, with twister fries, chicken nuggets and ketchup, and a nice big cup of chocolate milkshake. The good stuff of the gods if I might add.” Clarke smirks as Lexa’s eyes lit up like a thousand stars, and Clarke scooted over to help Lexa sit up slowly in bed.

 

“Abby will kill you if she found out your smuggling the goods into this room.” Lexa frowns, and Clarke kisses her cheeks.

 

“Don’t worry my lady. I locked the doors and closed the curtains. So it buys us time to enjoy the goods. Now, do you want me to feed you or you want to eat on your own?” Clarke jumps onto the bed, having taken off her shoes and sits cross legged, facing Lexa.

 

“As much as I would like to eat on my own and not depend on you all the time, my ribs hurt too much for me to make any crazy movements. Unless its to the bathroom, that I can manage walking there fine.” Lexa groans, and Clarke brings the straw to Lexa’s lips, allowing Lexa to suck up the milkshake.

 

“Oh please. Two days ago, you pouted at me to feed you that disgusting jello and then threatened to throw me out the window if I wasted any of the mushroom soup I brought for you from Jason’s Diner down the street. Admit it, you love me feeding you. Open up!” Lexa pouts again, and Clarke taps her chin, prompting Lexa to open her mouth, and Clarke feeds her a small bite of cheese burger.

 

“Finrr… arrr like you to feed mer…” Lexa chewed, her mouth full of burger and Clarke grinned.

 

“Don’t talk with your mouth full honey. Momma’s orders.” Clarke smirks, and Lexa rolls her eyes at her.

 

“I hate you.” Lexa swallows slowly, and takes another bite of fries instead.

 

“Too bad. Your stuck with me forever missy. Now, I know your dying to get out of this bed, sooooooo… I came up with a dumb idea that will get me kicked out of this hospital, but if your willing, I can get you out for some fresh air.”

 

Lexa stops chewing for a moment and looks at Clarke with a sparkle in her eyes. Having learned over the few days being with Lexa at every of her waking moment, Clarke had understood that she was the type to be reserved, but never liked staying in bed and needed to do something. Lexa had always been on repeat with her life, never sidetracking from her routine ever before Clarke came into the picture, and so it was really heartbreaking to watch Lexa turn cold and withdrawn at times. Sometimes when Clarke stepped out to get some coffee, she came back and saw through the window, how Lexa looked at her bandaged wrists, tears streaming down her face and the pain written in her eyes. Clarke knew Lexa had to be the one to come forward with her problems, her pains, her suffering. Clarke couldn't force her. If she did, Lexa could withdraw from her completely. It was only when Lexa had managed to speak, did she start smiling, as in smiled for the first time in her eyes, the happiness that was written in her eyes, and Clarke knew Lexa still had emotions somewhere inside.

 

So Clarke got to work on making her laugh, joking and reading to her, sneaking her treats when she was able to swallow solids. And today, she had arranged something for Lexa, knowing it would brighten up the woman's world if she got out. Lexa couldn't move much, but she was going to try her best to get her out. And if carrying her was going to do, then it was going to be the only option left.

 

“Where to?” Lexa asked, taking a sip from her milkshake helped by Clarke. Clarke was going to make Lexa smile everyday, and she was going to do it for the rest of her life.

 

“The roof. I sorta called in a favor. And I've got some really thick blankets, and a comfy scarf that I picked up especially for you, since yours was kinda thin for my liking. And a cute little beanie for you too. After we eat of course then I'll kidnap you away, and we have a good hour at least before mom comes back and make her rounds here. Trust me I managed to get the nurses schedule by flirting and asking for a pen. So yeah, we're good. You up for it?” Clarke smiled.

 

“Yes! Please… I hate this place.” Again, came the sullen look on Lexa’s face, seeing that the hospital held bad memories for Lexa, and her mood had changed drastically in seconds.

 

“Hey… it’s okay. Mom said you could leave in three to four days’ time. And you will be back home in your comfy bed and warm loft and have nice warm food ready for you. Okay? Just gotta keep that pretty smile on that face until we get there.” Clarke rubs Lexa’s legs, feeling the smoothness of her skin on her palms.

 

“I woke up alone here without her… they came in and told me she was gone when I woke up. I wasn’t going to see her anymore. I…” Lexa lets a tear fall, and Clarke was quick to wipe it away, bringing Lexa’s face over to face her.

 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it now. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be there okay? All you have to think about now is enjoying this great food, and the little surprise I have for you later, and we can forget about the pains and problems for a later time. One step at a time. You don’t have to tell me either if you don’t want to.” Clarke smiles, making Lexa sigh.

 

“I do want to tell you Clarke… I just… I don’t know how. And yeah… I don’t think I’m ready to.” Lexa leans into Clarke’s touch, and Clarke smiles again.

 

“It’s okay Lexa. We have all the time in the world. Come on, let’s feed that monster stomach of yours.”

* * *

 

 “Clarke, we can't. Abby will kill us.” Lexa states, as Clarke pushed Lexa on the wheelchair towards the elevator.

 

“Trust me. It will be worth it. Besides, weren't you always the sporting one when we were kids? Always trying new things?” Clarke kisses Lexa's head who groaned.

 

“That was you Clarke. Not me. I was far more disciplined than you! You got us into trouble once remember cause you wanted to climb the oak tree. Ended up, you landed on me and I popped my shoulder, Abby forbade us from ever going close to that thing again.” Lexa grumbled.

 

“Oh come on. I slipped and you caught me.”

 

“I should have side stepped if that was the case. It hurts ya know!” Clarke rubbed Lexa's shoulders as if trying to say sorry.

 

Clarke stopped some ways before the elevator, double checking behind her to make sure none of the nurses were around, and that the room Lexa was placed in had the curtains closed and the lights off, making it look like Lexa was asleep before they made their grand escape. Lexa was a strong one no doubt, as Clarke wanted to carry her to the wheelchair, Lexa had stopped her, being the stubborn one she is, and she managed to move with a little help and she sat down huffing, but was better afterwards when she settled and leaned back into the chair. Lexa didn’t like to be seen as weak no doubt, for she was always the independent one and Clarke knew that when she tried to feed Lexa the other day. It was a battle of groans and grunts, Lexa refusing to be fed, but she finally gave in to Clarke once Clarke had convinced that she would only be hurting if she ate on her own.

 

Seeing that the coast was clear, Clarke pushes forward, and to the roof they go. Lexa wondered to herself what Clarke had up her sleeves, and once they exited the doors, Clarke pushed Lexa out and headed towards the edge of the building before stopping. The cold winter air hit like a ton of bricks, and Clarke grabbed the chair nearby, setting it close to Lexa, before she sat down and draped the thick blankets around them, checking to see if Lexa’s beanie was on properly and her scarf was wrapped tightly around her neck to keep her warm.

 

“Okay… why are we up here? If you want to kill me, there’s no need for you to wait to push me off the building.” Lexa states with worry, but Clarke weaves her hand into Lexa’s and rests her head on Lexa’s shoulders.

 

“Relax Lexa. Just enjoy the view in 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.”

 

As Clarke counted down, fireworks lit up the sky of New York City, making the world light up in different colors, and Lexa was wide eye at the sigh before her. The fireworks were all around them, and she couldn’t move much, but she still felt the thrill and the happiness engulf her pained and aching heart. It was a sight to behold. Lexa didn’t remember the last time she had seen fireworks, and it made her feel like a little girl again with her father as they would sit on his old truck and make wishes upon a firework. Lexa never had the chance to see them in a long time.

 

“How…” Lexa asked, her eyes still fixated at the sky.

 

“He was a friend I helped when we were in college and he owes me. He studied pyrotechnics and such so he owns his own firework empire and I asked him to light up the sky as a test for his new system. And since I know you haven’t seen them in a long time when you told me that the other day, I thought to bring you here to watch it. As a little walkabout for some fresh air instead of being cooped up in your room all the time. I know you feel uncomfortable in a hospital so I thought to make it better for you.” Clarke kisses Lexa’s cold cheek, and rest’s her head back down.

 

“Thank you, Clarke… for being a friend.” Lexa says simply.

 

“No Lexa. Thank you… for being you and saving my life.” Clarke looks up at Lexa and gives a warm smile before the smile is returned to her.

 

And so they sat there, making wishes in their own hearts as they watched on, enjoying the warmth of each other’s company as the fireworks continued to fill the night sky. Clarke made her wish before turning to look up at Lexa, who let a tear slip from her eyes as she too made her wish. Clarke didn’t know what it was, but she knew it was hurting Lexa on the inside. Clarke was picking up the pieces of her broken heart slowly, but she didn’t know if the pieces would remain intact when glued together. She wanted Lexa to be free of her suffering, but it was going to take a long time before she could get through. And Clarke made her wish of wanting to love Lexa forever. To make her happy and loved again and hopefully have Lexa open up to her soon enough. Only thing was, Lexa had another intention in mind when she got back home and Clarke didn’t know about it.

 

Lexa was going to make her final decision.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so yes another chapter. Clarke made her promises to Lexa and she's trying to make Lexa happy of course. Its not about the gifts and such for Clarke,, but she wants Lexa to be comfortable seeing that she hates the hospital so much. And the wish Lexa made in her heart is going to be the main problem the next two to three chapters as she is conflicted with what the voices in her head tell her and what her heart wants. Clarke will be there for sure but she would be shaken up by the revelations that come to light as they grow closer together. It's not easy guys, but they will get better. :) see you soon :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Head Vs Heart... who will win? Or will the voices be too much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: SUICIDE AND SELF HARM  
> READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION

Pain. Suffering. Hurt. It was all raging inside her again. The darkness of those walls around her filled her head and her heart. Again, those voices came. Lexa sat on her bed, having been home a week now, and she was feeling the need to cut again. Clarke was smart. But not smart enough. She still kept two knives in her work drawer, calling her name over and over again to use them. To let the cool metal sink deep into her skin. Yes. She would feel so much better when they did. Gripping her still sore ribs that were healing, Lexa walked over to her desk and silently pulled the drawer open, the big metal knife whose blade was big enough to cut the bruised skin open again. Yes. The voices in her head cheered on. Costia’s voice was completely gone now, no longer there to protect her from the onslaught of the other voices that went at her like the ocean waves. Lexa didn’t know who to blame for the cause of her misery. Everyone blamed her, everyone hated her. She remembered back to when she came home from school, the neighbours that lived opposite of her home had called her out on how loud her father was when he screamed in agony at the battles that raged on in his mind, how her mother had tried to calm him down that he was only having nightmares. Lexa then realised she had started her mindless onslaught of voices from then.

 

It only increased when she walked out into her backyard looking for her father, while her mother was at work, and the gun in her father’s hand was loaded, before she yelled at him to stop, and the trigger was pulled, sending a bullet through his head and his body falling limply to the ground. God… there was so much blood, Lexa couldn’t think, she couldn’t move. She only remembered how her knees failed her and she dropped to the ground, crying her lungs out and how her fists had repeatedly hit the grass, not caring about the neighbours beside who yelled at her to keep it quiet. No one ever understood her. No one loved her. Her father left her because she believed he didn’t love her mother and Lexa anymore. Her heart shattered then. As life moved on, her heart broke even more when Clarke hit her, making her understand again, that she was worthless, that she was pathetic just like how the whole group would call her out for being.

 

Then came the backlash from Costia’s family. She couldn’t understand why they had slapped her, spat on her for causing their daughter an early death, blaming her for saving 7 worthless children who meant nothing to them when their daughter could have been alive longer for her to spend the remainder of her days at home with them. They blamed her for robbing them of that privilege. So Lexa blamed herself again. For failing to save the one she loved, for saving innocent children that she knew deserved to be saved despite some of the voices telling her that they weren’t worth it. Then there was her mother. She never saw her around often when her father passed. Their relationship had failed as mother and daughter and Lexa knew it was already at the end of the road between the two of them. So, Lexa wondered why her mother even bothered to come visit her. Maybe perhaps there was still some care in her. But does she really care?

 

The last thing on her mind however was Clarke. The woman who came back for her. The woman who tried to put a smile on her face. She forgave her. But why? Lexa questioned herself. Her father had told her before, there were two sides to a person. One side was the goodness of things while the other was the bad side of their soul. Do you choose to forgive the bad side when the good side of things make an effort to make things better? Or do we hang on to that pain, that guilt, that hurt and the painful memories of the past which will only prevent us from moving forward? Those were the words of a man she once loved and knew. But now, the lines were wavering, and Lexa was wavering in heart. She felt half of her forgive Clarke who was trying to break through to her. But the other half had shut her down. Everyone thought that her life could be salvaged, that she was worth loving. And Lexa deluded herself. She wasn’t worth the save. Even Clarke thought she was pathetic and hopeless. Clarke was lying to her. She was lying to her with her kindness. She didn’t need kindness, or pity or love. She didn’t deserve that privilege.

 

And it came down to a point where Lexa blamed the two people who destroyed her life. Indra and Abby. Clarke had no say due to Abby, for she only wanted to be friends, but her mother and Abby, it killed her so much that her anger took over. How she trashed her room the night Indra came over to the shop to tell her that her own decisions were stripped from her. She was fine alone all that time. But now, all of them had driven her to the edge. Lexa then cut the white strips of gauze that was wrapped around her wrists, and welcomed the scars again. Maybe she should have done what she wanted to do all this time. Lexa got up from the bed and grabbed her keys and the knife, pocketing it in her boots before leaving the room. Clarke was sitting in the living room, papers in hand, not knowing what she was up to but she didn't care. Clarke had been patient and kind to her, and she didn't want her following to stop her from her decisions.

 

Slipping quickly behind her, Lexa made her way to the door when the calm voice she had come to love hearing spoke up. “You can go whenever you want Lexa. I won't kill you for sneaking away you know.”

 

Lexa stopped in her tracks before turning to look at Clarke who was standing some ways from her. “I just… need some fresh air.” Lexa didn't make eye contact with Clarke, fearing she would find out about her secret.

 

“I'm not stopping you Lexa. But, you've been really quiet for the last two weeks and I want to know what's going on with you Lexa. I'm just worried about you. We were fine but ever since you came home, you shut me out. So please, tell me what's wrong. Stop hurting yourself and let me help you…”

 

“I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP! I DON’T NEED ANYONE’S HELP!” Lexa hollers, and Clarke takes a step back.

 

Clarke never anticipated the angry outburst from Lexa and she was petrified beyond hell. If Lexa was riled up, it meant something bad was going to happen. Lexa may be someone who suffers in silence, but with her worked up as such, Clarke feared Lexa might try to do something stupid. Not to mention finding her sneaking out of her room and heading straight for the door. That was really unlike Lexa. Clarke didn't know what to say. She was afraid that any word that left her mouth could cause Lexa to stress herself further and Clarke didn't know what to do at that point of time.

 

“Lexa…”

 

“Just leave me alone Clarke. You’re not my friend and never will be. Nobody will ever be my friend. I… I never should've forgiven you. You and everyone else including mom, Anya and the rest of the world will never ever be. So just go away. Leave me be! Costia died because of me! People hurt me, blame me for everything and I accept it. So why don't you start accepting the fact that this fantasy world that you and I live in doesn't exist! I don't deserve this world just like how I won't deserve the rest of the lifetimes I'll be born in. And I hope I won't ever be born in one again.”

 

Lexa takes off running, leaving a guilt stricken Clarke behind and she bolted towards the elevators. She didn't stop, blocking out Clarke's cries to stop, and when the elevator doors opened, Lexa rushed in and slammed her hands down on the 1st floor button, closing the door on Clarke. She heard the slam from the other side yet Lexa stood there huffing. She didn't want anyone anymore. Not even her dead Costia. She wanted to die. So the pain would end.

 

So that she could be free.

* * *

 

 Clarke slammed the wall beside her countless times. It was her fault. She knew damn well Lexa was a mess inside her own head and her own heart, she should have done something. She thought that by Lexa coming home, she would open up to her. But it only caused the older brunette to hide in her room. The nightmares that plagued her every night, Clarke felt helpless. She tried at times to calm her down during her episodes, only to be pushed away further. Lexa stayed in bed all day and night, Clarke assumed that she was sleeping, but when she found the fresh cuts on her in the morning when she slipped in, Clarke knew she was back to square one with her. Her advances in the hospital had been diminished ever since they had set foot back into the apartment. Clarke wondered if something had happened in the apartment itself that caused Lexa to be as such. She didn't blame Lexa for taking back her words, knowing that Wells had drilled into her that people with depression say things they don't mean to for their head and heart was stating different and feeling different things. Clarke didn't much care, only that she wanted Lexa to be safe.

 

Now that Lexa had run out on her, her ribs weren't healed, Clarke was worried beyond her own life. She wanted to called Abby and Indra, but she knew it would only make matters worse for Lexa had expressed her resentment towards her own mother. After the conversation, she heard between her friends and Indra outside the hospital room that day, she was angry. Angry that her friends didn't get the chance to let off their anger and their hurt towards hurt that she deserved for hurting their friend. They had every right to be angry, yet, Indra and Abby had done the unthinkable and sent them away. At this point of time, the only people that should be asking forgiveness from Lexa was her friends, Clarke and Her mother and Indra. Clarke understood somewhat that they were mostly the cause of her pain, and the other factors that had happened in Lexa's life had brought her to her current state of mind. And now, she didn't care about her own well-being, she just wanted Lexa back home. Safe. So she called the very people she still considered her friends despite their anger towards her.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Raven… please don't hang up.” Clarke pleaded.

 

“Why should I listen to you? Why don't you call Indra and Abby for help? Hmmmm… oh I wait… I forgot, your too much of a coward, aren't you?” Raven seethed with anger over the phone.

 

“Look Raven… I don't have time to go over this okay? I need your help because Lexa ran off. She said she didn't want anyone one of us and the cuts on her wrists just got worse. I have no clue where's she gone or what she plans to do, all I know is that I think she's going to do something really stupid. So please… just put aside your hate for me and help me find her. She's our top priority and chances are she might listen to us as a whole rather me on my own. Please…”

 

Clarke could hear the sigh over the phone from Raven, before she hollered at whoever was in the apartment to get them to get ready.

 

“Fine Clarke. Will help you find her. Only because I still love you as my best friend, and that I know your trying. Have you called Abby and Indra yet?”

 

“No. I don't want them around since Lexa has big issues with her mom, well all of us I'm guessing and I'm afraid that If I call them, it will make things worse. And, do you guys have any clue where she might be?”

 

“Our guesses are as good as yours Clarke. But Anya says she has some place in mind that we could try. Will pick you up in 10.” Raven states as she shuffles around.

 

“Thank you, Rae. I know it's not my place to ask…”

 

“Shut up Griff! Don't get sappy on me now.  We still love you, but we have things to work on for sure. See you.” And Clarke hung up the phone.

 

She prayed that whatever Lexa was going to do, they weren't too late to stop it.

* * *

 

 The bridge was cool, the snow blanketing the river but the water still gushing as it is. Lexa sat on the edge, her legs dangling of the face of the earth, and her eyes shut. Multiple voices filled her head, and the tears streaked down her face. Life had taken its toll on her and Lexa wanted to give up now. She had cut a tad too deep in both her wrists, and she could feel the life force in her draining slowly. She would be dead in an hour or two the slow way. She wanted to feel the pain of everything, of all her mistakes and her failures. How she failed to save Costia, how she failed to save Clarke from not sticking with her and being her friend, her lover perhaps, her friends whom have drifted away from her, Anya, especially, and then the hate towards her mother, for forcing her to make decisions that weren't on her own terms, her own way and will. How she failed to bring Costia home to her parents because of her selfishness of not being able to let her go when Costia told her to be happy. Everything was messed around in her head and Lexa wanted it to end. Her thoughts ran back to the night her father sat in their back yard with a gun in hand, telling her how much he loved her as his favourite little girl, and that he would always love her even in death.

 

And he shot himself, his eyes trained on hers, and Lexa felt her world crumble to the crumble to the ground. How she had tried to give her condolences to Clarke when her own father passed, only to be pushed away. She knew Clarke was grieving, and she understood. But it hurt her so that she couldn't even help her. She couldn't even help herself. Yet Clarke, was trying her best to help her be better. But she couldn't. She didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve love. She lost that chance and the will the day her father died. Lexa let herself fall backwards, laying down on the cold ground, staring up at the sky.

 

Soon… it will all be over.

* * *

 

 “So you she tried to sneak out behind you, and you caught her doing it, and then she got defensive when you said that she could go as she pleased?” Anya tried to clarify.

 

“Yes. She did that, took off running when she screamed at me saying that she doesn't deserve anything and she left running. I know she keeps that knife with her in that drawer of hers. If I took it away, I was afraid she might do something stupid and perhaps even murder me in my sleep for Christ sake.” Clarke sighs.

 

“Jesus… and here we thought she was just shutting all of us out to heal. Apparently not.” Octavia states from the back of the car.

 

“I don’t know guys… she has this look in her eyes like she’s fighting something internally. I mean I’ve kept out of her way ya know? So that I don’t cause her to go ape shit mad. But the look in her eyes earlier… it was so gone, so dead, and she just… I don’t know, killed herself inside that she looks like she doesn’t have the will to live anymore guys. What am I supposed to do guys?”

 

“First thing’s first Clarke, we find her and stop her from doing something stupid, and then we send her to a bloody medical facility. If she’s already on the brink like that then might as well we send her to one to get her some help. We will find her Clarke, we will.” Anya said with determination.

 

Anya knew somewhat where Lexa might have gone too. The accident on the bridge that killed Costia. Anya knew Lexa was bound to go there. Lexa was never herself again when she came out of that accident. Not that she ever was okay… but she was at least living life. She was at least socializing with people before she locked herself in her shop. Anya couldn’t blame Clarke entirely, for she had heard the stories and such from everyone else when she met Raven, and then again, this has been building up inside of her for a very long time. Lexa was never one to share her feelings and her past with others, and if Clarke had failed to extract anything from her best friend, she knew Lexa was already in a deep dark hole. At times, Costia herself when she was still alive had confided in Anya about Lexa building walls so high, she had a hard time getting through to her.

 

Costia herself couldn’t get through to some parts of Lexa, perhaps only a fraction of it and Anya knew Lexa had been dealing with thing inside of her that no one could ever pry out. Indra was no better, having spent less time with her daughter since her husbands crazed passing and she spent more time at work than at home for her daughter as what Raven described it to be. Lexa had lost herself at the age of 15 and she never came back. The beautiful, hard ass of a smart geek who could have every boy and girl drop dead because of her beauty, but all that was lost in the abyss. Now here they were driving through the city towards the bridge where Costia’s parents had dumped her ashes, blaming Lexa for their daughter’s death when she was still in the hospital, and that if they ever saw her at their daughter’s grave, they would kill her.

 

“Hurry Anya! We don’t have much time.” Raven states as she rubs her arms up and down.

 

Everyone in the car was guilty. Clarke was the worse in terms of her guilt. They hadn’t seen the tell-tale signs of Lexa losing her mind and because most of them stayed away, the guilt that ate at them for not trying to get through to her made them realize what a lonely world it had been for Lexa. Reaching the bridge, Anya parks the car at the side and all four-woman made their way out of the car.

 

“Where do we look?” Octavia asks, wrapping herself up from the cold.

 

“We spilt up. Raven, Anya, you two take the opposite side of the bridge, Octavia and I will take this side. The faster we find her the better. Holler when you find her. If what Anya says is true, that Lexa is bound to be on this bridge somewhere. Find her, and bring her home and we can get her some help.” Clarke states, and everyone nods their head in agreement before splitting up.

 

“Do you think we will make it on time?” Octavia asks in a quiet tone.

 

“I hope so. She’s our friend just as much we are hers. Despite all the mistakes, I just want her home safe. Even if it means the death of me.” Clarke states as they look around.

 

“Don’t say that Clarke… we were angry but we knew you weren’t you then. We just needed someone to take the blame for it and we did that by taking it out on you instead of helping you and being there for you.” Octavia says, regret in her tone.

 

“I don’t blame you O. Neither Raven or Anya. I did some pretty shitty things I wasn’t fond off. I knew it was wrong but Finn held a knife to my throat and I should have listened to Raven, and not have fallen for his good looks. It was my mistake and I bear it alone. I don’t need you guys to forgive me for it. The choices I made hurt the one person whom I could have been happy with a long time ago and I have to make up for it on my own.”

 

“I’m sorry Clarke. Truly.”

 

“Let’s just find Lexa and we can all go home.”

 

Octavia nods her head and they continued onwards, checking every space and opening they could see or find. It was so cold, Clarke wondered how Lexa was surviving since she left in only her long shirt and jeans. She must be freezing. Just then, Clarke hears Raven holler from the other side of the road and Clarke looked over, before dashing across the road without even looking at the traffic going by. What drove her into an adrenaline rush was when her eyes fell on Lexa’s figure standing at the edge of the platform on the other side, and she could see Anya desperately pleading for Lexa not to jump.

 

“Lexaaa… please don’t do this. There are people who still cares for you. I care, Raven, Octavia, Luna… Clarke loves you for heaven’s sake. Don’t throw it all away because of the darkness Lexa.” Anya pleaded, tears forming in her eyes.

 

“I… don’t want to live… I don’t deserve it…” Lexa says without looking behind her.

 

“Lexa! Remember the oak tree? Remember what we promised? You promised with me that we would love each other forever. That we sealed our promise with our kiss. That one day we would be together. Remember when your dad and my dad were laughing with us, smiling, kissing our heads, telling us how beautiful life is… please Lexa, don’t throw it all away.”

 

Raven gasped as she pointed to Lexa’s hand, blood dripping from them, and Clarke looked at Anya who was trying desperately to get over the railing. Clarke followed suit and the two of them stopped where they were, Lexa turning around slowly to look at them, her eyes so dead and gone, her tears streaming endlessly down her face.

 

“Dad is gone. Costia is gone… I hate myself… how can I live when the voices in my head that never stop? They hate me too. I would rather die than live with them in my head.” Lexa whispered, making Clarke take a step closer.

 

“Then let me end it for you Lexa… let me die for you and take the pain away. Let me help you by jumping off that edge and end your suffering forever.” Clarke pleaded, taking another step closer.

 

Anya stared at Clarke in horror, along with Raven and Octavia who were desperately calling 9-1-1 and the ambulance. Lexa was freakishly pale, and losing blood from her wrists. They were surprised she hadn’t bled out to her death right there and then. Clarke was crying, willing to do anything for Lexa right now, and if her jumping of the bloody platform would do it, then she would.

 

“I’m sorry Clarke… I’m sorry…” Lexa’s last tear falls. And Lexa stepped backwards, her leg falling off and she immediately goes off the edge. The screams that filled the cold night air came, and Anya rushes to the edge, watching as Lexa crashes into the freezing cold water below. Clarke didn’t hesitate. If tonight was the end, then the end it was.

 

Clarke jumped off the platform.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Kay don't kill me just yet, I always plan things out and I would never ever kill my beloved Clexa. I may be a bitch but not bitchy enough to cause death. But anyways, this is Lexa's ultimate decision to end her life because she can't stand the voices in her head any longer. Every single misery she's had, she doesn't feel love anymore. So for the next chapters to come, Lexa will heal and she will get back to her old self with patience and love. And Clarke would be the one to help :) this is the end most probably of the angst, a touch or two in future, but this is the end of the worst of it. SO relax, see you guys next chapter :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is the cure to everything.

Clarke huffed and shivered violently as the paramedics pulled her out of the water. Everything was a blur. Cops were there, paramedics were running around and everything was chaos. Clarke didn’t know how long she had been in the water. All she knew was that Lexa didn’t move, didn’t breathe, and that death loomed over her. Clarke felt numb due to the cold, and she didn’t even feel the paramedics stripping her down out of her wet clothes. But her eyes were concentrated on the body closer to the edge of the river. Lexa wasn’t there. Her body and soul separated from each other as they tried to revive her. They tried to warm her up, wrapping her wrists up as the continued to pump her chest. Clarke prayed it wasn’t too late. She couldn’t watch, yet her eyes remained glued to the woman who had turned a tint of blue, her life force gone from her. They had to get her to the hospital. She was placed in the back of the first ambulance, and Lexa was rushed into the second one beside. Her view was cut off and Clarke started crying.

 

Her teeth chattered with the cold, being laid back down on the gurney as they hooked her up. Clarke didn’t know what the hell she was thinking when she jumped after Lexa. The cold would have killed them within 15 minutes if not heated up.

 

But she just couldn’t let Lexa die. Lexa was too precious, to beautiful and kind, and loving. That girl existed inside the chaos, and that she only needed to be rescued from its depths. Clarke remembered the icy cold river piercing her skin, and Lexa floated in the water despite the darkness, and Clarke cried out for her. Lexa was so so gone, and Clarke felt her heart break. Why was the world so cruel to her? What has Lexa ever done to deserve so much pain? Before the door closed on her own ambulance, Raven and Anya jumps in, and Clarke sees their guilt-ridden faces, she too cries. Octavia had gone back to the car and told them that she would be picking Luna up and would meet them there.

 

“What the hell were you thinking Clarke? You could have died! Both of you could have died.” Raven sobbed, her hand shifting to grip Clarke’s.

 

“I had to Rae… she was so cold… so gone. I can’t let her go. I never could. I made a promise to keep her safe and protect her with all my life Rae. I’m sorry. But I had too. If we waited, god knows what would happen…” Anya ran her fingers through her hair and patted Clarke’s leg after.

 

“She’s gonna live Clarke. For as crazy as you are… she’s going to make it. She’s a fighter. She always has been. But first, we need you to just take it easy okay?” Raven spoke softly, clearly on the verge of losing her cool, and Clarke nodded her head, laying back down as the paramedics worked their way around her.

 

Clarke could feel the heat returning to her bones, feeling safe and sound. After everything that happened, her pulling Lexa along and swimming back to shore, the cops and paramedics were already on standby, and some had even swum out to her thanks to Raven and Octavia’s quick thinking to call them, they were rescued out of the water quickly. But Clarke was worried. No one knew about Lexa’s condition, let alone if she was still alive or dead, she couldn’t bare that thought. Not in a million years. She would never stop fighting for her. She would never give up on her. Only now that Lexa had lost a lot of blood, and had been in the water a little longer than Clarke, she was afraid of Lexa developing hypothermia. Fuck… she wasn’t even wearing anything warm to begin with when she left the apartment. Clarke relaxed as they reached the hospital.

 

God… please save Lexa.

* * *

 

 “What the hell is taking so long? Fuck!” Raven crushed her small cup of water and threw it in the bin nearby.

 

“They are doing the best they can Raven. Lexa is in a far worse state than Clarke. As least Clarke is resting now. Lexa were just going to have to wait patiently.” Luna states as she cradles Octavia in her arms.

 

“This is all our fault. We should have been there. We should have done something.” Raven paced back and forth.

 

“Like what Rae? Forcing Lexa to see someone to get her help? You know we can’t force someone to do something, especially if the person who is depressed doesn’t want help at all. You know that.” Anya raises her voice slightly.

 

“Fuck Anya. She would have at least been better. Rather than her suffering on her own. I bet you didn’t even know what the hell was going on inside her head or her heart for that matter and we didn’t help Clarke at all. Fuck! What kind of friends are we? Clarke wanted our help and we sent her away because our stupidity and our anger got the best of us, when Clarke was trying to get through to Lexa. Fuck!” Raven almost hollered at her words, earning glares from the nurses around.

 

“So what, it’s all our fault now we didn’t do anything? I’ve tried and tried for months to get through to her Raven. You tried, Luna tried. Don’t even start with Indra on me. That woman has only ever pressured her to her ends wit because of her. And now, what? Clarke already blames herself enough for this. But Lexa didn’t want help at all. So what was I supposed to do huh? What were we supposed to do?” Anya hollered back.

 

Luna sighed at the side, knowing this argument would go on and on. She knew that they had to take the blame for something. Clarke already had hers with Lexa, and they too had their own. Costia was their friend too. She was getting better slightly when the two of them used to hang out together with their friends. Lexa had her episodes, and Costia tried to remain strong for her. Lexa had a good heart, and she could love someone so direly, that was the Lexa they knew. She could give the world so much love, but she never got any in return. They knew Lexa was a broken person inside, they just didn’t try hard enough to get Lexa to out it. Raven felts guilty. They all did. Clarke did the most selfless thing any one of them could have never done. That part on the bridge there, despite all the shits of life has ever done, Clarke had risked her own life to jump off into the water below and save Lexa’s life. That was true love.

 

Clarke was willing to give up her life to end Lexa’s suffering and they out casted their friend because of the past. Just as the two women before her were about to go at it again, Wells Jaha exits the elevator down the hall and rushes over to them. Anya and Raven turned to look at him before they sighed and separated.

 

“What happened?” Wells asks as he stops to look at the four women.

 

“Lexa went off the bridge. Cut her wrists and tried to kill herself by committing suicide. Clarke jumped after her. Clarke’s okay. She’s sleeping in the room but Lexa is still radio silence on her condition.” Raven said quietly.

 

“Jesus Christ.” Wells ran his fingers through his hair and sighed.

 

“Wells… we are sorry. For not being a better friend to Clarke. And thank you, for being there for Clarke when we were being idiots.” Anya said.

 

“I’m not the one you should be saying sorry to you know? The one you should be saying sorry to is Clarke. And Lexa. Come on guys. Clarke may have been a dick, abused her. I'm not saying what she did was right, but she didn't want or like doing it. And she suffered for it. We as friends are to be their pillar of support. Not putting all the blame on her. Fuck, if shit like that ever happened to me, yeah sure I’ll try my best to forgive. But Clarke has been so patient, so loving and caring, I saw the old her when we were young come back. And she didn’t even try to get Lexa to forgive her. She just wanted her to be happy.” Wells explains.

 

“God… how blind we were.” Octavia states.

 

“Clarke will come around. She loves you guys too much.” Wells smiles.

 

Before the convention could continue, Dr. Tsing approached everyone. Her eyes looked glum, and they knew nothing good was going to come out of her mouth. “I'm guessing your all here for Lexa Woods?” She asked.

 

“How is she? I know were not family but please… tell us.” Anya begged.

 

Dr. Tsing sighed. “Her injuries are bad. Her ribs that were healing have bruised even more due to the way her body crashed into the water. Hypothermia had set in by the time we got her to the hospital and so she remains in critical condition. Due to her wrists injuries, she lost a lot of blood and we had to do a blood transfusion for her to replace the blood she's lost. Seeing that her Mother isn't here yet, I will let you know when we will be transferring her to a medical center. If the reports from Clarke and the police is confirmed, she's deemed unstable and is a harm to her own self, she will be sent to the medical center whereby she will receive treatment there.”

 

“Meaning you guys are claiming that she's crazy in the head? Insane?”

 

“No. Those are mental institutions that people with problems that can cause harm to others are sent too. Those who do not fit in with society. Those who already can’t be saved. The medical center is a place for those such as her case to help her heal in which therapy will help to overcome her depression. Sort of like a place for people who has drug problems but in this case, it's for those suffering from depression. Seeing that Clarke is her fiancé, I believe it's the best course of action for her and that I believe all of you should be on board with the idea as well.”

 

Everyone nodded their heads, agreeing that Lexa should be given the best care possible.

 

“When can we see her?”

 

“She's being transferred to a room right now. So, I will come and get two of you first before the rest can take turns. As for now, I'll have a word with Ms. Griffin and then you may all see her as well.” Everyone nodded in thanks.

 

“Well guys. At least it's something better than nothing.” Wells said as he sat back down on the chair.

 

“Yeah. You're right. It's time for her to heal. Both of them.”

* * *

 

 “What I'm saying is Clarke, she needs help. You denied me that the last time and now look what happened. I'm not saying it's your fault, but she needs a place to heal and by sending her to the medical center, she can be monitored, go for therapy sessions and when she's deemed fit to be released, she will be able to go home. It's the only option I have for her.”

 

“Okay. Okay. I'm fine with it. Just… let Abby and Indra know about this. I'm not her spouse and therefore the decision lies with them. But yes… I will want her to heal. As much as possible. How is she? Honestly?” Clarke rubs her chin, sitting on her bed.

 

“As I told the others… she’s in critical condition due to the loss of blood and the hypothermia that set in. We’re keeping an eye out for her. Ribs are bruised and we had to wrap her chest up tight. She’ll make it Clarke. Just be patient.” Dr. Tsing assured Clarke.

 

“Thank you. Can I see her?”

 

“Yes. She’s only two doors down. Take all the time you need.”

 

Clarke nodded her head and Dr. Tsing left the room. Clarke let out a sigh of relief. Lexa wasn’t out of the danger yet, but if she made it, they were going to send her to a medical center to help her. She needed to be saved. Clarke wondered how Lexa would react if she found out she was still alive when she came around. The pain and the death in her eyes said how much she wanted to die. Yet, during her last moments, Clarke a glint in her eye, as if wanting her to save her, to help her, yet she fell backwards over the ledge into the water below. Clarke wondered what went through Lexa’s head at that point of time. If she felt anything at all. Clarke knew her love for Lexa was true then. She loved her. She always had. She just deluded herself on them being friends. Clarke loved her so much that she wanted to end Lexa’s misery.

 

She wanted to take back everything she ever did. Go back in time and save her much broken soul. And perhaps now, they could have been together just like her dad predicted. They would have a nice house, with kids, and just the two of them growing old together and being able to live life like normal couples do. She would have proposed to Lexa in the cheesiest way possible, shown her what love is. Loved her unconditionally. But for now, for now Clarke thought, Lexa needed to love herself first before being able to let someone love her. And Clarke would wait. She would wait and be there for her when she could. Clarke made that vow. And she vowed to love her even in death.

 

So, Clarke stood up and walked out of the room, the rest of her friends were down in the hallway talking, and Clarke took the opportunity to go over to Lexa’s room. Taking a deep breath and opening the door quietly, Clarke’s heart broke at the sight before her. Lexa was pale, all so very pale, her olive skin having changed to a slight blue, and the room was warmer than her room, than the hospital hallway. Her body was wrapped up in thick blankets, and her breathing was still so shallow, the nurse in the corner of the room was checking her out for any other abnormalities. Monitors were surrounding her and a tube stuck down her throat. Oh Lexa… Clarke sits on the edge of her bed, using her index finger to trace Lexa’s hand, afraid that if she held it, she would break it into a million pieces.

 

“Hey there Lexi… I miss you. Please come back to us. I can’t stand to see you hurt like this. I’ve always deluded myself for years, thinking that my love for you was just a puppy load of feelings. But I was wrong. I’ve always loved you. And never stopped loving you. You deserve the world Lexa. I don’t know how I ever tell you how much I loved you every single day. Being away from you for years, I always thought of you. I’m sorry for not being able to save you back then. I’m sorry for hurting you. And I will gladly die for you every day if I have to. Just don’t leave me all alone in this world. I can’t live like that. Not when I always knew you were the one for me. I… I love you Lexa. With all my heart. So please… come back to me and keep that promise we made to each other. I love you and I plan to keep my promise. Come back…”

 

Clarke let the tears fall, bending over to kiss Lexa’s palms, before moving up to kiss her forehead. Lexa, her beautiful loving Lexa, was going to be better. She had to be. She couldn’t live without her. And that’s when she placed the soft loving kiss on Lexa’s lips, sealing her promise forever.

 

Again.

* * *

 

 “You can’t be serious about this? My daughter is not crazy. She can’t be placed in a medical center. She’s depressed for crying out loud. Can’t she just go home like a normal person and go for therapy like everybody else?” Indra hollered.

 

“She had that chance when we released her two weeks ago. But she is a danger to herself. If Lexa was to stay in a medical center, she can heal, have the sessions needed for them to help her and be able to heal better. She will get her own room, her own things, and she can relax and heal there. We have the best doctors there that can look after her, and she can return whenever she is deemed fit to. Your daughter tried to commit suicide in which she would be dead by now if Ms. Griffin hadn’t jumped in after her. As a professional, I am asking you to sign the papers for us to get her admitted and let her heal on her own terms. If that was my daughter, I would do it.”

 

Dr. Tsing raised her voice at Indra. Abby and her had just arrived, and Abby had received a full diagnostic on Lexa’s condition, and all of her years in medical practice, she knew her colleague was right. The best option for Lexa was the medical center and she would be well taken care off. Abby had wanted to speak to Clarke, but because her best friend was throwing a fit at Lorelei, she had to stand there and ensure that the two of them could remain civil with each other. Lexa and Indra had always butted heads, never seeing eye to eye, and she knew how stubborn both woman could be at times. It was in her head that Indra and Lexa had at least managed to be on civil terms, but she was so wrong. Indra had lost herself and her daughter, and Abby knew she was going to receive the same thing from Clarke. Only thing about Clarke was that she did love herself enough to be able to move on in life.

 

Lexa was broken before she could even live life. Standing there watching the two of them going at each other, and Abby lost her cool. “Enough!” Indra and Lorelei stopped. “Both of you are acting like children. Indra, you’re my friend and all but I think Lexa deserves the best option and they should admit her into the medical center. It will help her. She’s not insane Indra. She’s just lost in a sea of helplessness. She doesn’t know what feelings are anymore because she’s kept them in there for so long that she doesn’t know or perhaps is unable to distinguish between pain and love is anymore Indra. If Clarke was in her kind of state, I would send her there to help her heal. Please Indra… we already made mistake by forcing her into something she shouldn’t have needed, and we gave her no choice but to marry Clarke because of our own selfish reasons when we should have looked out for her. You and I know that. Come on…” Abby reasoned.

 

Indra sighed. “Your right… it was our fault. Fine… I’ll sign the papers for her to be transferred over. When will she be admitted there?”

 

“As soon as she stabilizes and wakes up. We will have her admitted. The nurses and doctors there can help her. They are trained for her kind of situation and will be able to help her better than us here.” Lorelei states.

 

“yeah okay. We can do that.” Indra sighs, knowing that she and Abby had made tons of mistakes, and now, they had to do what was best for both their daughters.

 

“You’re doing the right thing for her Indra. You know that.” Abby places her hand on her shoulders.

 

“I know. I just wished I could turn back time and set things right. If only I had known how much my daughter had been hurting, I would have done something about it.”

 

“We can’t go back and undo the past. But we can work towards the future and ensure that Lexa gets better. That all of us get better.”

 

“Your right. We can.”

* * *

 

 Clarke stood at the window, watching as they loaded Lexa into the ambulance below. Indra and her mother were there below, making sure everything was arranged and well on the way. The doctors had suggested that Lexa be isolated as off now, having woken up screaming, and the nurses had to sedate her back to sleep. It had been a week since Lexa had woken up, only to be drugged back to sleep because of her panic attacks and nightmares. None of them were allowed to see her, afraid that by seeing them could trigger something in Lexa and make her violent or hurt herself. Lexa was still asleep as they loaded her in carefully, where none of them would be able to see her for the months to come, depending on her recovery period. Clarke hadn’t spoken to her own mother or Indra, anger in her veins as she overheard the conversation between her mother and Indra about getting rid of Lexa’s apartment and shop. It wasn’t their decision to make and Clarke had thrown a fit at the two of them for making things worse.

 

If they were to sell the apartment and everything in it, Lexa could be angry, or probably head back to square one again that her things had been taken. Clarke knew better than to mess with her stuff. Lexa already had issues with her about it. And Clarke didn’t want to do anything until Lexa made the decision on her own to clean out the things she wanted and didn’t want. Raven and the gang stood on each of her side, hugging each other as Clarke wiped a tear from her face. She loved Lexa no doubt, but watching her go like that, she was going to miss her. To return home to her empty apartment and revel in her smell in her bedroom.  Clarke made a promise to Lexa, before they took her away, that she would run her business, care for her home and keep it the way it was. And she had planned out everything she was going to do while Lexa was gone, to ensure that Lexa had something for her to return to when she came home one day.

 

Even though her heart ached, she knew it was for the best, for Lexa to come back to herself and not beat herself up on the inside anymore. For Lexa to open up to people again and for her to rid away the voices in her head and to stop hurting herself in order to feel something. Maybe she would make a friend or two there, and be happy again. Maybe if Lexa found someone to love her there, Clarke would be happy to walk away. To let her be happy again was all Clarke wished for in her life. For Lexa to have a smile on her face again, for her to laugh again and smile like the stars in the dark sky. And Clarke would be able to live happy again. As the ambulance shut the doors, Clarke placed her hand on the cold window, hoping and praying that Lexa would get better. She whispered one last wish, and that was for Lexa to see the light again, hoping the next time she saw her, she would be the happy girl she fell in love with when they were young. To maybe see Lexa again at the old oak tree, marrying the person she would fall in love with in future and have a family with them. Clarke blew a silent kiss before dropping her hands to her side and watched the ambulance disappear from sight slowly. And if Lexa could perhaps love her back in future, Clarke would wait.

 

And will forever be waiting until the day Lexa comes back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Since all of you almost died or perhaps have died with what I written, I promised I would upload quickly to kill your pain. Moving on from this chapter, we are going to have a time jump fast forward, and of course we will get a glimpse of how everyone is doing. And Clexa will be reunited I promise :) everything about everyone will be explained next chapter. And I promise, no more angst :D


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe love was the cure all along.

2 months later…

The cupcake shop was quiet today for Clarke. She was usually busy on weekdays but today was one of the quietest ones she's had in a while. Not that she didn't complain but it was better. She remembered after taking a baking class for a week, and eventually opening up the week after, the regular customers would come by and purchase their orders and when it got busy, Clarke would have to call Wells to come down and help her out. Clarke has been doing good, keeping herself busy and painting again on walls that she's purchased, happy as the world could be. She's been hanging out with her friends more and they had patched up their relationship as well. The only relationship she never patched up with was with Indra and her mother. She hadn't been in contact with them since the day Lexa was sent away, and not a day goes by that she wasn't thinking about her. She missed her honestly. It was different not having her around. But Clarke knew it was for a good cause. Lexa was getting the help she needed and that was enough for her to wait for the older brunette to come home.

She never got anything from Lexa, even a single call or letter, and she knew it would take time for her to heal with the proper help. All she could do was keep the store going, and keep her work alive for the time being. She didn't make cupcakes as great as Lexa's, but it was something for her to do. The medical center itself hadn't allowed anyone to see her, and she wondered if one of them stopped by, would she have a relapse or try to kill herself again. She remembered the time in the hospital, when Lexa woke up screaming, begging to let her die, and her heart broke at that thought of seeing Lexa in such a state. They sedated her countless times because they couldn't calm her down, and when they took her away, they had to put her to sleep to have an easier time to transfer her over. Clarke would sometimes visit the wall she painted fir Lexa, the big old oak tree drawing and reminisce about their time as kids, wondering if Lexa still thought about it while she was away. Clarke didn't know, and all she did was wait until the phone in front of her rang.

“L.W Cupcakes, Clarke Griffin speaking.”

“Good Afternoon Ms. Griffin. Is this a convenient time to speak to you?” The voice asked.

“Yes. How may I help you?”

“I'm calling from Vermont Medical Centre. My name is Becca Pramheda and I'm one of the head therapists here. I was wondering if I could talk to you about Lexa Woods?”

Clarke's heart stopped. Her thoughts immediately went rampant, citing all the possibilities that could be coming through to her over the phone. All the what ifs and all the how’s would come through that Clarke couldn't accept? What if Lexa had killed herself? Clarke was afraid. For the first time in two months, she was truly afraid.

“Is she okay?” Clarke's voice came out small.

“Oh yes she is. Sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound as if something happened to her. She's perfectly fine. As you know, our place works to help patients such as her, and of course we want the best for her. I've been working with her for the past two months and she's been making very promising progress. However, my call today to you is to incorporate you Ms. Griffin into her life again. I have spoken as well with her if she would like to meet you and she's willing to have a visit from you. Are you free to come down for two hours today? She doesn't know you’re coming but I would like to spend some time talking to you. Would you be okay with that? If you don't have any other obligations?”

“Sure. Ummm give me an hour and I'll be over?”

“That would be great. When you reach the front desk, just ask for Becca and the receptionist will come and get me.”

“Sure thing. Thank you. So much.”

“Nothing to worry about. Goodbye.”

Clarke placed the phone back on the receiver and screamed. She wasn't screaming about stress. She was screaming with happiness. Lexa was better. Lexa was okay. She wanted to see Clarke and Becca, she was going to help get them to move forward. Two months of praying and waiting had paid off. Clarke was happy. She was laughing and screaming so loud, she didn't care if the whole of New York heard her. Lexa was okay.

“Jesus Woman! What the hell is wrong with you?” Raven’s voice fills the shop, and Clarke stops abruptly.

“Lexa! It's Lexa!” Clarke laughed and jumped around, making Raven perk up an eyebrow.

“Lexa what? Is she okay? How is she? What happened?” Raven pestered and Clarke ran over to her and hugged her.

“Lexa's therapist called. Said she was doing very well. And said that she wanted me to come over not just to visit her but help her bring us back together one by one. God Raven! Finally! I'm so happy.” Clarke laughed even more, smiling away.

“I told you, didn't I? She's gonna be fine. Just got to give her time for your lover girl. Damn… what a relief. Anya sure is gonna throw a party for New York when she hears about this. What about Abby and Indra? She called them?”

“I don't think so. She only asked me to come down. What am I going to say to her when I see her Rae? I mean it's going to be different now and I don't know what to do around her? Or say! Oh my god…”

Raven smacks Clarke across the head and shakes her head. “You for one, go change clothes. You smell like cupcakes. Two, you are going to go over, see what this therapist lady has to say and when you see her, you are going to hug her, kiss her like no tomorrow and tell her how much you love her. Then I don't know. I think just follow what she had to say hah! But I'm happy for you Clarke. She's finally getting better. And I wouldn't ask for a better person to take care of her and love her.” Raven hugs Clarke again with tears in her eyes.

“Thanks Rae. It means a lot to me. I don't know what I'll do without you.” Clarke pulls away and looks at her Best Friend.

“Hey… I know you love Lexa and despite the past, you've always been good for her Clarke. And if getting her to be better by starting with her opening up to you before the rest of us, I think it's a good start. At least then she'll have you to remain grounded. And make sure to send me a fucking invitation card when you two idiots decide to get married.” Raven winks and Clarke laughs.

“Don't worry about that yet. Let me get her home first and then we can think about other stuff.”

“Yeah yeah. Get going you moron. She's waiting for ya.”

Clarke cheers before heading upstairs to get changed.

* * *

 

Clarke drove into the parking lot of the medical center, Christmas lights surrounded the place giving it a homely feel with the decorations and the trees surrounding the place. Christmas was two weeks away and plenty of families were there for those patients who were admitted at the center. Clarke knew instantly it was the right call for them to send Lexa out here to get her the help she needed. Parking her car in the open spot, Clarke exits into the cold winter air, plenty of people around while others remained inside. Clarke took a second to look around and found the entrance to the B- Wing of the center, having called Becca again and requested for the building name since she came across it on the website looking for the address.

Clarke waded her way over, brushing the snow off herself at the entrance before entering the front doors and she was met with the kind receptionist. “Looking for Becca? Name is Clarke Griffin and she called me over here to meet up.”

“Of course, Ms. Griffin. Becca is expecting you in the room to your left. First door.” Clarke smiled and thanked the receptionist before heading towards the door.

Clarke's heart was beating out of her chest, clearly for reasons unknown, afraid that if she opened that door, her world would come crashing down. Her Lexa, wouldn't be there like they said she would be. That Lexa had mysteriously disappeared without a trace for she had killed herself again. No… Clarke didn't know what to think. She felt so much various emotions, she didn't know which one to pick out of the crowd. But Clarke knocked on the door anyway, bracing herself for the conversation to come, and in she went. Clarke for the first time, saw the therapist before her eyes, and she recognised this woman before in a newspaper. Her work had been successful in helping depressed patients through therapy and became a well-known psychiatrist and the best in her field.

“You must be Clarke Griffin. It's a pleasure to finally meet you.” The dark hair woman stands up, and Clarke reaches out her hand to shake hers before taking a seat before the good doctor.

“The pleasure is mine. So, how is Lexa doing?”

“Ah straight to the point I see. Lexa has been doing considerably well since the day she was transferred here. It wasn't easy at first of course, we had to tie her down to the bed because of the reports that came from Dr. Tsing that she woke up screaming and yelling and we didn't want her to hurt herself. You should know that she's not crazy Ms. Griffin. She's just in a dark place that's all.” Becca spoke with care and concern.

“Yeah…” Clarke nods and gives a sad smile.

“However, I must say, she wasn’t easy to talk to at first. The first week she was recovering in the room, she cried, and yelled and begged that someone ended her life. The nights I spent trying to force her out of the voices in her head was a challenge no doubt, but the one thing that caught my attention instantly was when she mentioned your name during her episodes. She screamed saying you don’t deserve someone like her and that your love for her was misplaced. She didn’t deserve love. So, I focused on those points, using specific names that she comes up with, such as Wells, Raven and Anya were the more prominent ones that she had used. At first, I thought she had imaginary friends, but I dismissed it when she spoke out to me one day. That was the third week she was admitted here. She's told me a lot of things after I coaxed her out into it and from there we were able to help her. And the reason I called you over and not anyone else was because you were somewhat part of her in a woman who was fractured and broken from life's events that occurred to her over the years she was tormented with these issues in her head. The feeling of giving up and the pain from losing people in her life. And I wanted her to start living life as she should be with the one person she has ever loved. That is, you Clarke.”

“But why me? I hurt her. I did things to her I shouldn't have done in the first place because of my own stupidity and cowardness.” Clarke sighs with guilt. She knew she had a part to play in Lexa being in her state and she couldn’t just accept the fact that everything was that simple. She learnt that the hard way to earn a persons forgiveness.

“Tell me Clarke, do you really think that you were the main reason she descended into darkness?” Becca perks up an eyebrow at her.

“She got hurt because of me. I bullied her in high school when I should have been a friend and stood up for. When I knew I loved her since we were kids yet I was too much of a coward to say anything and help her. I chased her away when my father passed even with all the shit I did to her, she tried to be a friend for me but I pushed her away. And now years later, I'm still hurting her because my mother and hers forced us into an arrangement that only drove her insane.” Clarke shouted, and Becca only smiled.

“Now that's where you're wrong Clarke. She told me about how you outed her for the cuts on her wrists. She told me how she remembered your hands wrapped around her in the water before she passed out. She knew that you came for her and she knew you would be guilty. But you see Clarke, it works both ways. You feel guilty because of what happened to her, and she feels guilty for putting people's lives in danger. She feels guilty for the death of a woman she did love and only for life to take its course and she was left with no choice. You are not the cause of her pain, merely just a passing phase in her life Clarke. One in which she will never forget for her feelings for the people that love her never died. She just switched it off. Because she thought that by being selfish and wanting to spend the last moments with a dying lover, she was blamed for it. That bridge she jumped off was the bridge she had an accident on. It wasn't her fault; the roads were icy and the bus driver fell asleep at the wheel. Because she had a heart and she loved that woman, she listened to her last wishes, knowing that her lover, was bound to go sooner or later. She saved 7 lives that night Clarke. But lost one. The cuts on her wrists was for her to remind herself that those were the last wishes of a woman she loved. It's a wrong way to go about remembering someone, but it was a way she thought would rid her of her pain. She did it to punish herself. You Clarke, didn't know because she never told you, and all this time you thought you were the cause of her pain.”

Clarke rubbed her chin, finally understanding everything that Lexa was going through. Years of pent up emotions that Lexa never had the chance to tell the world, and Clarke tried so hard to make Lexa see that Clarke was the one who needed to be forgiven when she was only a small fraction of the pain.

“So why me? Why am I going to be the one to help her heal? When I was still part of the problem in her mind partially?”

“Do you love her? Do you still care for her?” Becca asked.

“With all my heart…” Clarke murmured.

Becca clearly heard the woman's words and she smiled. “Science may be different when it comes to the emotions of mankind Clarke. But I'm not all about science when it comes to healing and mending a broken soul. Love is the most powerful thing in the world. Call me crazy or whatever, but those forces of nature that is invisible to science is what makes us human being. You risked your life to save her, wanted to die for her in her place to ease her pain. That Clarke, is the healing factor to anyone's soul. I can keep Lexa here for months, years and so on to try and heal her, but it's not enough. I can make her understand things, help her to see things in a different light, but I cannot love her for her to understand that love is the main cure to her own heart. And because she does love you somewhere deep inside, you are the only one who can open that small part left in her to finally live again. That's why it's you Clarke. Science didn't give her a second chance to live. Love did. You did.”

Clarke was in tears. She finally felt the weight of the world lift of her shoulders. Love. Love was the cure. Love had the power to change minds, love had the power to have someone feel emotions when they were in love. Love has always been the cure. And Clarke now understood. Lexa needed the love. She needed someone to be there when she needed it when she was at her worst. Because she lost someone she loved, she blamed herself. She lost he father, her lover, she lost her mother who was too busy drowning her own sorrows, she had lost Clarke. And she lost herself in the sea of her own thoughts. That Lexa was gone now. And the old Lexa, was coming back. Just like Becca said, love conquers all. And Lexa just needed to be loved to be put back together.

“Does she know I'm here?” Clarke asks, wiping the tears away.

“No. I just needed you to come down. She's a good baker I give you that. She works in the cafeteria to keep herself busy when I don't have appointments with her. In fact, she's gotten popular here that families visiting here would bring their friends over and buy her cupcakes. And she was kind enough to set up a fund to help those like her get the help they need. Like I said Clarke, she's going good, but she could be better with you, her friends and yours, and maybe when she's comfortable enough, she can work her way into talking to her own mother when the time is right. I've been denying her mother access here so that she could heal. But I want her to start somewhere, and I want her to start with you because you love her and she does love you. It will take time but she will be stronger. And the both of you will be stronger together. I know about your history from you mother. It's not the best of times for you for what that man did to you, but you will heal and be able to let go of the past when you start to love someone emotionally and physically again.”

“Thank you… Becca. For everything you've done for all these people. Thank you.”

“Love conquers all Clarke. People can be fixed. Just be there and love them, and they will heal in time.” Becca smiles before standing up from her seat and walking around her desk to the door.

“Now come, she would be happy to see you.”

* * *

 

Guest were not allowed to enter the rooms upstairs for some patients were still in their own bedrooms trying their best to heal as per Becca’s saying. Clarke roamed around the place with Becca, receiving explanations and they chatted about the things that have been happening in Clarke's life, and also talking to Clarke about how to broach a subject with Lexa as an early start. Lexa didn't know she was coming. And Clarke was nervous. They hadn't seen each other in two months, haven't spoken since the night on that bridge, and Clarke had this unsettling feeling in her gut. What would Lexa think about her now? Becca soon brought her to the mess hall, some people were still hanging around in there with their loved ones, chatting and smiling. Most of the patients looked healthy, and only those upstairs were the ones who were still in the care and therapy sessions that were held in order for people to come out and talk about their problems.

Becca had explained that every weekend, the patients here would have group meetings, to confess their feelings, to help them overcome the fear of people thinking otherwise of them, calling them names and such when they were back to the outside world. And Clarke could imagine Lexa at one of those, helping others around her from her own experiences and it put a smile on her face. Becca opened the door to the mess hall and ushered Clarke in, the smell of cupcakes filled her nose. Not just any cupcake, it was the special smell of Lexa's cupcakes. The cupcakes that were done with the utmost care and love, even despite her being in the ditch of her problems before coming here. But when Becca stopped, she looked towards the direction of the open kitchen door, and there Lexa stood. Her beautiful and loving Lexa, a smile on those puffy lips as she poured the mixture into a bowl.

Clarke gasped at the radiant aura that surrounded Lexa, her smile that never once had been seen ever since they were young, and Clarke… Clarke was crying. Lexa looked better. So much better. Her hair tied up in a bun with loose curls falling forward as she bent forward, her glasses pushed up high and rested on the bridge of her nose, her pink sweater with the sleeves rolled up and she looked young and beautiful. No pain, no hollow look. Just plain old Lexa who was happier.

“Go Clarke.” Becca nudged her shoulders lightly and Clarke carried herself forward, trying not to fall apart on the way over.

Clarke's heart raced with every step she took towards the door, and for the first time in two months, those beautiful green eyes turned to meet blue, and the pure shock that came across her face was the look of happiness. Clarke entered the kitchen, their eyes never leaving each other, and Lexa stood there still as stone. Clarke stopped just two inches away from Lexa, not knowing how to proceed when her voice filled the room.

“Clarke?” Her voice was barely but a whisper, and Clarke cried and laughed exasperatedly.

“Yeah Lexa… it's me. I'm here.” Clarke cried even harder, and the tears that left those beautiful green orbs sent the two of them crashing forward into each other.

They embraced in a long tight hug, both women gripping each other as hard as possible as they cried in each other's embrace. The warmth, the love, the care and everything else sent their bodies into overdrive, and they held on for dear life, afraid that if the let go, they would fade away like the ghosts of the past. Becca stood some ways behind, watching the exchange between the two women, knowing this was the first big step to ensuring a healthy start, and she waited patiently in case of any rebounds which she highly doubted would happen. Clarke shifted away slightly, bringing her hands up to cup Lexa's face, wiping the tears away from her beautiful face with her thumb, and she smiled the biggest smile she could possibly give to Lexa, whose eyes closed and leaned in to Clarke's touch, feeling the warmth that pierced her skin.

“Thank you… Clarke.” Lexa whispered with her eyes still closed.

“For what?” Clarke continued caressing her cheeks softly and lovingly.

“For coming after me. Thank you for not giving up on me.” And that's when green eyes came back into view, and Clarke placed a kiss on Lexa's forehead.

“I'll always come after you Lexa. I always will. Don't ever doubt that for a second that I wouldn't. I'm just happy you're here and doing better. And as long as you're happy, I'm happy. I'm going to be there by your side you hear me? Until the end.” Clarke pulled Lexa back into the hug, taking in Lexa's scent, which smelled like pine wood and cupcakes mixed together, and Clarke was going to taint that scent into her nose and memory forever.

“I'm ready to talk Clarke. To tell you everything if you are…” Lexa said with hopeful eyes.

“Yeah… I'm ready. Always have been.” Lexa smiled and Clarke kissed her forehead again before the hugged again.

Clarke turned her head and saw Becca standing behind, smiling and nodding to Clarke, that this was the first step. That Lexa was comfortable enough to talk about everything, and Clarke was ready to listen. The past will be brought to light, with Becca there to ensure things go smoothly, and from there, they could start afresh.

“Shall we begin ladies?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. So Clexa finally reunites :) they are going to have a long talk next chapter but it won't be angsty. Just the feels and such and emotional talks and a cuddle perhaps. Will see! Hope you guys loved it ;)


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We fall in love like Romeo and Juliet in our own way.

“How about we start from the beginning? Lexa… I want you to tell Clarke about everything we talked about. No leaving out details from any of the events we spoke about over the course of your stay here. I want you to explain to Clarke what it is that happened and make her understand why your actions led you to where you are now.”

 

Becca spoke professionally as they sat in the room, Becca’s other office that was used to talk to patients and their families when they were deemed fit to communicate with their loved ones. After their heartfelt reunion, Becca had led them back and Clarke knew it was the part that Becca needed from Lexa, for her to come clean with everything. It was essential for Lexa to be able to open up, seeing that she has only been doing so with Becca. There were boundaries there for Becca was just her doctor, her therapist and Clarke was more than a friend to Lexa but not lovers yet. They were in between but Clarke's only concern now was to have Lexa back to her old self again.

 

“When dad died… that's when the voices started in my head. The night he walked out into the backyard and told me he loved me before he shot himself… I thought that the world was coming to the end. I didn't feel love, didn't feel secure about a lot of things. When Finn and the rest bullied me everyday… I… I felt like I deserved it. I blamed myself that it was my fault dad died and the voices in my head kept telling me that I deserved it over and over again. And when you hit me that one day, I was so angry. Angry that I failed to keep you as my friend when we promised at the oak tree that we would be there for each other forever. I never hated you, I hated myself. As time went on, I understood what Finn had done to you when mom told me about what he did to you and I blamed myself even further for not being there for you. I tried to get to you when Jake died… but I failed you again when you pushed me away… because I was such a shit friend. Costia came along and saved me somewhat, but the voices in my head were still there and never left my head and she tried to get me help. I lashed out at her and she got sick. I tried to be there for her but she told me to leave, because she didn't want me to be in pain, didn't want me to watch her die. And again I failed to save her, to give her the extra time to spend with her family because of my own selfishness and she died making me save the others instead of her. Her family hated me, blamed me and I accepted it. I knew I didn't deserve anything from anyone from there and I believed the voices in my head. That I was pathetic and useless. It angered me every day to no end and I pushed Anya and everyone else away so that they didn't die because of me. Everyone I ever loved or cared for always got hurt because of me. Then Mom brought you in and I wasn't angry at you. I just wanted people to stay away from me so they never have to get hurt. And then you kept trying to get to me, and I was confused. Half of me wanted to be able to be loved, but the other half kept reminding me to take my own life and end the worlds misery. I felt hopeless, hurt and just wanted to die. And I tho by killing myself, I could be free.” Lexa spoke the entire time, her sad eyes never leaving Clarke's.

 

“Why? Lexa… you could have said something… Anything. Everyone loves you. Anya, Rae, Luna and O. Hell they miss you and they care for you. Love you. I… love you Lexa. I could have helped. We all could have helped. We could have saved you. It hurt me so much to see you go off that bridge that night. I thought I was never going to see you again. I made a promise when were kids to love each other. And I… I've always loved you. Always have and always will.” Clarke knew she had to get it out of Lexa. She wanted to know if Lexa did love her back. Just as they had promised. It was the only way for her to give Lexa her feelings in return to ensure that they could have a healthy start to a new beginning.

 

“I’m sorry Clarke… I never meant for it to turn into this. I just hated myself. It was easier to be blamed than fight to live another day blaming others.” Lexa cried, wiping the tears off her cheeks before looking at the floor.

 

“I believe that now you understand what was going on Clarke. Seeing that the two of you had talked earlier, I want to do something for the both of you. Clarke, I want you to tell Lexa your feelings, honestly, what you feel now for Lexa, and I want you to ensure Lexa on the words that you have spoken to her. And for you Lexa, I want you to open up. I want you to be the one to tell Clarke all your thoughts, your secrets and whatever it is your feeling to Clarke. Since both of you have established some of your feelings for each other, I want you to promise Clarke that you would never hide things from her again. Can you do that?” Becca looks towards Lexa, who nods before taking a slow gulp.

 

“Clarke, tell Lexa what your heart feels right now.”

 

Clarke takes a deep breath before exhaling, and she takes Lexa’s hands in hers, before bringing them to her chest. “Lexa… I want you to feel my heart beating for you. It beats as long as you’re here with me, happy and safe. I care and love you, I want to make you the happiest woman alive and I want to be the one to erase the pain from your heart. I promise I will never leave your side Lexa. For better or for worse. I promise I’ll be there in your darkest moments and love you even with everything that’s happened. My love for you has never changed. I don’t care what everyone else says. I only care about what you feel and that’s all I will ever care about okay? I promise.” Clarke brings Lexa’s hands up to her lips and kisses them softly before gripping her hands tightly.

 

“Clarke…” Lexa sobs, trying to form the words she has been dying to say.

 

“It’s okay Lexa… you can say it.” Clarke coaxes the brunette, wanting her to talk it out as much as she possibly could.

 

“Clarke…I am sorry for everything. But I promise I will try my best to be better. Better for everyone and for myself too. I am sorry for hurting everyone and I’ll try. I won’t hide things from you or run anymore. I … I… I do love you Clarke. And I want to be better. And I’m sorry for taking so long to get help. I truly am.” Lexa cries and Clarke pulls her into a hug.

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for Lexa. You were in a dark place and I understand. We will get through this together. You and me. And will take things one step at a time okay? We will go at your pace and we will work on it from there. Just promise to stick with me and you will be alright. You don’t have to be afraid anymore. We are here for you. I will always be here for you. Together. Until the end.”

 

Lexa nods her head as the enjoyed the moment together. Becca then finally closes the file and puts it aside. Her job was done. Lexa was deemed fit to be released. And she was going to keep in touch with Lexa from time to time, but for now, she was ready. Ready to go home and start living life. The broken soul that came in two months ago was no longer broken, and she was a partly healed woman. With support of the right people, Lexa would be whole again. Becca knew she made the right decision to call Clarke, seeing the chemistry between the two was undeniable, and she wouldn’t be surprised that one day the two of them would be married with each other and have children of their own. Lexa deserved that life, and they will be alright. The storm has passed and now the sun was coming back out.

 

It was time for Lexa to go home.

* * *

 

The next day, Clarke waited for Lexa at the car, having been tasked with taking Lexa home back to the apartment after Becca had deemed Lexa fit to be discharged from the medical center. Clarke couldn’t stay the night for she was only a guest there, and Clarke had thought of somethings to do if Lexa was interested. But of course, if Lexa had any request, she definitely try to fulfil them, and Clarke had cleaned up the apartment until it was sparkling clean. Clarke watched as Lexa stepped out into the cold winter breeze, her thick clothes keeping her warm, her beanie setting low on her head and the colorful scarf Clarke had bought for Lexa was wrapped around her neck and a partial bit of her mouth, and Clarke couldn’t help but giggle at the sight. Becca had instructed Clarke to do a few things, and be weary of the memories that could flood back when she stepped in the apartment, wanting Clarke to be by her side when they returned and ensure that Lexa could take it. If not, she was to bring Lexa somewhere else. Clarke had called Wells informing him about it and if the need arises, they could use his spare room to stay for a while until Clarke and Lexa could figure something out.

 

Lexa trudged across the snowy ground, Clarke sending a wave to Becca who nodded in return, and Clarke opened the door for Lexa to get in, before it was her turn to get into the drivers seat. Lexa was smiling slightly, clearly excited to be going home finally, and Clarke took Lexa’s cold hands in her warm ones, pulling it up for a kiss before she started the engines.

 

“So Lexa, any place in mind you need to go to or do you want to go straight home?” Clarke asks, wanting Lexa to make the decisions for now.

 

“I miss having a thick and juicy burger. Can we go to a burger joint and have burgers? I miss the one you bought for me at the hospital.” Lexa pouts, and Clarke all but laughs.

 

“Yeah. We can get thick juicy burgers. And a nice chocolate milkshake too if you want. DO I get to fee you as well?” Clarke smirks, and Lexa all but giggles.

 

“Yeah. You can. The food here wasn’t exactly the best but yes please to burgers.” Clarke grins and she drives away down the road.

 

Clarke wanted to give Lexa the best burger in town as a welcome home food, and so she drove out towards town where she had a place in mind that Lexa would surely go crazy for. During the journey over, Lexa asked Clarke about what she had been up to, and she was surprised to find Clarke running her business. Clarke told her the story about how she tried to make cupcakes for the very first time, and only ended up burning them, setting the smoke detector off, and Lexa buckled down laughing. Clarke was happy that Lexa was laughing, not because she was forced to put up a front, but because she hadn’t heard that laugh since they were kids. They continued laughing and talking the entire way over, before they made it to the city, and Lexa like a young child on her first sightseeing trip looked out the window and looked up at Times Square, which was filled with Christmas lights and people going around shopping for Christmas presents and just enjoying the scenery. Clark eventually led them to a small diner, and Lexa beamed at the sight of food, making Clarke laugh.

 

“Come on Lexa. Let’s go get some good old burgers before you devour the whole shop to the ground.”

 

“Not my fault I haven’t had good greasy food in a while.” Lexa giggles, and Clarke laughs, shaking her head and stepping out before opening the door for Lexa to get out of the car.

 

The two of them walked into the diner, hand in hand, and they walked over to a booth at the far end of it, Clarke ushering Lexa to sit by her side, and Lexa instantly cuddled up to Clarke, having missed the warmth of someone’s body against hers in a very long time. They had feelings for each other no doubt, but they were taking things slow, and didn’t want to ruin anything else by talking about their relationship until they were more relaxed and settled. Clarke just wanted Lexa to feel comfortable and she didn’t mind showing Lexa the meaning of someone being there and caring for her. Clarke placed a kiss on Lexa’s head, wrapping her left arm around Lexa’s waist and pulled her closer, before opening up the menu. Lexa rested her head on Clarke’s shoulders, content that she had someone with her to help her get better from her ordeal.

 

“So, we can have the Mega Cheeseburger with fries and onion rings, and two milkshakes, on chocolate for you and strawberry for me, and share a plate of eggs and toast and bacon? Sound good to you?” Clarke smiles and Lexa nods her head giddily.

 

“Yeah. Good enough.”

 

Clarke places the order with the waitress that came by and they sat there in silence watching the snow fall outside, the night sky making it light up with all the lights around. Clarke had an idea to have Lexa meet with the rest of the gang for Christmas, and make Lexa feel at home since Raven had already been planning a Christmas party for all of them, and Clarke knew Lexa would be excited about it given that it was two weeks away. But the pressing matter that has been eating away at Clarke for a while was having to ask Lexa about the apartment. Lexa could sense that Clarke wanted to ask her something, and she jumped the gun before Clarke did, asking her.

 

“What is it Clarke? We promised we would talk about everything.” Lexa says in a soft tone, making Clarke wrap her arms tighter around Lexa.

 

“The apartment Lexa. I haven’t touched your room since the bridge. I mean it’s your private stuff in there and all, and I’m worried about you. Do you want to go back there? If it’s too much for you, we could go stay with Wells for a couple of days. If you feel comfortable.” Clarke remembered Becca’s words before she left yesterday.

 

Allow Lexa to make the decision for herself, but do not make it look as if Lexa was still a broken cause that she had to be careful with her. Lexa had to be the one to be strong enough to face her fears, and Clarke did the exact opposite, by making Lexa look as if she couldn’t walk back into the apartment.

 

“I’m not so broken anymore Clarke. I knew I would have to face it sooner or later. But I assure you, I won’t run. If I do feel overwhelmed, yes, we can go stay with Wells. But I think and I want to go back there, and maybe clear it up. There are somethings I need to do and get rid of, and I just need you to not be the idiot who thinks I’m still a broken piece of chinaware Clarke. Please… the past is over. I don’t need you to be careful around me. I’ll be okay.” Lexa moves to look up at Clarke, and Clarke nods her head in understanding before cupping her face.

 

“I’m sorry Lexa. I keep messing it up. I just worry for you. But I trust you. And if you say your fine, then I believe it with all my heart that you are fine. I’m sorry.” Clarke sighs and Lexa leans forward to place a soft kiss on Clarke’s lips.

 

Clarke was stunned at first, but quickly reciprocated the kiss, before they separated. “You don’t have to be sorry Clarke. I know what you think and I would be the same as you if I was in your position. Just be there with me okay? That’s all I ask.”

 

“Yeah Lexa. I can do that. But first, let’s eat.”

 

The food arrived on the table shortly after, and as Clarke said, she fed Lexa. In fact, they took turns feeding each other, smiling the entire time as the ate their dinner in peace, receiving warm smiles from passer-by’s and a loving smile from the waitress who saw how cute they were together. Lexa wasn’t the clingy type, neither was Clarke. But being able to bask in the warmth of each other’s company was enough for the two of them to be at peace and just enjoy the quiet evening in the snowy weather of New York City. Once they were done eating, Lexa and Clarke paid the bill, and they left the diner with full bellies and smiles, talking about normal things that has been happening around town. They decided to go for a walk around and they stumbled upon an ice skating rink. Clarke immediately went wide eyed and Lexa dragged Clarke along to have a bit of fun.

 

“Lexa… you know I can’t ice skate. I never could. How about you skate and I just be the awesome supportive bystander I always am?” Clarke tries to wiggle her way out of the situation.

 

“Come on Clarke. I thought you once how to do it when we were kids. Sure, you fell on your ass, but you will get the hang of it. You did then, I’m sure you will be fine now.” Lexa smiles innocently, and Clarke wished that the world ended right now.

 

“Lexa, it wasn’t funny. I couldn’t sit properly for a week. A week! That is a long time you know.” Lexa was already ignoring Clarke and renting ice skates from the worker nearby, handing a pair to Clarke before getting into her own.

 

Clarke wasn’t good at sports. She was an artist and only her hands were good but not her legs or stamina. Lexa was already pushing Clarke from behind when they got their skates on, and she was hell bound on getting Clarke into the ring. A couple of kids laughed at the two of them, knowing that Clarke was afraid to fall down on her ass, and the sight they saw of Clarke fearing the ring was amusing. Once Clarke had stepped onto the ice, Lexa was quick to skate around and hold Clarke up, smiling like a 10-year-old at Disneyland.

 

“I’m gonna die Lexa. I can’t! I can’t!” Clarke struggled to keep her balance, and Lexa laughed at her before yanking her up straight in her arms.

 

“You big baby. Remember how we used to do it? Put your arm around my neck, and when I go forward, you push forward with your feet. One swish at a time. Ready?”

 

Clarke did as she was told, remembering how Lexa used to help Clarke when they were kids, and Lexa moved forward slowly, Clarke wrapping her arms tighter around Lexa from behind as they moved forward, and they skated slowly around the edges of the rink, being careful not to hit into anyone else around them. Clarke took the opportunity to rest her head on Lexa’s shoulders, smiling like an idiot as she slowly picked up on the movement of her legs, and when they were moving at a faster pace, Lexa moves herself away from Clarke, and Clarke all but freezes.

 

“LEXAAAA! You weren’t supposed to move. Now I can’t skate.” Clarke pouts, and Lexa all but gives an amusing smile.

 

“You were about 10 seconds ago Clarke. You can do it. Just try yourself. Trust me.” And that’s all it took for Clarke to start moving forward again.

 

Seeing Lexa’s smile gave Clarke the extra boost she needed and soon enough she was getting the hang of it on her own. Lexa took off to do a few laps of her own while Clarke stopped at the side to rest, and she watched Lexa move around with grace. Her smile as she happily skated around, was a smile worth putting in a museum for the whole world to see. Lexa was doing better. She was leaning onto others for support, rather than hiding from the world, blaming herself for everything that happened in the past. Becca had told them both specifically the day before, the past cannot be undone, but by moving forward in the now and the future, they could heal and let the past vanish completely, remembering the good times and letting go of the bad ones. As she said, live in the moment, and never let the chance of happiness slip by, provide the love and comfort that is needed for each other.

 

Just as Clarke’s thoughts could continue, a song came on through the speakers, and Clarke found it one of her favorites. The song fit perfectly for the moment, and Clarke pushed herself forward, and caught Lexa in the moment, pulling Lexa close to her. Lexa was stunned for a moment, trying to understand Clarke’s sudden need for closeness, and Clarke only smiled.

 

“Take cover beneath the stars

White candles and cherry rum

A mirror and you the glass

Cause baby we are, we are the night

Lay whispers beneath our ears

My excuse is your alibi

Held ransom to how we feel

Cause baby we are, we are the night

 

The lights go off, its sparks are drumming in my heart

Its spell, too much

There's magic in your eyes

The two of us are fighting to ignite

Cause we are the night…”

 

Clarke twirled Lexa around her, their hair blowing softly in the wind, the music shutting themselves into their own bubble, as their eyes danced in the lights flashing around the rink, and Lexa immediately breaks into fits of laughter. She let herself be spun around, tilting her head backwards, feeling the sense of freedom and happiness in her heart. She felt free finally. Free from pain, the voices, the self-doubt. This was what she had been missing out all those years from her self-belief that she couldn’t be loved.

 

“Hold thunder within our arms

Two strangers in perfect time

Masquerades and avatar

Cause baby we are, we are the night

 

The lights go off, its sparks are drumming in my heart

Its spell, too much

There's magic in your eyes

The two of us are starting to ignite

Cause we are the night…”

 

But tonight, she was finally free. Clarke pulls Lexa back towards her, their face merely inches apart, big smiles playing on their lips as they continued to twirl around slowly in a circle, Clarke had her arms wrapped around Lexa’s waist, and Lexa had her arms wrapped around Clarke’s neck.

 

“I told you, you could do it.” Lexa whispers.

 

“Yeah… just needed a little push. And I had a good teacher.” Clarke smiles, rubbing her nose against Lexa’s.

 

“Hahaha… definitely. Clarke?”

 

“Yeah Lexa?” Clarke smiles again.

 

“Is this real? Is this moment just a figment of my memory? Or is this moment really for real?”

 

“Our worlds collide

We fall like Romeo and Juliet

That I ?

The love…

Our hearts started beating

 

The lights go off, its sparks are drumming in my heart

Its spell, too much

There's magic in your eyes

The two of us are starting to ignite

Cause we are the night…”

 

Clarke leaned in closer to Lexa, their foreheads resting against each other, and Clarke turns them around slowly again. “This is real Lexa. I’m real. Your real. Everything in this moment is real. Nothing can hurt you ever again. Because all this is real. And I love you. I love you Lexa and all this is always real. Always will be real.”

 

“And I… I love you too Clarke. Thank you for loving me again. I don’t want this to end.” Lexa whispers.

 

“Then it never will.”

 

And their lips touched, sending fireworks into the sky, illuminating the dark skies of New York City. Hot breaths mixed together, saying all the things needed to be said that they never could for the last two months, and now, in this moment, they could be friends again. Perhaps more than that now that they knew their feelings for each other. Two months apart had made them yearn for each other, made their love stronger and forgiveness so much easier. This was real. As real as it could be. And tongues met each other, not caring about the rest of the world, only belonging in the moment that Clarke promised would never end. She felt a single tear slip from Lexa’s eyes, and Clarke knew, she was alive again.

 

“Cause we are the night

Cause we are the night

Cause we are the night

Cause we are the night

Cause we are the night.”

 

And they were the night as a whole in each other’s embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Told you the angst is over. Its all about healing and Clarke and Lexa reconnecting with each other. Now we have yet to see the two of them in the apartment, and because of the dark memories that had happened in those walls... will Lexa elope and fall back into her depressed self when she enters her apartment again, or will she embrace it and become the strong woman that she has healed to be? Will see you guys next chapter ;)


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is real.

Clarke stood behind Lexa, outside the doors of the apartment, biting her nails nervously. Clarke was afraid, afraid of the backlash that could happen once Lexa stepped in. She had given Lexa the keys, and Lexa had been extremely quiet from the time they got out of the car, and Lexa, well, she seemed to be in her own world. Lexa knew all the pain and the memories that had befallen her apartment during the time she was living in it, and Becca had taken one hell of a time to coax her out of her shell. Lexa remembered what Becca had said, that if she kept running, her mind would never be laid to rest. Lexa inserted the key to the apartment door, but hesitated. She let her fingers linger on the key, afraid of the voices that would return, afraid that it would consume her mind again, before she felt soft and warm hands encircle her waist. The other hand that touched her hand, gave Lexa a sense of renewed feeling, and she knew then, Clarke would never let her fall. Clarke helped her turn the key, and finally pulling the key out, Lexa pushes the door open.

Her sight was filled with the fireplace going in the living room, the cleanliness of the apartment made apparent for everything was in its place when she last saw it, and the smell of cupcakes in the apartment had always been her identifying trademark of her place. Clarke released her grip on Lexa, waiting patiently behind her, giving Lexa all the space she needed to get reacquainted with her home before doing anything else. Clarke was there to catch her if she ever did fall. Lexa slowly made her way into the apartment, taking in everything she once remembered where it used to be, and she stopped midway in the living room, staring at the couch before her. The memories of nights filled with her pain and sorrows, the cuts and the blood, the stained knife and alcohol that laid upon her coffee table as she descended into darkness. The memories were still there, fresh in her mind, but the voices were gone. Erased from her head, muted to her ears.

Clarke trailed behind silently, closing the door but leaving it unlocked, going over to the other door which led downstairs to the kitchen, and unlocking that as well. Lexa would need a place for her to run too, to avoid being overwhelmed and not being able to escape, but Clarke doubted such a thing would happen since she had been left in the doctor’s capable hands to help her take control of her needs and problems in her life. Clarke excused herself quietly to the kitchen, while Lexa ventured towards her bedroom, stopping outside the door, both her hands placed on the door, her head leaning against the coolness of the door. Lexa took a couple deep breaths, reminding herself over and over, that she could do this, that she was stronger now, and she willed herself to place her hand on the doorknob and push the door open.

Her room was left untouched from the day she fled, her bed unmade, her messy table, clothes left here and there. Clarke had left her stuff untouched, and Lexa thanked her quietly in her head for not touching or removing her things. She would have hated her if she did. Taking a look around the room, Lexa picked up the items on her bed, inspecting them and trying to remember the purpose she even had it to begin with. Lexa reached her drawer, sliding it open and found the respective knives she kept inside when one wasn’t on her. Lexa stared at them, tracing it with her fingers, the metal glinting from the light above, and Lexa took them out one by one.

She laid it on the study table, some still had traces of her blood on it, others wiped clean, but Lexa didn’t do anything with it. The voices were gone. She didn’t need to feel pain anymore. In fact, she wanted to get rid of them. The painful memories of her room were made apparent, and Lexa needed to change. She needed to change her room. Get rid of everything that belonged in her past for Becca had told her that the past is over. The future however was written yet, and she had the control over her own destiny. So, Lexa did the first step, and she grabbed the knives, about five of them she had kept, and went into the kitchen, finding Clarke doodling on a piece of paper, when her blue eyes shot up to look at Lexa, her eyes going wide.

“I want you to throw them… please?” Lexa wanted Clarke to be the one to get rid of it, to have the feel of someone else helping her to get rid of the bad in her life and come back with the good side of things.

“Okay.” Clarke dropped her pen, walked over to the knives, grabbing them all and dispensing them into the bin, wrapping the black plastic bag up and turning to look back at Lexa who was lost in her own thought.

“Lexa?” Clarke whispered, afraid any loud noises could trigger something in Lexa.

“Can we stay somewhere else for the night? Away from here until I get my room cleaned and changed?” Clarke was taken aback by the sudden request, but never pursued the topic.

“We can do anything you want Lexa. But before we go anywhere, can you talk to me please? Tell me what’s in your mind?” Clarke strides over, standing in front of Lexa, placing her hands on her cheeks and tilting it up to face Clarke in the eye.

“My room… just… the memories are still there. The day I ran out, how I used to sit in there alone and cry. How I cut myself in there wishing I could just die. It hurts to go in there. Or be in there. I know I’m supposed to be better, but…”

“Hey it’s okay. You every right to feel that way and no one is going to stop you from feeling that way okay? If you want, we could leave here for the night, come back tomorrow perhaps and we can clean up your room together, get rid of the stuff you don’t want, and get you some new stuff to replace the old. It’s just a suggestion but if you have anything else in mind, we could do that too.” Clarke brings Lexa into her arms fully, rubbing her back up and down, until the next words took Clarke by surprise.

“I want to sell this place.”

Clarke stopped rubbing Lexa’s back, and turned to look down at Lexa with concern and question in her eyes. “Okay? Ummmm we could do that too. But what about your cupcake business Lexa? What will you do with the shop?”

“Sell it all. Take the money and start somewhere new. I can even get a bank loan to find a new place similar like this with access to a shop below somewhere in town, although it won’t be as cheap as when I bought this, but it could work.”

“Okay. That works. Hmmmmm actually… how about we head over to Wells place, and I let you in on my idea? What say you?” It was Lexa’s turn to shift away, and look up at Clarke.

“Okayyy???”

“Don’t worry. Raven had nothing to do with this idea.”

* * *

 

They were seated in the bedroom of Wells apartment, the one Clarke had used to sleep in when she left Lexa for a couple of days, and Lexa was seated on the edge of the bed, staring at the wall in front of her, unconsciously rubbing her wrist and Clarke came out of the bathroom, making sure to make a few sounds here and there to ensure that Lexa noticed her presence in the room and wouldn’t startle her. Clarke had ushered Lexa out of her own apartment, making her wait in the small hallway, while she switched everything off and put out the fire, before closing everything up, grabbing a few clothes for Lexa and they headed to Wells place. Wells had welcomed Lexa home with open arms and gave her a big hug, before Jaha came over and hugged, welcoming her back home.

Lexa didn’t feel uncomfortable at all, joking a little bit here and there with the two gentlemen before they retired to the room, thanking them for letting them stay for a couple of days. And here they were now. Lexa was exhausted no doubt, the eyebags under her eyes had given that away, but Clarke wanted to pitch the idea to Lexa beforehand.

“You okay?” Clarke plopped her butt down besides Lexa, taking her hand into hers and kissing it, while Lexa sighed and shifted to rest her head on Clarke’s shoulders.

“Yeah. Tired. But I’m okay. So, what was this idea of yours?”

“Well, since you know I don’t get to collect my cash my dad had left me before he passed to start my own gallery until my birthday in a couple of months, I thought to maybe marry some random stranger for a day, to withdraw the cash, which I can in turn use it to help get you an apartment, and to have the shop below, therefore, the money you get from selling your current place can be used for renovations and such and you can have you business going once it’s done. And before you go all crazy on me, you can have a bigger space and hire more people to help you.” Clarke grins at Lexa, only to have her stand up furiously from the bed and look at Clarke.

“Clarke! Are you mad? I won’t accept that. No way in hell. That is your money for your own art gallery Clarke. I’m not going to rid you of your dreams or your passion and definitely not letting you marry some weird stranger and turns out that person wants to rob you of all your cash for that matter. No. Absolutely not.”

“Lexa… it’s the only way. I have to be married if I were to withdraw the money early, and to top it all off, you need it more than I do. It’s a rational…”

“Stop! It’s not rational Clarke. Your only doing it because you feel sorry for me that I can barely stand to be in my own apartment. Stop! Okay? Just stop trying to help settle problems that I know what I'm doing and I don need you to give me your dad's money when it clearly belongs to you. And are you mad? Marrying someone off the streets is way fucking stupid! I was a lawyer and I know the shit that goes on in those courts especially when marriage is involved since everyone is out for money these days, it's really goddamn stupid.” Lexa throws her hands up in the air, only for Clarke to start laughing.

“What's so funny? I'm trying to be serious here!” Lexa huffs and folds her arms as Clarke laughs harder, falling backwards onto the bed.

“I'm sorry… WAHAHAHAHA… your face is funny Lexa. I swear.”

“Oh really? I didn't know the words written ‘Laugh’ is on my fucking forehead. You're unbelievable.” Lexa walks over to the night stand and sits down, scowling before turning to look away.

Clarke sits back up, wiping the tears off her face before getting up to walk over to Lexa. Lexa didn't even make eye contact with Clarke, and Clarke takes it upon herself to wrap her arms around Lexa's neck, placing a soft kiss on her head and apologizes.

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't be joking. Okay? I'm sorry. But seriously Lexa. An apartment with a nice home and bakery bigger than you have now, and a fresh new start, will do you good. And I too need a place to stay haha… in which I'm willing to help get you back on your feet. If you let me.” Clarke moves her way down to Lexa's neck, placing a soft kiss there before looking at the mirror whereby Lexa turns to look at Clarke in the eye.

“What if… we join ventures?” Lexa asks, sparking an interest in Clarke's eyes.

“Meaning?”

“I don't want to start fresh in my apartment. So I'm going to sell it. The cash I get, can combine with yours and… what if you can have your gallery and my dessert counter in the same building? Two stories? Your gallery on top, my dessert counter on the first floor? That way, you have your rights to your space, I have my rights to my space. We won't clash. As for housing, maybe we can find a place to rent out for the time being, and save some cash for you to get your own apartment and I can get mine?” Lexa suggests.

However, the last sentence spoken made a tear in Lexa's heart. She didn't want to let Clarke go. Not that they had just fallen back into place with each other as friends, perhaps even more, Clarke being there for her. But she didn't want to tie the blonde down in any way if she had a life of her own from the two months she was gone.

“So you don't want me to stay?” The hurt in Clarke's eyes were evident.

“I… I don't know. I've been gone for two months Clarke. You have a life perhaps somewhere beyond me and I… I can't just ask you to stay if you do…” Lexa moves out of Clarke's grasp, eventually moving to the bed and looking away.

Clarke bites her lip for a moment, trying to contemplate her words. Would Lexa run if she told her the truth? Would Lexa turn her away if she came out right now to her? Clarke decided then that she would take a chance. A leap of faith, and she moved to kneel in front of Lexa on the floor, taking Lexa's hand in hers, and makes Lexa look at her in the eye.

“Lexa… I've always loved you. Since we were kids. And I never stopped loving you when life got in the way. I… I love you. And if you will have me, I want to stay with you, beside you, forever. I don't want anyone else but you. And not going to hurt you anymore Lexa. I want to love you, cherish you, be there for you and whatever decisions it is you want to make, I want to be there every step of the way. I ran the shop while you were gone because I wanted to. Because I love you and I waited for you to get better. So you could come home and I can give you all the love in the world that you deserve. So if you want to stick with the idea you have, I'm in all the way. Until the end. If only you will let me.” Lexa was left awestruck.

Lexa didn't know what to say. She was at a loss for words, and she didn't know if she could ever be loved. But here, now, Clarke was giving her heart to Lexa fully, and she wanted so much to tell Clarke how much she loved her back, for everything she did, yet she couldn't find the words to tell her.

“I… I don't know what to say…”

“You don't need to say anything Lexa. Because I know you do love me too and your eyes say everything that needs to be said. You never were a good liar.” Clarke chuckles and Lexa could only smile back at her.

“Thank you. For never giving up on me. For being you and staying. I don't know how to do this. It's been a long time and… I…”

“Then let me help show you again.”

Clarke moves up to kiss Lexa, taking her lips in hers, and letting Lexa feel the love that Clarke had always wanted to give to her. To show her. Lexa reciprocates the kiss, placing her hands on Clarke's face, letting herself feel love again. The kiss was slow, soft and passionate, Clarke wanting to take every minute of time to go slow, to show Lexa how much she means to her, and evidently, Clarke starts to full Lexa's tank top up. Her hands slowly rake up along Lexa's side, feeling the soft warm skin below, and pushes the tank top off over Lexa's head before combining their lips again. Clarke laid Lexa back down on the bed, adjusting themselves fully onto it, before Clarke straddles her hips and takes a long look at Lexa's naked form. Her pert breasts which was stunningly beautiful, her chest that heaves up and down as Lexa stares up at Clarke with such awe and beauty, prompted Clarke to remove her own tshirt, making herself naked along with Lexa. It was definitely not their first time having sex, but to the two of them, it was definitely a first. Clarke starts slow, her lips heading down to Lexa's toned stomach, kissing every inch of skin available to her, and stoping at her navel, taking one long suck and inserting her tongue into the small hole. Lexa arch her back, burning heat driving into her core, and wanting Clarke to move further down to where she needed to be touched the most.

Clarke was excruciatingly slow, continuing back up to her ribs, leaving small bite marks along the way, before her mouth latched on to one of Lexa's nipples, rolling the nipple around with her wet tongue. Lexa raked her nails down the back of Clarke's spine, feeling the soft skin mend into hers. Using her free hands, Clarke makes work of removing Lexa's boy shorts, pulling it off of her long and muscled legs, latching herself back onto Lexa's other breast, and she made herself known when she trailed her along Lexa’s already wet folds. Lexa was beautiful. So beautiful. Lexa was sweating, her breathes coming in ragged and they started a slow motion, grinding against each other before Clarke inserted two of her fingers into Lexa's hot walls. The moans and the gasps that fill the room, felt like fire against ice, and truth be told, the two of them were a work of art as they synced their hearts into one.

Clarke could feel Lexa reaching her peak, feeling her was clenching down on her fingers, trying to pull them in further and further with every thrust, and Clarke could feel her own orgasm approaching just by the work she was doing to Lexa. Slowly, Lexa's screams fill the room, and Clarke came along with her, their bodies shuddering from the sheer force of their combined orgasms, Clarke falling down on top of Lexa and the two woman struggled to come down from their high. Never in their lives had two of them come at the same time, and now, Lexa was reassured of her love for Clarke and Clarke's love for her. The night was still young but they had an early day tomorrow so they stayed in that position, slowly drifting off to sleep. But before they did, Lexa asked one last question.

“Is this real Clarke?”

“Yes Lexa. This is real.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry it's been so long. Have been busy with life and finally here is an update. I didn't want Lexa to say i love yoh first for she is still trying to heal herself and get back into society, but eventually she will and we will see our two lovebirds finally get life right for them both :) enjoy.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some plans work better together.

Clarke never thought in a million years would she be waking up beside the beauty before her. The window of the apartment had been left open wide, the sun beams entering the room and giving the brunette beside her a morning glow, that looks almost angelic, godlike even, that she was sleeping soundly beside her. Lexa had her head resting on Clarke’s chest, her arm laid flat on Clarke’s chest and her olive skin that was exposed to her had Clarke smiling softly. Lexa’s face was covered with her brown locks of hair that was splayed around, Clarke used her free hand to push it out of the way to have a closer look at her face which was calm and relaxed. Lexa hadn’t woken up with a nightmare, which was a good sign that Lexa was doing better, but her insecurities still lay in the depths of her heart, and Clarke wasn’t angry at that. Her purpose was to be there by her side, and to love her like she always did, and they ended up spending the night together discovering each other for the very first time. Clarke was soft and slow, ensuring that Lexa was comfortable with what they were doing, and Clarke kept her safe.

 

Wells came in earlier, having roused Clarke, and he closed his eyes, using the sign language to communicate with Clarke, and she smiled to herself at how goofy her best friend was, and said they could come downstairs whenever they wanted to for breakfast, his dad was cooking breakfast, and Clarke thanked him back in return, wanting Lexa to sleep longer. She thought about Lexa’s words the night before, and she already had a perfect place in mind that could work out for the both of them, seeing that Lexa had expressed that she wanted Clarke to stay. She knew Lexa wasn’t able to say those three letter words yet, not when she was still in the process of having things settled and put together in her mind, the apartment in which she didn’t want to be there, and the knives that Lexa had pulled out from her room had Clarke’s heart beating faster than the speed of light. While Lexa waited outside, Clarke had called Becca per her request when Lexa returned, and the answer she got in return to was to make sure that Lexa was to be the one to take the initiative to want things and make decisions on her own. It has to be her own choice, her own will that she had to take control over again, and that Clarke would be there to advise her on what she thought would be best for Lexa.

 

And of course, Lexa had expressed her wants on Clarke not treating her as if she was broken pieces of glass that couldn’t be fixed. Clarke had texted the rest as well to be careful on how they treat Lexa when they do see her again, and not take her as if they were walking on eggshells. She made them promise. And now, in the small confines of the room, Clarke was just intoxicatingly in love with the beautiful brunette laying on top of her. She could picture herself being married to her, waking up every morning just like this, smiling at her, with their kids perhaps if they ever do have them, running into their room in the early mornings. That was a life Clarke told herself she could never have after what Finn did to her. Yet, with Lexa by her side, the possibilities were endless.

 

“What are you thinking about Clarke?” Lexa croaks out, taking a deep breath and exhaling before stretching like a cat and adjusting herself in a comfier position on Clarke, snuggling closer.

 

“Mmmmmm…. Thinking about you. How beautiful you are. How lucky we are to be here. How lucky I am to have you.” Clarke smiles, drawing endless patterns on Lexa’s bare back.

 

“I see. Are you lucky enough to be smug about tiring me out from last nights activities? Cause I’ll kick your ass if you give me that smirk. Just because you made me cum 4 times, doesn’t give you the privilege to be that smug.” Lexa confesses and Clarke chuckles.

 

“Need I remind you that you outright claimed the title of having the best stamina in the world?”

 

Lexa looks up at Clarke, death written over her face and groans. “Told you not to be smug. Or your sleeping on the floor tonight.” Lexa berates before lazing back on Clarke.

 

“Ouch. The floor already?”

 

“Shut up.” Lexa playfully taps Clarke’s stomach before Clarke encircles her arms around Lexa and kissing the top of her head.

 

“We got to get going. We have a lot of things to settle and I know you want to just lay in bed, but you said it yourself that you have things to settle.” Clarke states sadly, not wanting them to leave either.

 

“I know.”

 

“Come on. Wells made breakfast.”

* * *

 

 “Okay, so you want to sell the apartment, then buy a whole new place whereby Clarke and you would have a joined art gallery come cupcake shop. It’s not a bad idea. But only thing is, where are you going to get that amount of cash to do it? Got to include renovations as well you know.” Wells says simply.

 

“I know. Which is why, I’m giving one of my previous connections a call. He said he was willing to pay a high price for the store and the apartment combined. He was a jerk at first but he wants business. With that amount I can broker with him a deal and most probably get as much as I possibly can from him. But, of course, the building that Clarke suggested is going to take a lot of work. Unless you want to hire a contractor to do the renovations. I mean, I don’t have an issue doing things from scratch and make it a fixer upper. But there will be some parts that I have to call in a contractor to fix up the equipment for my bakery.” Lexa dishes out with a mouthful of eggs.

 

“Well it would cut costs if we turned it into a fixer upper. But like you said, the only issue we have to settle for now is getting the building. It’s only two stories but it has shitloads of space and we can add in a bedroom and all. Head downstairs to cook in your kitchen. Okay, we can plan that later. But issue is now, my dad’s will says that I have to be 25 to withdraw the cash, but I turn in three months time. Building stays up for sale for another month before we lose our chance. And I have to be married to someone in order to withdraw the amount. And also, proof that I’m married. Or they won’t give me the money. So, firstly, who am I going to marry? And secondly, we need to secure the building deal before the month is up and we need a down payment as well to be made.” Clarke explains the situation.

 

Truth be told, Clarke wanted the building for a really long time. It had ample amounts of space and she could have a big gallery there with everything of her dreams inside. But with Lexa’s new addition, Clarke was beyond excited. She could have Lexa with her, the two of them running the place, Clarke could have her monthly exhibition or showcase, sell her paintings, and they could live there all in the same place. Lexa was on board with the idea from the beginning, but couldn’t help but see the slight worry and stress in her eyes. Clarke always knew Lexa let her emotions run wild in her eyes, but she always kept a stoic expression to avoid others seeing through her hardened exterior. She saw the pain in Lexa’s eyes when she mentioned marrying someone just to claim her money, but then again, she knew she would only marry one person, which was Lexa. She would propose to her when the time comes, and no doubt if Lexa said yes, she would give her the best wedding of her life.

 

“Okay, so why don’t you clear out the stuff in your apartment first beforehand, and then from there, come back here and contact whoever said wanted to buy over the place. Ummm Clarke, you gonna help Lexa out or…” Wells wanted to get Clarke alone to talk to her about somethings that he was curious and concerned about.

 

“I’ll go take a shower…” Lexa leaves the table and smiles at Clarke before disappearing down the hallway, leaving Wells and Clarke sitting there alone.

 

“What are you doing Clarke? I see that look in your eye and I know something is going on in that brain of yours. Please tell me at least you aren’t seriously considering the marriage option right now are you?” Wells looked at Clarke incredulously.

 

“What choice do I have Wells? She’s not ready to be with me. Okay yeah heck we slept together. But she hasn’t even said I love you, let alone even be comfortable with having me around. If we are to get this building, I have to marry somebody and get the withdrawal. Once that’s done, I can just divorce the person and he or she can go their own way, I go my own way and concentrate on the future with Lexa.”

 

“And by doing that, your breaking her heart. She’s already attached to you, in love with you. She hasn’t said it but I know it. I can see it in the way she looks at you Clarke. Plus, marrying some stranger for the sake of getting a building that has until end of this year is not worth it for that woman’s heart.”

 

“Then what am I supposed to do Wells? I don’t want to chase her away if it means marrying her so unexpectedly. I love her Wells. I’m not going to lose her again. I almost lost her that night, I don’t want to lose her anymore. Please… tell me what to do Wells…”

 

Clarke wiped the tears that escaped her eyes. She knew she would break Lexa’s heart if she did something stupid as that. She wanted the money not because of her own sake now, but to give Lexa a home and a place for her to live in. For her to be able to have her business without anyone else interfering. For her to start over. And be happy. Clarke didn’t want to pressure Lexa into anything she didn’t want to do, but that building could be a start to Lexa’s happiness. And she would do just about anything to get it for her.

 

“Go talk to her. Ask her if that is what she truly wants. If is what you both truly want.” Wells holds her hand and squeezes it.

 

“And if it’s not?” Clarke asks in hesitancy.

 

“Then… you have to let her go.”

* * *

 

 Lexa sat in the room, having taken a shower and dried her hair, before she overheard the conversation that transpired between Wells and Clarke. It hurt her heart that Clarke was willing to let her go despite the fact that she loved her, to marry someone out of business and not love, and it hurt her too much for her to even think about the possibility of seeing someone else with Clarke. She couldn’t be selfish, but she knew what came from Clarke’s thinking. Clarke wanted her to have a home. To have a place for her business. For Clarke to have her own business as well. The building was a great idea. The space it had, despite it being a three story building after doing some further digging, which they thought was a two story, but it was right in the heart of the city, and people would flock to the place no doubt. Business would be great.

 

But it wouldn’t be great if the two of them did it out of business itself. Lexa loved Clarke. She did. But was it too soon or too late for her to admit that she did love Clarke, and that she wanted to be with her for as long as they shall live? Things were moving so fast, Lexa just needed to catch a break. Her apartment, her bakery, her memories. Was it all worth the healing to be able to live happily but at the expanse of losing someone she had loved since the first day she came crashing back into her life? Was it worth losing her over the business and future of their careers? Lexa knew what her answer was. And when the door to the bedroom opened, Lexa looked at those blue eyes she did fall in love with, with understanding and love, and Clarke stopped in her tracks at the sight of her lover.

 

“Lexa? Are you okay?” Clarke shut the doors, moving over to bend down in front of her, and took her hands in hers.

 

“I don’t want the business or the building if it means losing you Clarke. I don’t want that.” Lexa whispers, tears filling her eyes.

 

“Lexa… you won’t lose me. I just want to get you a place to stay, to be happy and to have your booming business going if I can get the cash to get you started. Your money combined with mine, the building is ours. I can do my gallery, you can do your baking, it’s a win win. But I have to be married to get the money. I promise it will only be temporary Lexa. When I get it all settled…”

 

“No. Clarke. I would rather keep my current place if it means having you not to marry someone just for pure business. I… I don’t want you to. I can’t watch it or let it happen. I’m sorry but if you want to go through with-it Clarke… then I’ll go. I can’t run your life and it’s your own decision to make. I…”

 

“I wanted to ask you if you would want to marry me instead Lexa. I know this is one shitty proposal without a ring and all that… but I do want to give you a home, a workplace and a whole lot of love. Only if you do feel the same way and if you don’t want the building and all that, I’ll gladly give it up for you love. Because I realized that if I placed myself in your shoes, then, I would be the one hurting if I had to watch you marry someone else just for business. It was a stupid idea to begin with and I shouldn’t be placing my needs first before you.” Clarke counters, and Lexa cries.

 

“I can’t let you just destroy your dreams of the future Clarke. You have been wanting that building since forever and I’m holding you back. I don’t want you to give it up because of you placing my needs first before yours.” Lexa wipes the tears away and Clarke cups her face, kissing her softly.

 

“I would give everything up if it means being with you.” Clarke reassured, and with all that has been happening in the past 24 hours, with everything moving so fast in the blink of an eye, Lexa does the unthinkable and spits out the words Clarke has been dying to hear.

 

“I… I love you Clarke. I always have. I was just so blinded by it that i… I didn’t have the courage to say it. Please… don’t give up your dreams.” Clarke pulls Lexa into a hug, letting the older brunette cry her soul out, and Clarke hums quietly in her ears, hoping to calm the woman down.

 

“Marry me Lexa. Marry me and we can build a future together. You and me. We can head over to clean your apartment, and do what needs to be done, and we can go have a word with the person in charge of the building. Tell them we need time to get things sorted and paperwork done before we can buy over the building. How about that?”

 

“Yes Clarke… yes.”

 

And that was all the answer Clarke needed to hear.

* * *

 

 They spent the better half of the afternoon clearing out Lexa’s stuff in her old apartment, taking what was needed and moving it into the U-Haul truck they rented, which meant her furniture, her books and shelves, paintings and other big items that were to be placed in storage before they tackled her room together. The memories were slowly fading with everything that Lexa didn’t want and thrown into the black waste bag that would be throw away forever, and Clarke helped her sort through her clothes that she needed and the rest were to be given to charity. Lexa and her had talked along the way, seeing that they were going to marry each other and that they had to speak with the current owner of the building that had agreed to meet them at the apartment to talk business. Clarke was nervous, for she didn’t know what the possibilities would be when they dished out the necessary paperwork that would be required to buy over the building, and Lexa was certain they could handle it if it came to a point whereby they would have to give up their attempts of ever owning the three story building.

 

As the clock reached the 4 pm mark, the doorbell rang, and in the midst of carrying the beds out, Clarke walks over to the door and opens it, instantly greeted by the man before her. “Good Afternoon. My name is Marcus Kane. Are you Clarke Griffin?”

 

“Yes hi. Come in please.”

 

Lexa wipes the sweat off her forehead, and Clarke calls out for her, before introducing herself to the businessman and they headed into the kitchen straight away.

 

“So… Mr. Kane…”

 

“Please. Call me Marcus. Mr. Kane makes me feel old.” The two woman chuckled before standing side by side with each other and Marcus looks at them sweetly.

 

“Marcus… we are interested in the building that you currently have on sale. I know you’re the property agent in charge of it and we were wondering if we could stall the dateline you put out in order for us to purchase the land. We understand its still up until the New Year, which is only a couple weeks away, and we need a little more time than that to get the documents and the paperwork needed to be passed over to you.” Lexa goes on, and Marcus rubs his bearded chin.

 

“What exactly is your plan with the building? I mean, I would be glad to sell it to you, but to extend the date, I need a specific reason as to why is that so? My company don’t take lightly to extensions for we would return the property back to the city which would be up for grabs when its placed back on the market for a higher price, but if you give me your reasons, I can try and help you with it in any way possible.”

 

“Marcus, we want to turn it into an Art Gallery come cupcake shop. It is in our plans to fix it up and have it settled for our future business together, and currently, as you can see, we are vacating this space and the shop below, in order to sell the apartment and shop, which will give us the money for a down payment that your company would require for us to purchase the building. However, the other sum of money will come from me when I am married to my fiancé here as my father’s will had been given to me that should I be married before 25, I would receive the amount needed to purchase the building in full. But of course, it will take several weeks to process it, and with the limited time the building is up for sale, we wanted to reach out to you to in order for us to stall the date.”

 

Marcus hums quietly to himself, definitely lost in thought, and trying to find the best solution possible to help the couple. “I could put in a request to the previous owners, seeing that they still own the land and the building, and I can try to reason with them before they sell it back to the state, but I think it shouldn’t be an issue. Have you contacted anyone about the apartment you have now? And the shop below?”

 

“Titus Trikru. He has been interested in my property for some time. He is interested in buying over the property. Perhaps maybe you could contact him and make certain arrangements with him?” Lexa offers.

 

“Ah yes. He is one of my close friends. Ha has been looking over to turn your place into a small workplace for himself. His own office. Well the other shops are vacating next door, he can purchase the places nearby for his office space. I can have a look into it. I’m assuming the cash given to you when you sell this place goes to the down payment plan that we have?”

 

“Yes. But of course, if you are unable to extend the dateline, then we will let the owners do as they please with it. We will find another way for our future plans. No worries about it.” Clarke in turn wraps her arms around Lexa’s waist, letting her know that they would find other ways to have their businesses settled.

 

“I’ll try my best. Since you both have promising work cut out for you, I will make it my top priority to ensure the building stays up in the market for a longer period of time.”

 

Clarke and Lexa thanked Marcus, after he gave them a rundown of the prices and how he would speak to Titus about his own plans for the space, and the two woman continued on to clean out the apartment. As day turned into night, they sat down in the almost empty living room, the couch still there, with the coffee table which they would be moving tomorrow, and Clarke decides to order Chinese Takeout.

 

“Remember when we had sex in here, and the cops came because we were way too noisy?” Clarke smirks as she places the food on the coffee table, sitting beside Lexa on the floor.

 

“Shush… you couldn’t even answer the door.” Lexa rolls her eyes.

 

“Not my fault you rendered me unable to move. And you grabbed the food and just sat down in front of me naked. That my love… was hot stuff.” Clarke smirks, receiving a chopstick to her head.

 

“Don’t be smug about it. Or your sleeping on the floor tonight.”

 

Clarke smiles before sliding in close to Lexa, leaning her head on her shoulders as the fireplace crackled in the background, and Clarke spoke in a soft soothing tone. “Lexa? Are you sure you want to go through with this? Marrying me and all and if we get the date extended, we gonna stick together forever?”

 

“I remembered our first kiss as kids. You were always annoying the shit out of me with those smiles of yours. Yet, every time you asked me if the two of us would ever be married together, I always said yes. One of my sessions with Becca, she made me think back to the past, to relive all the memories, and yet, you always showed up in it, asking me to marry you. I never wanted to admit it, but dad was right. He saw us being together, your dad saw it too. I just had to learn to accept it in my head that life should be so much more. And if you didn’t come after me that night, I wouldn’t have kept my promise to be with you. And I’m sorry for that.” Lexa says calmly, and Clarke takes her empty hand in hers.

 

“Never be sorry about it Lexa. You and me, we will get through this together. And I promise to give you a better proposal than this. But you, my lovely fiancé, we have to get through Christmas first. The gang is inviting us over. You up for it?” Clarke kisses her cheeks, and for the first time, Lexa felt ready.

 

“I think it’s time to say hi again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :) sorry for taking so long to update. Life got me busy and I apologise before hand for taking so long. But hopefully I should be able to update often now and shouldn't be a problem. Anyways, I jumped on the Lesbian U-Haul, and we are going to see how our two lovely ladies tie the knot. Of course, friends are going to intervene and they will be in for an amusing ride ;)


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love can never be bought. Only loved in return.

“Lexa… don’t… you… dare!”

“Or what? Afraid your dad will kill me?”

“Lexa my dear, I love you too much to even kill you. Do it!”

“Dad!”

Clarke buckles down laughing. Lexa was about to do a fancy trick of throwing the bottles in the air to make her poison for the customer, when Wells became overly jealous. Lexa had been a fancy bartender during her college days, unbeknownst to Clarke, and Jaha had offered Lexa a spot to work there in the meantime while they sorted her apartment and the new building. Clarke had been cooking up a proposal, one that would sweep Lexa off her feet when the time comes, even though they agreed in business terms that they would marry each other so that Clarke may fulfil the requirements needed to withdraw her part of the share. Thankfully, Lexa had managed to swindle and broker a deal with the owners of the building, and they had agreed to Clarke and Lexa buying their property in a month or two when they get things settled for the paperwork. Things were looking up, and Clarke has been spending every waking moment with Lexa the past couple of weeks, with no issues. Lexa had returned for sessions with Becca, and things were going so well, Clarke couldn’t be happier. Lexa was better. And will continue to be better as time goes on, and her smiles and laughter had returned, just like when they were kids.

Lexa was healing as she should be, and with Christmas coming up in a few days, Clarke had spoken to the rest about having them over and for Lexa to enjoy herself during the festive season with her old friends. None of them had seen Lexa, wanting to give her the space and time to be adjusted to her current life first, and they wanted Lexa to make her own choice and decisions to be able to mend back with the group. Lexa was afraid at first of the idea of meeting the rest, her insecurities about what they might think of her and what they feel about her, but with Clarke’s help, and insistence from Becca to open up, Lexa had mastered the courage to tell Clarke that she would be open to spending Christmas at their friend’s place, even inviting Wells and Jaha along for the day. The only issue that Lexa still couldn’t overcome was the reality of facing her mother again. Abby had found out about Lexa being released, and of course Clarke hadn’t spoken to her mother since Lexa had been sent away, things were shaky with their mother’s. Clarke was protective at the fact of allowing the two of them who created the mess in the first place to see her, but so far, they hadn’t received a call from them, making things easier on Lexa since she had the paperwork to concentrate on for the time being.

“Told you I wouldn’t drop it Wells. Have a little faith in me being a hotshot bartender and Clarke being the best server in da house! Boom out!” Lexa gives a little swag to her hand gesture, and Jaha all but laughs at his son, who was completely taken aback by Lexa’s cockiness.

“Clarke! Tame your lover down. She just broke my ego here as the best bartender.” Wells looked over to Clarke pleadingly.

“Too bad my friend. Badass baby here just owned your ass.” Clarke winks and walks around him to wrap her arms around Lexa’s waist, pulling her in close and flushing their bodies together, receiving a hum of approval from Lexa.

“Alright love birds. No sex on the counter until after hours!” Jaha booms out and Lexa chuckles and slaps his arm playfully, making the older gentleman laugh.

“Don’t be a mood spoiler Jaha! You love me too much these days to say no.” Lexa teases.

“Nah uh! I was scarred for life after I found the two of you naked on the counter when I walked down to get a beer and I had to clean the counter tops with bleach just to get rid of the stains. So please be nice to me and do it in the bedroom.” Jaha winks.

“I don’t know what’s even more embarrassing… my dad talking about the two of you being caught naked and having sex on the counter tops, or having my ego shot down from miss hotshot here.” Wells muses, before walking to grab another bottle of beer for a customer.

“Get yourself a wife Wells. Then we can all be embarrassing at the same time.” Clarke sticks her tongue out and drags Lexa away from everyone.

Clarke was hungry. Not hungry for food, but hungry for Lexa. Watching her toss bottles and making drinks had a tendency to spur Clarke on sexually, and right now, she dragged Lexa back out towards the quiet empty dark street, pushing the door open and immediately slamming Lexa against the wall, before pressing her lips to Lexa’s. Lexa was enjoying every bit of Clarke being aroused and dominant with her, something in which they discovered over the last few weeks, and Lexa always wanted to relinquish her control to Clarke. Lexa was a bottom in bed, and Clarke always topped her, yet, not once did Lexa ever complain about being dominated so by Clarke, for she rather enjoyed it. Clarke takes Lexa’s hands in hers, and brings it up above her head, pinning them to the wall and Clarke was already sucking and nibbling on Lexa’s pulse point, feeling the increasing heartbeat that pumped inside of her, making Lexa wetter than ever before. “Oh yesss… baby…” Lexa moaned. Clarke was uses to pulling Lexa outside like this, even in the cold air, and still, they always had a hell of a time enjoying each other outside where it was just the two of them being together. They couldn’t be apart for some reason now, no matter what. Everywhere Clarke went Lexa followed, everywhere Lexa went, Clarke followed.

They were stuck to the bone with each other. Days that Clarke would be out painting walls she bought, Lexa would sit there holding cups of coffee, and smiling at Clarke like a lovestruck idiot. If life was better now, it truly is. Lexa moaned at the feeling of Clarke’s cold palms rubbing circles on her belly, feeling Lexa’s stomach contract and expand, her muscles shifting with Clarke’s palms moving around as she kissed her way down in between of Lexa’s breasts. Her shirt button was open, and it gave Clarke a clear opening to place her soft nips and bites, marking Lexa for all that she is, and claiming her as her own. In a way. Clarke used her other hand to pull Lexa’s zipper down, and also unbuttoning her jeans, and quickly slides her cold hands into Lexa’s hot pulsing center, making Lexa squirm and gasp at the coldness that entered her. Lexa was wet, all so very wet, having been teased behind the counter from when Wells was going at it with Lexa, and truth be told, Lexa had felt the pinch of Clarke’s hand on her jeans.

“Jesus Christ you two… get a fucking room. People come through here as well ya know!” Wells voice fills the air and Clarke pulls out and turns Lexa away, so she could have some decency and fix her jeans.

“Fuck you Wells. I was getting close!” Lexa glares at him, now suddenly realising that it was cold out and the snow had begun to fall in the night.

“Yeah sure… your freezing your ass off and Clarke is about to skin me alive but my dad insists that if you two want to avoid developing hypothermia and at least have sex in the bedroom where it’s warm. God you two! When are you both getting a place of your own?” Wells complains.

“Pipe it down Wells. Your lucky my girlfriend hasn’t owned your ass at the bar yet in front of everybody.” Clarke growls.

“Babe… I already did.” Lexa smirks and Wells scowls before heading back inside.

Clarke snickers and pulls her cold girlfriend into her embrace, wrapping her arms around Lexa and placing a soft warm kiss on her lips. Lexa sighs into the kiss, a small smile playing at her lips before separating and looking at each other in the eye. Clarke pushes a strand of hair behind Lexa’s ear, and the lean their foreheads together, as a sign of comfort and love, a simple gesture that Clarke had picked up to tell Lexa that her love fore her is real, and Lexa would stop asking her that question. Lexa smiled but shivered and Clarke pulled her back inside the warm and toasty bar before returning to Wells and Jaha who were arguing playfully over a couple of drinks.

“So… babe. We have to go Christmas shopping tomorrow for the gang, and I was thinking maybe we could spend the rest of the evening at the pier with some hot coffee and greasy cheeseburgers. What do you think about that?” Clarke asks, rubbing her girlfriends arm soothingly.

“I guess we could.” Lexa shrugs her shoulders, and Clarke knows that when Lexa shrugs her shoulders with a blank face, it meant that she was feeling uncomfortable about something.

“Babe? What’s wrong? Talk to me.”

“I don’t know… what to get everyone for Christmas… It’s been so long. I… I don’t know much about them or what they like anymore cause… I haven’t spent Christmas for a couple of years with them.” Lexa looks to the floor, her eyes concentrated on her shoes.

“Hey… look at me.” Clarke uses her index finger to tilt Lexa’s head upwards to face her, and Clarke kisses her nose. “Its okay. We can buy the gifts together, and give it to them from the two of us. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy Lex. Besides, they are more excited to see you then receiving gifts. Their perfect Christmas gift, is having you as their friend again and letting loose with everyone.” Clarke smiles, and Lexa manages to give a small grin and nods.

“Come on… lets plan some gifts."

* * *

 

Lexa smiled as she snuggled into her thick scarf, the colourful one Clarke had gifted to her and stood outside the candle shop that she remembered going to a couple years ago. Lexa had always enjoyed the calmness of the flame from a candle, and the sweet-smelling scents that would fill the room. Lexa had her eyes fixated on the Christmas candle which was placed in the display, with the scent being candy cane, and Lexa felt that little bubble of excitement boiling in her belly. She wanted it. She was fascinated by it. Clarke was standing beside her with her phone in hand, ticking off the checklist of things they bought, and Clarke only then realised that her girlfriend was staring at candles. Clarke was confused at first as to why Lexa had taken a sudden interest in the candle shop, and Clarke saw that sparkle in Lexa’s eyes, ones she would give when she was interested in something and Clarke couldn’t help but smile. If Lexa wanted candles that made her happy, then she would definitely get them for her.

“See a candle you like love?” Clarke scoots closer to Lexa, and Lexa nods.

“The Christmas candle. The sign says it smells like candy cane. Can we get one?” Lexa looks over to Clarke with her puppy dog eyes, and Clarke chuckles and kisses her cold cheeks.

“As many as you want baby.”

“Can we have the whole shop then?” Lexa beams with excitement.

“Okay Lex, when I said as many as you want, probably less than 20 at least so we don’t burn down Well’s apartment while were at it. Until we get a place of our own, only then can we buy a whole factory of candles if that’s what you want. Okay?” Clarke gives an apologetic smile, and Lexa nods furiously before grabbing Clarke’s hand and pulling her inside of the shop.

Clarke chuckled as Lexa released her grasp on Clarke’s hand, and Clarke stood to the side, watching as Lexa looked around the shop in wonder, seeing the various types of candles, and like a child who just entered her first candy store. Lexa was in pure joy and excitement, one Clarke was extremely happy to see, and no longer was there any pain or suffering that were there in her eyes. Lexa was better. And that’s when the sudden thought came to Clarke. She hadn’t purchased a ring for Lexa yet. She could never find the time or moment to run away from Lexa long enough to get a ring for her proposal, and seeing that Lexa was going to be spending sometime here, Clarke took the opportunity.

“Lexa babe?”

“Hmmmmmm….?” Lexa’s eyes never left the set of candles in front of her.

“I’m gonna run to the coffee joint four blocks from here and get us some coffee, and come right back. You okay to be here for a little while?” Clarke smiles as Lexa turns to look at her with a lopsided smile, and Lexa kisses her nose before grinning.

“Okay. But I want 20 candles and I’ll pick the best ones.”

“Sure. Take your time love. All the time you need.” Clarke steals a quick kiss before making her way out the door.

Watching to make sure Lexa was still engrossed with the candles, Clarke quickly types into her phone for a location of a nearby jewellery store, hoping to find a reasonable one with the short amount of time she has. Running down the street, Clarke follows the GPS and rounds the corner into another street, and true enough, she stumbles upon an old jewellery shop, being the closest there is to her and she enters the shop. The bells of the door ring, and thankfully, there weren’t any customers inside and she could make a swift buy and be out the door when she finds the perfect ring. Well, that’s another issue altogether. Clarke hadn’t thought about the perfect ring for Lexa, and now she was groaning and scowling to herself for not thinking ahead of time to find a ring that she could get.

“What’s the matter dear? Can’t find the perfect ring?” Clarke all but spins around, her heart racing as the elderly woman exists from the back door and into the shop. “My apologies dear. Didn’t mean to startle you.” The elderly women smile.

“It’s nothing maam. I should have known the shop owner would be around and I was lost in my own thoughts anyway.” Clarke chuckles before she looks around.

“I can understand why. Who is the special lady you’re buying a ring for?” Clarke was stunned.

“How…”

“Oh deary. I’ve had this shop since the 80’s. I know a great deal and seen a lot of people come in and go when they purchase rings. And just by looking at you, I know your lovely lady is a special woman. To top it all off, you came in here not knowing beforehand what kind of ring you wanted and therefore your lost at what to buy for her. Am I right?”

Clarke gave a sheepish smile, and nodded. “That all but sums it up. I left her at the candle shop around the corner to get her one, and she doesn’t know how long I would be gone for but I don’t have much time, and I didn’t think to look beforehand to find a ring. And I’m here in your shop.”

“Well now, I have just the right ring for you. This way.”

The elderly woman brings Clarke over to the far end of the shop, Clarke standing behind the glass displays that was elongated, and she watched as the woman fished out a box on one of the shelves, a white box with tribal engravings and places it before Clarke. Once the box was opened, Clarke swore upon her father’s grave, it was the most beautiful ring she has ever seen in her entire life. It was a simple rose gold band, the ring would fit Lexa’s finger perfectly, and what struck her the most was the small simple diamond in the middle, and surrounding the diamond was an engraving of what look to be an infinity symbol, the diamond at the mark where the lines criss-crossed. It was simple yet magnificent. Clarke didn’t even dare to touch it, seeing that it was a simple yet elegant design which held so much meaning to it, it felt sharp to even look at.

“This is beautiful. Truly.” Clarke tells the elderly woman.

“Indeed. It was made a couple years back. This man came into my store with it, and he had it made for his wife to be. Two weeks later, they came by to pick it up, and they of course bought it and got married. But their love was short lived when his wife developed cancer. They came back to my store and gave it back to me with a big smile. They said that this ring gave them the chance and the life the always wanted out of their love, and they wanted the next person to own with the same care and love that they shared, and they left with the biggest smile on their face. The wife told me that she didn’t want to bring such a beautiful and lucky ring to her grave and let it be wasted there, when someone else could have it and be as happy as they were. And so, I kept it all this time until now, waiting for the same kind of look in their eyes to come into my shop. And I saw those same eyes and that same look in yours. Take it.”

“How much for it?” Clarke takes a closer look at the ring, and truth be told, this was the one.

“No charge.”

“But there must be something I can payback with? I mean I can just take this for free maam…” Clarke retorts only to be stopped.

“My dear, to love someone so dearly, there is no price that can be used to buy over Someone’s love. Love is unconditional and understandable. You love your future wife so much, even your eyes tell me the two of you had been through so much in life to get where you are. Love cannot be bought dear. Love can only be used with love. And therefore this ring will only show her and only her how much you love her to the world. But in your hearts, that love will never ever fade or die.”

Clarke felt the tears in her eyes threatening to spill, knowing that it was true. Clarke and Lexa had gone through hell and back to be where they are today, and Clarke would do it over and over again in order to love Lexa . Clarke walks over the counter and hugs the elderly woman, smiling happily before moving back to look at her.

“Thank you. I promise I will love her forever. And the ring is just a tool. But my love for her will never change.” Clarke says with truthfulness.

“Go my dear.”

Clarke thanks the elderly woman one last time before scurrying out the door and down the street to the coffee joint. Thank the gods it was only a small line and Clarke hid the ring box inside her jacket, making sure to keep it from Lexa until New Years Night, which was only a couple of days away, and Clarke was fidgety. The only people she has told about her plan was Wells, Raven and Luna whom she had called and talk to the other day, and everyone was excited to hear the answer on New Years. Clarke just hoped that Lexa wouldn’t be mad for taking too long.

Because a pouty Lexa meant extra junk food.

* * *

 

Lexa smirked as she watched Clarke chow down on her greasy double cheeseburger and knew that she was going to regret it later. Clarke had challenged Lexa that she could work on getting abs to match Lexa’s… but unfortunately for Clarke, she was just too lazy to work out and get in shape to grow a little bit of abs while Lexa was reigning champion. Lexa didn’t care anyway. She loved Clarke just the way she was. She always did. Clarke had been there for her even when she didn’t need her to be, yet, Clarke always gave her her space when she needed it, not wanting to be overbearing or that she was too broken to even do anything. That wasn’t Clarke. Clarke was kind and caring and supportive. And Lexa was lucky to have that off her. Lexa continued to stare at Clarke, the two of them seated at the pier where boats were going by and they had their feet dangling off, and just enjoying the view of the sunset, happy that they finally got their Christmas shopping done. Lexa was excited. While Clarke had run off to get coffee, she bought her 20 loving candles, and making sure Clarke won’t be back so soon, she ran to the art store across the street and bought Clarke a fancy new sketchpad, with more art supplies since she realised Clarke had been looking down, not being able to draw when her finances were running low.

Lexa had extra cash set up in a spare account, having earned that money from the time she worked as a lawyer, and she was willing to use that cash to buy something for Clarke, so that she would have a smile on her face when she came home and find herself being bored out of her wits. Clarke only had the paints to do the walls, but she had nothing else with her and Lexa wanted to do that for Clarke. As for their friends, they bought mittens and scarfs, a toolbox for Raven since Clarke had mentioned the mechanic had lost a few of her stuff. Then, for Anya, there was the thought of buying her scarfs and mittens just like they did for Octavia and Luna, but Lexa had another intention in mind, and Clarke begrudgingly followed along with it. Lexa had suggested they buy their Russian friend a good tasting Whiskey from Russia itself, and Clarke was sceptical at first, but because Lexa and Anya had been friends for years, she didn’t doubt her one bit.

“Babe? Stop looking at me as if I should feel guilty for eating this burger.” Clarke glared and Lexa chuckled.

“Well… babe… you did say you wanted to grow some abs. Yet, stuffing down on junk food is only gonna prevent those abs from happening. Soooooo, I guess I win.” Lexa winks and Clarke throws a fry at her girlfriend.

“You are asking for trouble missy. You just wait… one day those abs will disappear as well and you can’t complain about it. Can’t grow old with them babe.” Clarke retaliates back.

“No. The only time I will ever be fat is if I’m pregnant with kids and need to pop a baby out, only then will I ever have to admit I lost my abs and work on it again.” That’s when Lexa realised her words had hit home harder than she thought.

Clarke had turned away, her playful banter suddenly lost to the world, and Lexa realised that Clarke would never be able to have that luxury anymore. What Finn did, how he scarred them for life, Clarke didn’t get that lucky. Lexa placed her burger down and got up, walking around to the other side of Clarke and wrapped her arms around her, pulling her close and kissing her forehead.

“I’m sorry…” Clarke whispered, tears in her eyes, cascading down her soft cheeks.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Clarke. It wasn’t your fault. I know I can never feel the way you do about not being able to get pregnant, but… if you do want kids, we could always adopt if and when you want them. If you ever…”

“I do want kids Lexa. I want a family. But… I can’t give you that. I won’t be able to conceive anymore and…”

“Who said about you having to give anything Clarke? Stop being the one to take the blame for everything. Let me in. Let me be the one to give you your dream of having a family. If I have to pop out like 15 kids or whatever number until your satisfied, I would go through it over and over again. And you can give all sorts of weird nicknames just not little pea. I hate peas.” And that had Clarke laughing again, wiping her tears.

“You really mean it? You want kids someday?” Her big blue eyes staring at Lexa brightly.

“As long as I get to be with you, and be able to make you happy with our family… then yeah. I want kids too. Maybe until we finally get our new home drama settled and we have plenty of space, we can maybe think about it then? What say you?” Lexa smiles, and Clarke nods, accepting her answer.

“You would do that for me huh?” Clarke rests her head on Lexa’s shoulders, and Lexa feeds her a fry.

“I would do anything for you Clarke. Just like how you did everything for me in my darkest hour. I love you more than anything else Clarke. Forever.”

“And I love you Lexa. Forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! Sorry for taking so long! Been busy with life, working on other fics and blah blah blah! Life sucks i know. Anyways, we gonna have Lexa reunited with the gang next chapter and it's Christmas so we gonna see some smiles and tears and fun ;) see ya soon :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Eve Part 1.

“Okay guys, remember what Clarke said, welcome Lexa in like she is our long-time friend that we haven’t seen in a fucking decade and don’t look or act like were walking on eggshells around her. We need to make sure Lexa is as comfortable as she can be, and let her be the one to come out to us and talk about the past. If not, we act normal. Got it?” Anya says.

“Damn, I really am excited to see Lexa again. Clarke has been an angel to her and no doubt Lexa has been making good progress with everyone around her.” Luna too pitches in.

“You got that right bitches. We gotta make this the best damn Christmas for Lexa. Oh, Wells and Jaha are joining us too. But Wells said Clarke and Lexa are busy fucking one another so they would be late and we are all gonna be camping in this apartment tonight. Clarke will have her old room back since the two can’t keep their hands off each other’s pussy, and Wells and Jaha be sleeping on the couch.”

Raven lists out the things afterwards that needed to be prepared, having did some last-minute Christmas Eve shopping, getting decorations and lots and lots of food for everyone. It was the festive season, and all of the four women wanted it to be as homely and special for Lexa, who had spent many years in pain and darkness, and therefore, this was the time for them to give her something light and happy for herself. Each of them bought presents for Lexa, most of it were clothing and vouchers, not knowing what else to get for their friend whom they had very little contact with. But, most of them knew that the main present they had all chipped in for was a small getaway vacation to Hawaii, whereby all of them would be surprising Lexa as Clarke had stated they were going to get engaged, well, Clarke was going to propose to Lexa on New Years Eve, under the firework lit sky, and they wanted to give the couple a nice place to be married as their gift. It was to give Lexa the time of her life, to let her start her new future with Clarke, who loved her all so dearly, and let them begin anew without any bad memories lingering behind them.

They were scared beyond belief when Lexa jumped off the bridge, scaring them and making them understand that they too had a part to play in leading Lexa down that path of pain and suffering, and they wanted to make it up to her as best as they could. Lexa deserved the world, and by having all of them with her, it would make it simple and beautiful for her. They had all swore an oath, to make sure they would take care of each other, and help Lexa to heal even more, for Clarke could only do so much as a lover, and as Lexa’s soon to be fiancé and wife, and she needed to be able to venture out of her comfort zone with just three people. All of them had also taken the initiative to head out and see Becca herself, wanting to know more on how to deal with Lexa appropriately to ensure that she was comfortable and would open up to them, and all of them had taken extra measures to ensure that.

“Guys! The turkey is not cooking right.” Luna says as she walks out of the kitchen.

“You idiot! How can it not be cooking right? What did you do?” Anya hollers as she climbs down from the ladder, for she was fixing trinkets on their tree.

“Well who put the fucking thing in the oven without the bloody stuffing?” Octavia hollers coming from the bedroom.

“Well it wasn’t me asshole.”

“Jesus Ladies. Language!”

Wells walks into the apartment with Jaha behind, both of them shaking their head at the group of women getting things done around the apartment. Jaha carries in tons of booze, close to 12 bottles of mixed whiskey and vodka, and he knew the youngsters were going to be drinking a whole lot tonight until tomorrow, therefore, he made it thing to get them booze to party. Not that he would be staying long. He had a bar to run no doubt with his old buddies.

“Oh don’t you dare come in here acting like a saint Wells. You are no angel! Papa Jaha, tell him!” Raven hollers from the kitchen.

“Aye! I agree. You kids these days are cursing like the wind ain’t stopping. The only two decent people so far is Clarke and Lexa. Not once have I ever heard the two of them use a curse word. Either they stop using it altogether or the gods have blessed them off their sins.” Jaha winks and everyone in the room scowls.

“You’re an ass. I swear.” Anya mopes before continuing on the decorations.

“The bigger asses are screaming each other’s names out right now. They literally put a sock on the door and made sure that the door was locked so that we can’t get in. It’s funny really when you barge in on them. Clarke sure is a dominant one.” Wells grins devilishly.

“Did you literally just tell us you walked in on them having sex? Like creepy stalker walked in kinda shit?” Luna wipes her hands on the apron, walking over to grab the booze from Jaha.

“Well it’s not like I intentionally did it. I mean for god sake, that’s like sexual harassment at its highest point. Besides, the two of them aren’t exactly quiet either. I mean Clarke yeah I get is a loud one, but Lexa, she comes and goes at times. I really can’t wait for them to move out so I can have my peace and quiet again.” Wells complains.

“It’s either the sex is that good, or that Lexa really is a loud one. I never passed her off as the type to be a screamer. Let alone make a sound.” Raven states.

“Knock it off guys! Remember, not to much PDA, don’t make Lexa feel uncomfortable. Just start soft and small, let her open up again and when she is comfortable, watch your words around her. Lexa maybe stable but as Becca said, a word or something could set her off because she’s attached to Clarke at the moment and she needs time to adjust with being around friends again. Go it?” Octavia says to everyone, making them groan.

“Yes mom.” Everyone replied in unison.

“Alright, people! Let’s get shit done. We got two love birds coming! Hurrah!” Anya hollers.

“Hurrah!”

* * *

 

The snow continued to fall outside, never stopping as it blanketed the earth with all the white powder of snow could possibly cover the day before Christmas. The room was warm, thanks to the heating system Wells had turned up this morning, and Lexa was able to sleep comfortably. She wasn’t the type to be out in the cold for long. And mornings like these however, Clarke enjoyed when she woke up to the sight of her girlfriends back on full view to the world, her arms wrapped around the pillow she used for sleeping and her hair splayed out everywhere. Clarke smiled as she pushed her brown locks of hair from her face, the soft snores coming from her tired girlfriend after countless rounds of sex last night, Clarke smirked at the memories. Lexa was soft, submissive, when in bed with Clarke, yet in front of the rest of the world, she was this calm raging storm that nobody could see past it. Her eyes spoke everything. Lexa had always stated at night before they went to sleep, that she felt safe with Clarke, that she trusted her more than anything else. And that, that soothed Clarke’s heart beyond all measures of life. Lexa would only let down her defenses with Clarke. Becca said it was a coping mechanism to help her get her thoughts and life straight again. Clarke understood then that Lexa needed to open up more, and she was trying. She was making progress talking to the staff at their regular coffee joint, having seen them almost every day, the staff always greeted them both together. The florist two blocks down, a kind elderly woman, who greeted them as well when they passed by had Lexa saying more than a few words to her and buying flowers.

Simple every day routines had Lexa building up Her confidence, having her go out to places on her own while Clarke was busy painting, other times they went out together. Progress was made, and as long as Lexa wasn’t a danger to herself or society as what others had deemed her to be, she was going to be fine. Lexa was her life and soul now. And Clarke let a tear fall, remembering how her father would have been proud when the two of them were together. Kissing under the old oak tree, giggling and smiling. Clarke stared again at Lexa, trailing her finger along Lexa’s arm, the tribal tattoo was a work of art, but Lexa’s back however, that was beautiful. The intricate designs that ran down her back, slick and smooth, her defined muscles and soft skin that made Clarke kiss her lightly. She loved her so much, so so very much, and Clarke would never trade Lexa away, her love and her heart for something else. Lexa was her heart now. As Clarke let her eyes roam down Lexa’s back, she watched the brunette shift, her hand searching for Clarke, and Clarke scooted over, pressing their bodies together and pulled Lexa up on top of her, Lexa’s head adjusted on her chest and her arm wrapped around Clarke’s ribs, clinging on to dear life.

Now, Clarke knew this was a habit of Lexa’s, when she had nightmares or when she felt insecure at times, Lexa would wrap around her like this, and fall right back to sleep, Clarke being her ground level, and Lexa would feel safe. Clarke smiles at her, runs her fingers through Lexa’s hair, making sure she slept peacefully. Clarke didn’t mind it at all. As long as Lexa felt safe and sound, Clarke would gladly let her Girlfriend, soon to be fiancé, sleep on her. Clarke started a soft humming of a tune, slowly rubbing Lexa’s cheek as softly as possible, feeling the warmth of her lover in her arms. So peaceful, so beautiful.

“Is it morning yet?” Lexa rasps, her voice thick and heavy with sleep.

“Yeah baby. Christmas eve morning. Wells and Jaha left early to head over to Raven and Anya’s place. Going to get some cooking done. So we have the rest of the morning and after to ourselves.”

“Mmmmmmm pancakes…” Lexa mumbles and Clarke chuckles.

“Can’t hear you babe…” Lexa yawns and pats Clarke’s arm on the side, a saying that it was nothing but Clarke caught the pancakes part.

“Well, if you said it properly, we can have pancakes for breakfast.”

And true enough, Lexa props her head up to look at Clarke, a smile forming on her lips. “Yes Clarke. Can we have pancakes? I’ll help with the strawberries this time.” Lexa’s smile grows wider and Clarke chuckled, tracing Lexa’s jaw with her index finger.

“We sure as hell can have pancakes, and you can cut the strawberries as well love. You can have anything you want. Even desserts before the main meal.” Clarke slowly turns them over, Clarke being on top and Lexa laying underneath her, their naked bodies flushed together.

“Mmmmmmm… dessert sounds good to me.” Lexa smiles and uses her free hand to pull Clarke down into a chaste kiss.

Tongue and tongue collided together, bodies rubbing against each other and their hearts mending into one. In the silent mornings in their lovely bedroom, Clarke was able to show how much she loved Lexa. The softness of their kisses, the shifting of their body as it synced together as one, sweat mending with sweat as they made love. Clarke trailed her mouth to Lexa’s pulse point, nipping and sucking with all her might. Lexa was rendered speechless, her back arching as she felt Clarke’s warm hands rub around her belly before working its way up to her right breast, Clarke taking her stiff nipple in between her fingers and eliciting a hard and long moan from her lover below. Lexa’s hands groped around Clarke’s perfect ass and she suddenly feels Clarke’s hands grab her by the wrist before pulling it up and above Lexa’s head, keeping total control over the situation. Clarke had discussed this the first time with Lexa. Who was comfortable with what during sex, to ensure that Lexa wouldn’t fall back on her progression that she made with herself for getting better, and turns out, Lexa was one who enjoyed the comfort of being somewhat of a submissive.

Clarke had made it clear she wouldn’t use toys unless consented with or allowed by Lexa herself, rather, Lexa enjoyed being tied up as Clarke worshipped her body, every inch of skin available to her. She wanted Lexa to feel comfortable every time they do have sex. And today, today was all about getting her reacquainted with friends, making her feel at home and comfortable and enjoy herself. Clarke knew she hadn’t had that in a very long time, and so, by starting soft and slow, Lexa will be back to her old happy self in no time. Just as the thought disappeared from her mind, Clarke inches her way down to Lexa’s pert nipples, kissing and licking her way down to her left nipple, making Lexa arch her back, her moans and gasps filling the room more and more. Clarke used her free hand to take a small dip into Lexa’s opening, feeling the slick wetness dripping before she pulled out, causing Lexa to whine at the loss of contact as her stomach muscles shifted with each of every Clarke’s touch. Lexa moaned as Clarke sucked her way down to Lexa’s navel, shooting flares into the ocean of fire, bubbling even more as the storm raged on deep in the heart of Lexa’s belly.

Lexa admitted she loved Clarke so very much. She understood the meaning of feeling life, of seeing life, and she just needed to see it instead of the darkness inside that once belonged and resided in her. And when she felt the hot breath and slick tongue against her clit, she knew then she was no longer living in the dark. She was living in the light. Clarke heard the moans that came one right after the other, and she longed to hear the screams of her lover for Christmas was her favorite holiday, and the best gift she ever could receive and wanted was the pleasured scream of her lover below her. Clarke smiled into Lexa’s slick wet lips, tasting and relentlessly attacking her sensitive nub over and over again as her girlfriend trembled and moaned with each ministration. Lexa was so close. All so very close. She gripped the bedsheets after Clarke released her grip on her hands, and her legs trembled even more, wanting to finally let go.

Clarke took the last opportunity to shove two of her fingers into wet walls, and just as she pumped her fingers in and out, Lexa tensed up and screamed as her orgasm washed over her like an ocean wave, and her screams filled the room, Clarke taking every last bit of cum into her mouth and licking it dry before she climbed back up to lay on top of her lover who was panting still from the aftershocks of her mind-blowing orgasm. Lexa was slated for now, yet, sooner or later, she would crave for Clarke again. But in the moment, she just wanted to feel Clarke’s lips on hers, to taste herself and she pulled Clarke up to kiss her, savoring every bit of taste of herself as their tongues rolled together before Clarke finally rested her head on her chest.

“Still alive baby?” Clarke smirked and received a light tap to her naked back.

“Shut it. You may be good at making me come undone… but that doesn’t mean you get bragging rights.” Lexa hummed.

“Alright. But I want to ask you something… if you’re comfortable with it.” Clarke asked softly and giving a slight warning with her tone. Lexa wasn’t fully recovered from the darkness, but she was getting better and Clarke wanted to make sure Lexa was comfortable enough to talk.

“What is it?” Lexa asked merely but a whisper.

“Will you be okay spending Christmas with the rest? I know we had this conversation before… but I want to be absolutely sure that you are comfortable and ready to see the others again. Not saying everything will be bad, they plan to party, but I want you to feel happy and at ease instead of feeling like your forced to do it. I just want you to be happy.” Clarke traced her finger along Lexa’s jaw, blue eyes staring into green ones, searching for any sign of worry or annoyance.

“I’ll be okay Clarke. I know your just looking out for me and I love you for that. But I think it’s time to go out and see people and the world again. I love you and only you Clarke. But I have to do this to give myself some closure of the past and create new and happy memories with everyone. If I feel uncomfortable at any given point of time, I’ll tell you.” Lexa gives a soft smile and Clarke leans forward to kiss her.

“Alright love. I call dibs on the shower first though.” Clarke gets up and scurries away, only for Lexa to jump out of bed and chase her girlfriend.

“Oh hell no! We’re sharing and that’s final!”

* * *

 

Lexa walked the same halls she once remembered when she used to hang out with the group. When Clarke wasn’t around then, and Anya was sleeping with Raven. She missed Anya so much. Her best friend, one who had tried to help her before her decent into deep darkness, one who helped her clean up when she spent days in bed. Anya her best friend since forever. She missed the way her friend would tease her and tickle her, acting more like a sister than anything else, and would comfort her when she had a rough day. She felt bad for pushing Anya away. She thought it would be better that Anya didn’t see the monster she had become then, hiding away and locked up in her own shop and apartment, never leaving the place unless necessary.

But now, she was terrified beyond means. It wasn’t how she interacted with strangers on the streets where she said the casual ‘how are you?’ or ‘hello’ sort of greeting. This was her facing her friends again after a very long time because she thought it was better to face her demons alone and let herself slip away from the rest of the group. But with Clarke holding her hand by her side, the fears and insecurities were only mild, but it was still there running through her bones and into her veins and then to her heart. She was afraid of what they might think of her.

Clarke who walked beside Lexa, could feel her girlfriend shuffle around, her palms were sweaty even in the winter air that they were in just a little while ago, and she was worried on her own ground. She didn’t know what was going to happen, how Lexa would react and especially when she meets her best friend Anya again. Anya and her were more like sisters even if they weren’t of the same blood, but Anya had been with Lexa for the longest of times, and when Lexa grew into her own self, where she hid in the shadows away from the world, Anya had her heart swimming in guilt and pain. She as a friend, as a sister in a way, had failed to help Lexa. All of them had been guilty for not giving their best effort to help her.

Reaching the front door, Lexa was completely pale now, her heart racing as Clarke stopped to look at her wearily. Lexa felt as if she was going to have a panic attack at any moment. Becca had told her to open her heart to things, to let people in and let her see the beauty of the world, and if she ever felt scared or afraid, she only had to take a deep breath and keep her head held high in the sky and face the world with an open heart.

“You okay Lexa?” Clarke questions in a weary tone.

“Yeah… well, maybe no. I pushed everyone away. Especially Anya. What if she… what if she can’t forgive me for pushing her away? And everyone else. What if…”

“There are no ‘what if’s’ anymore Lexa.” Clarke pulls Lexa to face her and Clarke placed both her hands-on Lexa’s cheeks, warming them up with her warm hands. “They don’t blame you Lexa. They blame themselves. And they need you to assure them that things happened for a reason and that no one is at fault. Anya misses you so much, so does the rest. Luna too. They have been talking non-stop about you and how they miss you so much that they want you back with them. So trust me, trust your own heart that I know is saying that you miss them too. Okay?” Clarke rubs her thumb across the tear that slid down her girlfriend’s face, and Lexa nods with a small smile breaching her lips.

“Okay… okay. Let’s do this.”

Lexa reassures Clarke that she was ready and knocks on the door, before they heard shouting and scuffling around on the other side, clearly Raven, for she was cursing and swearing like the wind as she always does before the front door was yanked open widely. Lexa’s eyes go wide as she sees Raven wrapped up somewhat in lights that were actually on, and Clarke snorted a laugh when she saw Raven grinning like a goof ball.

“Bout time you two lovebirds showed up. Luna is being a moron because she can’t fix the lights and she threw it on me instead.” Raven comments, smirking at Lexa and Clarke.

“You gonna let us in or are we both going to sit in the hallway like homeless lesbians on Christmas day?” Clarke eyes Raven with a glare.

“Surrrreeeee! Hey Lexa, I got a present for you.” Raven goes to drag a speechless and nervous Lexa through the door and Lexa was pushed right into the heart of the living room.

There, everyone came out from their respective places and standing in the middle of the room was Anya, a cookie in her mouth and eyes wide, and Lexa froze. She hadn’t seen Anya in so long, and here they were, facing each other again without the screaming and the shouting. The pain or hurt that they saw in each other’s eyes. The only thing that both friends saw in each other was how much they missed one another, and Anya shoves the rest of the cookie in her mouth before she ran forward and pulled Lexa into a tight hug. Lexa felt herself let go and she hid her face in her best friend’s neck, her arms wrapping around her friend as if her life depended on it.

“I missed you An. And I’m sorry.” Lexa whispered through tears, and Anya shushed her quietly.

“No Lexa. It’s not your fault. It never was. We are all sorry for not getting to you soon. God… I missed you my friend. So much.” Anya cried too and before they knew it, Luna walks over to hug the two of them followed by Octavia and Raven and then lastly Clarke.

All of them hugged together and Lexa cried harder, finally feeling happiness in her heart and how much she had missed everyone. Clarke was happy that Lexa felt safe with everyone again and that she was making herself better. She was getting better. And it was only Christmas Eve. They had a long night ahead. But for now, it was just the feeling of being home that made its way into Lexa’s heart. For the longest of times, Lexa finally had opened her heart again to the world, to the people who missed her and loved her dearly, and here she was.

She was home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for taking so long to update. Have been working so much that I didn’t have the time to write and even if i did, it’s only for an hour a day. But I promise I will finish this story along with the rest, just that updates will be slow. Bare with me my friends, and my sincerest apologies. Hope you guys enjoyed this :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys :) So this is a new adventure on the line. And of course you readers who know me, I enjoy the twist and turns and ups and downs. So this will be something aggravating yet loving at the same time. Bear with me because it can get really angsty but all the more loving and sweet until you get diabetes. Don't worry, Clexa is endgame, just that life is never easy before they fall in love.


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